a man...

they say a man's shoulder bear much responsibility..
but how much can my shoulder bear??..

what is this character that i play that i played it so well till i dont know who i am myself anymore??..
i am so tired....
arent i suppose to be satisfied since i found someone that i like??
i understand that i shouldn't mixed up all the feelings together..
there is anger,confusion,disappointment and happiness..

how am i to suppress this feeling??in a moment i wanna be happy but there im afraid that i may make someone unhappy..im confused what my parents are thinking of??.i need her by myside right now but why does she run??..

this shoulder of mine suddenly just do not want to bear these responsibilities anymore..
i really feel like giving up at this time..no support from both friend wise and loveone wise...

family gathering..i understand how important this word is but asking me to throw away all other things is just not fair..
what choice is the right one??..friends family studies??...choose one among them??..why force me to answer this question??.
love me thn let me stay here and study,let me at least have a last breathe to fight to the finals..
i told u that i wanna study but that doesnt make u happy..
u see me not studying ur are also not happy..
what do u wan me to do??..i give but u dont take..what u ask is just something i just cant give..
and u say that the whole family dislike me..
answer me this,have u thought of what i feel when u say that??
am i a person without feelings or u words are just meant to hurt me that bad??..
how hard this heart of mine could bear is just by the limit...
when im angry,u say im rude..
when i nice to u all, u say things to hurt me..
what is this ??..a trick??..
im so tired...whenever is this gonna end??..
when will u see that im not just being selfish..im being protective..
i dont wanna be hurt but the more i protect the stronger ur words get..
what weight more can my shoulders bear??

Angry angry..

cannot withstand my temper..
im losing my control over my anger again..
sometimes it feels so not good to hold my temper back..

some people dont use their dumb brain to talk..
just thinking back just awfully makes u sick to the gut about the words they say..
dont in hell think that u know more than anyone or u are smarter yet cooler than anyone..
remember that u are no one to tell me how to dress and style..
just because some people afford to buy the clothes that ur eyes look nice THAT nvr ever means that i can afford..
so what if im broke??..and i dont dress cool like u think..
its my style and live with it..
i dont need ur brainless and foolish words to tell me that it's not nice..
im just entertaining ur words like im entertaining a dog..
i like what im wearing..
it makes me feel comfortable and it's enough..
yes,im not wearng anything branded or does it look cool for u..
but i LIKE IT..here,maybe a verse could give u a piece of my mind,DAMN U,MY STYLE..

and please dont tell me that im hard headed..
why in hell would u like to take any action for me??.
its my decision to make, not urs..
u got nth better to than to control my life??.
here, another verse, to HELL WITH U??...

tired,stressed out,nightmares are coming more often..
i dont even feel like talking nowadays..
so tired of having the same treatment..
u dont wan to treat me as a fren thn stop it..
im fined with it..
i can bare the truth all friends are born with lies..
dont tell me that ure there for me cause only i said that and will do it..
i may not be the best of friends but i give my heart to treat a friend..
yeah,im not amused by ur jokes and to many people im very uneducated..
i live with all these insults in my life..
in case u had no idea what i really went through,im a great actor..
i hide all my emotions away so none of u idiotic brainless fools can guess me..
DONT TELL ME U KNOW WHAT IM GONNA NEXT..
cause i know what im capable of...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH..
THIS NIGHT SEEMS SO FULL OF ANGER...
I DOWAN TO LISTEN TALK AND EVEN THINK OF WHAT A IDIOTIC PERSON SAID..
sick to the gut...

COnfession..

its 12.20 midnight and im feeling sexy..lol
i feel like i wanna dance around my house without my clothes on..
lol...
always felt like i was born for the lesser-clothes types..
but oh well,everyone thinks it's gay and crazy,so what can i do??..
find another thing which could stimulate me..

stuck up,weeeeeeeeeeee....my brain could only think of work work work,study study and study,basketball basketball more basketball..
what to do??..no money means cannot study, no studies mean i can't have a better work, and no basketball would mean im a workaholic and nerd..
but my body can't take so much work at once..
dunno what should i supply my body with to stay active for longer period of time..
eat also need money!!!!!!!

dont wanna be all that ppl said i am to be..

i really am aroused that the fact of people hate being controlled but they like controlling people..
some people like to tell other that they should do this and that..
harsh as the fact is,I'm part of them..

sometimes i wonder if i had too much fun till there is no restrictions toward my saying and action..
though it often brings unfortunate endings, i cant help but to go down that road again..
it's like I'm running from my responsibility..
am i??..hmm..
cant stop thinking bout this fact..

u know that people often say that a man can bear much responsibility on their shoulders but i guess I'm not that man most people are hoping for..
sometimes i hinder away from troubles..
I'm afraid..
I'm afraid not because i know im right,im afraid to that my action are wrong..
ppl say that im rude..
but the fact is that u dont even know me, then dont start critisizing bout me..
not one thing u understand bout where i come from and how can i stand being so rude..
if in reality check up,given a choice,would u think i wanna be rude??.
u really do feel that i love being acting so selfishly,saying words that could hurt everybody..
or maybe u dont get the point that its not the nature of me being polite..

knowing that im a rude and full of rage, i know i cant stay in a normal friendship, relationship without hurting them..
so in my position i would think that i could tell all the people in the world about my bad side, and let the people find the good side of me..
although im not much of a good person as my bad attributes over lapse my good atrributes, but its doesnt mean i dont have one..
im just living on the survivor law..what u can win, u join em..
u blend into what u cant overcome..
i can't overcome how i rude ive been,so i blend by mixing with people who are willing to accept me..

tequila night..

so today is just not the ordinary Sunday...
see today dad brought us to sky bar..
and i had what I've always wish for,TEQUILA..
haha..
i know i sound like an alcoholic but hey,everyone got his/her own interest..
don't stop me..

well,at the first sip,the tequila tasted like oh shit,so not nice..
but as your taste bud feeds on the taste,slowly it becomes an addiction..
u could feel every sip brings such excitement to ur body..
making it hot..
with sky bar's view and such dimly lighted bar,the mood is just so soothing n relaxing..
thinking back is just such a place to go back again..

but all things have two side..
now im having allergies against the high does of tequila..
im itching throughout my whole body..
some parts where they are swelled up..
thought it does bring discomfort to me but well,i guess it's all worth it..
cause i've tried something i've been longing to try...haha..

oh yeah,the name of the tequila i drank was deluxe Margarita..
ahaha...itchy itchy..haha..there are some pictures of it but im sooo lazy to update it..
haha...maybe someday later...

the world stops at this moment

its almost 1...
its dark and the sky are no longer the blue ones..
it's one of the longest moment in my life again..
yet ive done so much thinking again..
still after so much thinking and nothing have been done or said..
it's such a sad moment cause im all alone with nobody to chat with right now..
people whom i thought was my friend have become such strangers..

i lay my hand off them and i shall remember why i did it..

i am thinking if ppl see me happy would they be happy??..
is there no anger in me??..why i am feeling like im losing my touch ??..
there's this girl whom i presume i grew fond of...
she asked me to be her 'brother' which actually did make my heart ache..
but what is off this feeling??.
i dont even know if it's here to stay and last??..
i dont want to waste my time chasing ghost again..
i dont want to even give a second to think of starting one if we just have to try??.

what's it like living in a world where everybody likes u??.
and ur life is just so perfect??.
where is the life if people around u are just in disguise??..
the one thing ive always dream of,group of friends hanging having fun,the limit breakers,rule opposer..
seems such a long and bumby glance of it just itches my heart...
huh...

i miss mummy(jenny)

somehow somewhere in this heart, i missed her right now..
lol...spending time with her seems kinda fun or maybe because she is the first person to make me think that my life is not hard at all when it comes to other to compare..
thinking back about the topic we had in mid valley and all the junk food we ate was fun...
haha..
we have something to talk always and something said when nothing is said..
ok lah,missed it but it was all sealed within my memory as of now we are on our own busy road again..
seems like even weekends are so short.
whatever happen to live ur life??..
there's work,study,health,sports...
all do but no talk...
what's life to it??..
it's like we're bounded by shackles...
somehow i gotta find something interests me...
im finding life boring...hah...

thn what bout this feeling i have for this girl??..real??..fake??..or just a passby??..
mostly another passby i guess..
ppl who comes with a fresh feeling thn fades with time..
all seems so short to stay..
when will one come and stay??.
it is too hard to ask for one,who loves unconditonally??..
or am i still sulking and still asking who i am??
being on the road to find who u really are isnt a bright and smooth road but rather a dark road with bumby hills...
ahh,i complain too much dont i..
but if i dont,i can barely think of something to say in here...
hah,am tired already...
update soon i guess..

disguise??..

freaking people have freaking ways to threat their freaking friends..
to think that i was doing the right thing by helping a hand down just to know that its just another person in disguise..
u know there were times where u thought that this is the friend that needs your help...
u don't who is right and who is wrong..
u just want to help..
ur doing ur damn best to do something right for ur friend..

u don't care what the trouble is or what u have to lose to win this battle,all u do is just head straight because ur friend needs ur help..

in the end just to know that it was all just a gimmick that she was just desperate for attention..
im fed up,u know..
it ends that what i did for em doesn't seem to matter to them at all..
the jokes on me..
i did something which i shouldn't even bother..
ya know how depressing it feels when u got to know that ur friends were wearing a mask and u discover the truth by urself and not another friend informing u..
sick and tired of these kind of lies...
yet they turn to me and said 'we're friends'...
to hell with it...

unsociable??..

ok..first of all i do not know if this word exist = unsociable..
hah..ok bout the tittle i address for this post today is because lately ive been thinking..
ive been thinking am i not being friendly enough..

ive noticed that recently my phone hasn't been blinking or making noise which means nobody is contacting me..
have i left out my friends??..or who is my friends anyway??..

seems like everyone have their own friends to hang out,chill out, or even talk to ..
but somehow its been rather lonely these few days..
so ive been looking back and thinking..
have up been so stuck up that i dont socialize anymore??.
hmm..true to say that ive been rather keeping on a low profile...
should i go ahead and get to know some people whom i dont know??.
or should i still keep it on a low profile...

can u blame me for not being loyal??

i always hear people say that 'JIT LUN CHANGE TARGET AGAIN AH?BE LOYAL A BIT LAH'..
aha..but dont matter im over it...
well,truth is that i find it very dumb to stay loyal to someone for a long period of time..
its pointless..
to me is that it's either they love u or u don't..
u nvr get to understand love,agree?
what u will do for love is totally unpredictable..
so i usually ask myself when i wanna change my target..
short pain or long pain??
simple as it sounds,the meaning of it is pretty deep and clear..

nah..im just saying this cause it seems like my crush has a bf already..
so it means that she is my crushed crush so no point of liking her anymore..
lah..she is just so nice and yet not nice now..
reason for that is that she is still nice as i do have a bit of feeling left for her..not nice is that she is owned by another man and im happy for her..
cheers!!

oh yeah,currently working nowadays..
im working in connaught pharmacies..
oh goodie,nice job, low payment,nice knowledge and loads of fun..
been working for the 2nd day as of yesterday and today.
met nice people whom i get to click along with..

yeah,its really educating but im not really free to workout these few days..
i am so itched by just having the thought of playing bball..
miss it so badly..
fuuhh..life only looks good but nvr tasted good...
oh well tired and exhausted..time to watch cartoon!!...
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

holiday!!!

today is a freaking tired day..
not enough sleep..
woke up early..
went spastic at the basketball court..
spend like 8 hours outside..
and cut my hair..


well the best part of the day is definitely cutting my hair today by a hot hot girl..
i'll get to there..

see not enough sleep for jit lun = simply smiling for fun = spastic..
everything i said cannot be taken account for..

kinda rock today cause bball was like 20 to 30 over ppl in the court..
many people = fun = jit lun spastic with them= memalukan

the equation is to help u understand what other people are feeling bout me..

so thn after bball,as usual cc it is...
today is quite fun as nobody disturb what we wanted to play..
so yeah,fun..but sorry hon sim yen chin and adrian that i have to leave u guys alone..
i understand that u guys took the courtesy to come and find me to play bball..
but i still have the responsibility to teman my other friends too..
im so sorry..wish u guys could understand...

then after like 3 hours cc-ing, went to cut hair..

oh yeah..with brother ka hoe and sue yong and mr nice bf chen hoong, oh yeah go cut hair..
though i did like my previous hair before the cut, look so korean my god..
haha...but then now look more of the 'hey, neat hair cut or for me, its sexy!'..(DON'T ASK ME TO DEFINE WHAT IS SEXY TO ME)

but the best part is that my hair was cut by a beautiful jie jie..
haha..me and my jie jie again..
i went to the shop for more than my feet and fingers could sum up but i never know what this jie jie's name is..
well, i dunno if it's her job to ask me question but she did ask me a lot of question but i answer her with a simply 'em,ah,no yes, err,or gah'...
maybe i was shy..
but no lah..
i wasn't..
her boss was there..
how was i gonna flirt with her??..
flirt??(too strong of a word)...
well, jit lun right..
then went to makan at lm..
then went home and eat dinner!!..
full till i feel funny...
well its ok for the day..
but i am damn exhausted...
i can barely lift my leg straight and wave goodbye with my leg...

love comes free

sometimes i ask myself am i that irritating or is it just that people seem to dislike me..
though i cannot find the answers to my questions..
as the answer is always different for each person..

but as for the moment what calm this heart of mine is that they love me not..
its not hard to see that sometimes love could get sick of..
people say its what u do and speak that matters, so does that define that my action has always been wrong and irritating?
for all the thing ive done wrong there must be something right,right??

i dont know what made me now but for who i am , i am not satisfy..
im stuck and still finding who i am really..
why and why??..sometimes question keeps on popping and running through my head..
from friends,who really does care about what i feel??
testing who is my friends is a low move but by not testing how would you know??
some say give faith??.but is faith a false hope??
i see faces everyday that i don't even know what to say to them..
just by their looks ,i don't even know if i can trust...
they scare me but as of always im up to the challenge..
i measure and plot my words around..
is this what a friend should feel??
some people be urself and naturally friends will come up..
be myself as in how sometimes i could count more enemies than friends??..
sometimes when i think back of the innocent minds and faces being pollute by the very scum idea of many people is correct, i feel pity..
pity because they could not make a choice to stand up for what is right or wrong..
sometimes majority does not rule..
even the minor yet standing one shall shine and rise above all else...
no one is said to all right or all wrong..
i believe equilibrium in this world..
where one is wrong while he is still right and right while he is still wrong..
being reasonable isn't a daily lesson in our life..
many things are taken into consideration before are being called reasonable..

fuh,sometimes i think im too complicated..
measure and plot??.
am i too defensive??
or am i too aggressive..
but of all things i believe in love comes free...
not a single thing is more valuable than love when it comes free...
right now as of this moment, i cried out another problem that i had troubles finding way to put into words..
right now,ive one less problem and im happy about it..
and i know it sounds very emotional in here..
are my blog isn't very subjective to whom im talking about but for those who felt shall realize that they've manage to influence me so much that i can write a whole blog about them..
they are not people i hate but somehow people i care...

emo emo emo..

blast,it seems that ive really lost the mood to blog..
its boring here..
i still don't have a clue how to get a chat box and it feels like nobody cares about my blog..
feels like no reason to blog..

but then,its a responsibility since i've open an account..
so i dealing with it..

y does it seems that everyone is having more fun than i do??.
am i still stuck on the question, am i not sociable enough?..
hm..why why why..

men can never understand woman..
how far do i agree with that??..
100%..
for example everything went smooth today then suddenly after dinner mum gets pissed of at me..
special day of the month??..
can never understand woman...

come and u go as u may

months just trying so hard to be accepted by them
but frankly at this moment i don't want to try anymore..
as if anything i do will make them treat me as their friend anymore..

though ive gotta be frank that it still bitters this heart of mine..
it wasn't really bout what i do or did to think back..
it was all about them accepting me as a friend..
from conversation to sharing out secrets to hanging out at which place.
all their lies and action have leave behind a scar that deep that it hurts everytime just thinking about it.

i've understand the point that everybody have secret..
and they may choose who they shall share it with..
but sticking around as a gang that it seems that what one knows i dont know..
what are they currently feel i could not ever understand
they made us feel like two worlds apart...

i tried and tried asking myself if it was what i did but it was them all along
so come and u go as u may for this heart of mine will no longer grow fond or bitter of the absence of u friends....

it comes and it goes..does it feel like crap when it stays??

one moment i could all furious about the world being unfair to me..
another moment, i couldnt stop blaming myself fall all that ive not done well..

ahhh...wish i could sleep right now..
these eyes of mine shut and the problems pop's out..
one night i sleep early thn all comes crashing down..
=.=..sometimes i ask myself why does god create a sleeping period for human when error could occur just by sleeping early or fall asleep..

it's like MATH exam is coming up then tomolo is presentation and saturday another presentation and on saturday itself i have competition which im afraid it would clash..

to add salt to the wound, the only time that my brain could secrete endorphin for my brain to relax had been ruin because she didnt reply me in facebok and she isnt online..

suddenly all things seem to bang each other like the theory of collision..
soon im gonna a breakdown where i will throw everything aside and fall sick..
i soooo wish i could have a break where no exam are coming up..

huh.....BUT i know life aint made easy so ive gotta bring my butt up and start working like a mad cow again...
i havent been working hard for some years and have been depending on my frens to help me..
but i will pick up my butt and go to war again..
wish me lah people...

desperate

love someone u shouldnt have...
i keep on thinking if i should continue keeping the current condition with this girl..
see she is older than me, a cheerful friendly beauty nice sweet and naughty girl..
she is everything i yearn for in a girl..
from the way she chats to the way she smile and the way she acts dumb when she sees me..
everything she does is attracting me closer but it still doesn't move any closer...

she's become my obsession..
i kept telling myself that i will keep my distance so that i could pull out whenever i want..
but this other side of me keeps telling me to not let the chance of getting her..
she is the type where u lose that one chance thn its gone forever..

she's not rejecting but she is not accepting..
she chats but she's not revealing anything bout what she feels..

i feel that i can see right through her act of dumbness however im not sure of the answer myself..
i try to keep her out of my mind,try to relax but every time i close my eyes, the image of her pop's out...

have i fallen so deep??..
i doubt so but i think so..
i know that the chances are low but heck there's nothing to lose just trying...
but by trying will i ever get to pull myself out..

all this darn question keeps popping out..
she is like a princess from one side and another rocker's daughter on the other side..
how bad is she is what made her so damn attractive...

she ask questions that i need to cast my ego aside and reveal my true intention...
says who ladies are weak??..

psfff...can i ever let go??......

being brave isnt stupid and blind

Some people say 'wah, u are very brave', u must be crazy...
Then people expect that u will do any thing that seems crazy to them which eventually they will ask u do it for them..

HEAR ME SAY THIS ONCE..
i cannot stand any bullshit that goes like u are more brave and i am not brave..
its not that i am more brave and u dont have guts, its whether are u willing to throw the dice and see what number u might get..its bout whether u can lose or u cant give it up..
yes,to me things that might seem difficult is more challenging and hence i will take the risk..
in fact, at times i am reckless and hurtful..
i dont do things with thinking too much..
to me by the time u are done thinking the challenge is all over..
and no i am not stupid..risk brings a meaning that there is a probability of failing and succeeding...
and u wont know..yes,it might end up failing, but at least i tried...

i often hear people around me say i am scared so jit lun why dont u do it for me??..
or jit lun go do it for me please,u are more brave than i am...
or even, u are brave without using brains so why dont u do it..
as if im the one with brains but im not using them..

actually i get very piss off with these verses...
if u are afraid defines that u are weak but u still can do something bout it.
u can take the risk ahead, play with it..
for every stone u throw, the chance of hitting the jackpot is much closer...
u learn from every time u fail and feel glad everytime u succeed...

but if u tell me that u wanna stay weak then go ahead..
to me,people who use that verse are just synonym to rubbish...

to might actually hear someone say that they rather stay weak then take risk is just a waste of breath talking to them..
at least u do everything u can and there are no regrets of not trying hard enough..

SO FOR THE LAST TIME dont tell me u are afraid and u wont try..
i am so done and over such nonsense....
im moving on....
people think that brave people don't have feelings hence they ask whatever nonsense and say thing as they please...
let me tell u that,yes in hell we have feelings, even brave people are scared..
but we held up our guts, live up to the challenge and take risks...
that is what made us people brave and not weak...
don't get the wrong concept that brave is an inheritance because it is born within everyone's blood and it's only how one find the way to search for this braveness....

live up to it...

sometimes i know the road down is so hard and difficult..
its narrow, bending and never goes easy...

i do get lost sometimes, afraid, shiver , tremble, and fall...
but what i do know is that, everytime im down ,hurt and fallen..
someone will come and help me...pick me up..
look out for me..
while some don't...

for those who've been there for me are truely my friends and i understand how much u guys and girls care for me..
appreciate it..
but for those who didn't bother to help me..
i still treat u as who u are..
a friend..
i know that it aint easy being a friend and choosing ur friend i important..
and i also know that it is impossible for people to accept every little person in their life..

the truth is that everyone is scared that what they do will inflict pain to other people...
but to me it is that if u don't try thn u wont succeed.....
for everything ur afraid and u try, u gain a success and courage for although just a inch of improvement..
fo this is what i believe and will live up to it..

A thousand words may not hurt as much as a single word

U can win but u cant win all...
Ive always thought that i am familiarize with this term..
To be frank,now all that is kept playing in my head was just a verse,no...a word that made me felt sad..
See,having a full intention to play basketball so i headed out and drove there to college..
Put on my shoe,warm up and i am ready to go..
Not showing any expression just being myself as i just wanted to enjoy myself playing basketball..
I did not play well and not play my best at all as i am still not adapted to their gameplay..

I truely admit myself that i do not adapt quickly to things..
i'm rather slow..
So i lost the game a few times..
Couldnt say who to blame as we played as a team..
As just to be happy i play basketball..was that so much to ask for to be happy??..

So we did lost one game where this nigerian was a bit self centered and did not want to pass the ball..
So i voice out for myself to hear just to get rid of the frustration...
Then this guy ask me whom was i referring to?..
And he add that he thinks that the Nigerian was better than i am..

the way his tone was define something very different..
it wasnt just his thought by that word BETTER...
i know it is foolish to be sad or depress over such trivial things..
but from his tone and word he makes me feel that i think that i can win all in the court...

the fact is that i dislike that people who don't me addresses me something whom im not...
but the fact is still that i can't change or make people think the way i want them to be..

im stuck in a world that shall i insist on ignoring bout people's comment bout me as it isnt true or am to listen and adapt for better??..
neither way makes it hard as the road ahead is blurry and full of unexpected pop ups...
but for now a thousand words may not hurt as much as a single word...

weird...

i cant seem to stop and wonder if posting picture in ur blog makes ur blog looks more interesting..
well...i dont take pictures that often as no one really wants to take picture with me..
i nvr stay quiet and still ,so no wonder and uploading pictures of myself and looking back at my own blog looks lame..

some guy wrote to another person saying this 'i thing u can do that'..
lmao!!...
well,i ain't such a position to be laughing at people but i can barely resist it..
i mean think and thing sounds alike but WAY different meaning..
if u aint sure,go check a dictionary...

well,haha...
ok...over with it..
so whats nxt??..ermm...
new songs are out...but apparently i haven't got the time to track them down and right now i am unable to watch my favorite tv programme HOUSE...
sis and bro are watching and i miss the opening...
so i guess my bedtime for today is 2...

and wow..lakes won today in the final..
proud proud..
there was this part where the emcee said that kobe didnt wanted an ice pack cause he wanted to feel the pain..
lol..sometimes i wonder what other man thinks..pain = inspiration for win..
and basically todays game was a blast..
dwight howard was silent by gasol throughout the game and odom was just astonishing..
kobe as usual,the best there is..and fisher made a great contribution to the team..
and as a result..2009 nba champions...
yeah..lakers rocks...

i want a girl to be my side but is it a pretty one or the one i love

ive always wonder if i want a girl that is pretty or the girl that i love..
ive had friends who told me that choose the one u love instead of the pretty ones..
i know that but can i do that??.

i know it might sound wrong but its true bout me..
who doesnt get distracted by pretty things???
apparently everyone does..
should be the one that fascinates my eyes or the one that adores my heart??..
if she is someone i can't stand seeing how am i to love her??..
but if she is someone that everyone loves seeing how secure is her love for me??..

u are planning to spend time with the person u wanna be with..
but which should be the right one??
the one that wears a dress to a beach or the one who wears jeans to a prom night??..
the one who looks pretty but dumb or the one who looks dumb but clever??..
but with all these to request,do people have the same request as i do??..

confusing..people say slowly find and u dont know who u might end up with..
im afraid that i will nvr find that very person and by so im taking all chances..
but am i doing right??..
if not taking all chances then wait for someone??
its not easy waiting for an answer which keeps u awake at night,wondering and mesmerizing..
hmm...
amazed as i read through my own blog...
its all bout words and its all bout question with no answer..
ask me if i am yearning for a girl...
noooooo....
ask me if i am wanting to be alone for this while...
nooooo.....

even myself do not know myself..
i want to love but not to love??..
hate my mum when she is right..
she says that i think too much...
well,guess somehow she knows that best things in life comes free..
my mum always ask me to have fun...
yet i find no joy nowadays that life seems a bit dull already..
im beginning to stress out on my studies..
yet i do find the time to listen to songs like mario u should let me love u pr mayb hinder without u....

best things in life come free..

disappointed..

today went out with a girl to watch the movie night at the museum 2..
the show was hilarious and nice,overall its was worth watching..

so i went to lm at like 11.30..
went to a n w for breakfast then head off to popular to read my favorite magazine..
the men's magazine..
so written in there were basically men's stuff..
and there this section called the sex bulletin if i was not mistaken,wrote there bout girls commenting how to be called a sexy guy..
so there written bout guy's blog shouldn't be bout the depressive stuff instead should be something a guy's desire....

so i apparently disagree..
though i do wanna thought as a sexy man..
but i find the comfort to write bout my depressive stuff in here..

i seriously don't understand her..
does she have feelings or does she not??.
she spends time with me but she keeps her distance..
she gives me a feeling that i wan u but i dowan u..

seriously i do not know what is my next move towards her..
though sometimes i feel like msging her or even calling her out..
but she seems all busy..
she makes it sound all nice to call me out for lunch or to spend time with her but in the end she keeps her distance..

i dont know how long can i survive in this situation..
to be frank,my feelings for her had not fade..
it was always there but i kept it within me cause back then she had another man's heart..
but now she is single..
she cheers for single but is that what she wants??..
or am i just giving myself too much hope??.
mom is always nagging bout me thinking too much when things are made easy..

so i wanted to ask her does she still likes me??..
though i admitted that im not convince to be in a relationship now but i do want a woman to change my thought of so..
i don't want to be a wanderer,always finding and not having someone to lay back on..

i always envy the moments where the guys get to lay back and have some alone time with the one they love..
well,i admit i think too much..
but just to be clear,i do still like her and the feelings aint something that is fading soon..
i guess its here to stay..

so another disappointing thing would be my performance for the basketball training..
i do not know why i had tremendously retard of my stamina..
mayb i cant focus on the game..
i dont know..
something is bothering me..
and thanks to all that wished me on my bday..
i do appreciate it a lot..

happy bday.....

its 12.32 in the middle of the night and its my bday...
im waiting for her msg just to wish me..

its nothing much and its doesn't mean anything much but right for the moment i yearn for it..
every minute i see it pass...
every msg i tend to be wondering who is it..
well its okay.........its not the first year...

im 18...lol..
legally 18....
and regarding bout the request of having a comment box or chat box...
i dont know how to include into my blog....
so find someone to teach me??..

im so beautiful,so damn beautiful

so basically ive fallen for the beautiful by akon..
ive been setting it as my ringtone,singing it day and night..
well its truely one awesome song...

so damn beautiful...

ok..so here i am,publishing a new post since the last 2 day i was too tired to post any..
life's been great!!!!..
i cannot believe two great things happen on me just between 2 days..

ok...so here's the first thing..it was 2 days ago that i stayed back in college just to slack and chat with my weird fren,sin yee..
it was 5 we started chatting..
then around 6 plus,a couple of seniors,a girl and a boy, came to us and ask me if i would like to compete for prom king..
EYE OPEN,ROUNDS AS A COIN,SURPRISED,SPEECHLESS was my reaction to their question..
i was shy OF COURSE..so i giggle(like a man)..i was like hooooly shit..me??..prom king??..unimaginable..definitely not me...
then my fren sin yee..convince me to join and said it would be fun..
and the seniors were like u met with our criteria..
and i was quite happy when they say so..
means im not that bad after all..
since then i loved facing myself in the mirror..vain right??!!..i agree...though i have these two pimples on the bottom of my jaw both side to side..
yeah...life's good..
so vote for me if i passed my audition......
im so beautiful!!!..so damn beautiful..

haha...then it was just yesterday that i had a friendly match with a us team..
boy they were good..
they had this player who was a nba draft player..i guess it should be put in this way..
he was like dwayne wade...he scored 10 points in 30 seconds!!!!!..
and coach put me on the game to mark him..
what a joy to mark him though i couldnt do it..






















im recognise by my blue nike shoe..i loved this picture so much..like i was a nba player..
beautiful and remarkable skills by wilson the photographer~!!!!!...
i love it...muah!!!!!see how tall that white guy is??..at least a head or more..

i only had 1 assist but no points score for 4minutes in the game..its an achievement cause im the 1st rookie coach put in the main team..im proud..but i will work harder..
i love it i love it i love it..hey,told u 30 minutes of gay time...

ok...the next thing would be in my post would be the mini i phone that i would be selling..




it would be the size of ur palm..suitable for girls...for guys it would be slim and nice to hold




















its still wrap and new...


















sry,the headset is mine...this is just to show how it looks like..














it could support up to 16gb not 8gb...

















iPHONE...













please tell me if u are interested...
ispring_143@hotmail.com is my msn address....
add it,tell me ur name,ur price,...

well..i did fulfill my frens request..update my blog,put some pictures in it..
so what else do u all dearful friends would like me to do in my blog??..

failed my driving test..lol..

so today i went for my driving car test..
woke up at 7..
reached there at 9..
waited till 10 just to fail my slope..
and then waited till 2 just to pass my on the road..
so basically i was quite happy..

and i did notice one thing that when people are getting nervous,its always easier to get to know them at that particular moment.
mayb they needed someone to chat with..
or they were just shaking and needed some comfort..

so i got to know a few people there..
a girl who her name was cheryl..
well..she is a chinese..
talkative..
and she likes to describe me looking alike as her fren..
by that she meant my expressions and my eyes..
so in conclusion she is friendly..

then what a joy..
i met the plum plum chicken wing flabby arms janice lee ci en and fierce and all nice subashini along my day at the driving test..
and when i failed my slope..
they joined me!!..
good frens..
hard to find..
appreciate what u girls did for me!!..
and when uncle droves us back in his kancil..
his air cond broke down AGAIN??..
so i stood my head out of the scrolled down window and now i understand why dogs love doing that..super relaxing...and uncle was going only at 60km per hour..
i will remember to adapt myself to the car nxt time..
i will not fail again..
oh well..

so nowadays if i had the time i would do some 30 minutes gay time aka blogging..
well my fren were asking me update it so i was like,yeah y not??..
although i dont think she will read..
but oh well,friends request,y reject??..

then i was thinking bout finding a gf today..
i was thinking hey,i think im financially good and my lifestyle is quite stable so maybe i should find one now??..
but then i came to think back bout these few days im pretty hot tempered and ive been in quite a mood swing..so better not..
wouldnt wan my soon to find and be 4th gf running away crying in ters due to my mood swings..

so basically no..
no to relationships..
but yes to more friendships..
i think im chatting more these few days.,
though time goes slowly for me but im enjoying it..'
sometimes im facing some challenges and sometimes im just plain ordinary happy me..
so college life did cheer me up..
compare to sticking myself out for my 'brothers' and college life??.
COLLEGE LIFE..
happier merrier and i think i will start cam whoring...seems fun..

failed my driving test..lol..

frens dont last cause they aint true??..

pffff!!...screw the word fren..
im so angry over a minor thing which i should had been over it.....
i should be spending my time doing my assignment instead of blogging over such minor things..
but it keeps bothering me..

so its just a simple friend and friend argument..

i dunno whether i did mention in my other post bout him??..
well he is an awfully rude person..
i cant understand why i even became close with this kind of friend..

he is like a flirty jerk,as long as that girl is pretty he wants to know..
its okay,cause if u don't find then u won't find em..
BUT..he doesn't dare to make a move on to get the know the girl..
and then he would force his friends to 'HELP' him..
eventually his friend,apparently would be me at most times=.=...
will let him get his softer side and eventually i will 'HELP' him..

to think back,i was very very dumb...
he was only taking advantage of my soft side..
to him,my actions and move is kiddy or they would use they word IMMATURE..

so just to let u all know if u think that i am immature that u can take advantage of my softer side,u can go fuck yourself and bang ur dear freaking balloony head on the wall..
i learned and won't let it happen again..

okay..the next issue would be his way of answering people..
visualize this,that u with the intention of sending a simple message just to ask if he wanted to play basketball and his reply is fuck u..
just two words,fuck u..
how unbearable rudeness of him..
u could say that this is minor cause foul words are common among our gangs..
BUT not to me..
in our gang we are all assholes when it comes to calling people or msging to come play for basketball..
we rather not call or msg..
so I'm doing the job that nobody wants to do..
I'm doing with no hope of u paying me back my phone bill..
and just he replies fuck u..
AND NO MATTER WHAT FUCKING EXCUSES U MAKE TO ME,I AM IGNORANT..

such low standards...
such a gap difference between our educational level to our morality level(dunno how to express in words)..

YES..I AGREE ITS KINDA IMMATURE OF ME TO BE MAD OVER SUCH SMALL AND MINOR SHIT CRAP LOAD OF BULLSHIT THINGS BUT..
i am very disappointed of why i helped in the first place..
i didn't wan to listen to what others said bout him..
i was ignorant cause i thought as long as i am a true friend to him so he will as well..

but all that sincerity just to recognize myself as a doll and toy for him to walk all over..
all the while i was treating him with respect and loyalty as a friend..
but he was just taking advantage of me..
i fucking hate these kind of people..
they ain't sincere..
so this is what u get of being nice and sincere to someone??..
so i practically can say THIS IS WHY I AM SO ANTI SOCIAL WITH GUYS..
i am a guy and i understand what we are going true..
but why am i the one always being the fool..
i could understand if the girls treat me this way because its the difference of our sex..
but guys..same species...
i was kinda happy so far..
very satisfying with my life so far till this incident..
again repeating history itself...

u must be crazy my friend..

tired tired tired...
this word has been repeating itself in my head and it has kept rewinding..
and everytime i i think of this word i fell asleep..

and this is how i miss my g.chem class today!!!..
ta de mother(ur mother)..i was awake at 4.30 but i was hit back asleep with a headache just when i wake up..
so basically im lazy...

i did stop a while for b logging..
because i felt like blogging is such a gay move by a guy..
its like u read a blog that writes "hey,im soooooo happy today that i bought a new jeans,etc"...just to know what it was written by a guy..
i mean yeah it is expression but i felt it was a bit gay..
but hey,gay is like common among ppl??.
so whats wrong bout me being a gay for what?..30 minutes of my day

actually i wanna admit something that i am comp dumb and blog dumb..
as u can see that my blog is dull..
boring,full with words??..
it is not because i dowan to learn how to improve my blog, its just that i dont know where the heck to fancified my blog..

i too wanted ppl to look at my blog and say wow,colourful!!..
retard me..

2nd thing i wanna admit is that after so many years i came to know that im a shy guy..
haha..
i turn my back when some girl that i dont know talked to me..
haha..
even a she has the guts to approach me but the one with the balls turns away...
lah..regret man i tell u..
dont do that for u guys out there..
im so anti social and i dont know why..
i try to friendly but i guess i wasnt trying hard enough...

but all i do know is that i irritate people easily..
so let me know if i irritated u..
i guess i will try to stop being so irritative??..

i guess im kinda still influence by people around me who hates me..
so i guess i should say fuck off??...
i mean in the ass i should care bout them..
yes ive been telling myself this but still so i couldnt ignore them..
i must try hard..
i must be confident that i could one day laugh at those who look down on me..

ok..enough bout me..
i think i did get to know a new friend..
she is 20..
ermm..not slim...friendly..
willingly to learn..
study type..
laughs at my cold jokes..
right..
the best of all is that she dont mind mixing around a kid like me..
see.........im friendly..
oh yeah nowadays i enjoy self praising..
ok..enough bout me..
thn she is like practically the same class in all classes as i am..
well as long she is neutral thn im fine..

ehhhhh...im selling a iphone mini..
i try to upload some pictures into the blog later whn i get my hands on it..
its iphone but mini type..
its a china phone and LEGAL AND WONT EXPLODE...
gee cant understand ppl..china phone will explode!!!the the how can china reach the population of 1 billion eh??..
there wont be peace at china lah..so many explosions happen...
if so thn 1 million ppl is also an unreacheable dream lah..
funny ppl..
lol..

well..i guess im tired AGAIN!!...

college life starts now..

well..orientation just came and pass..
it wasnt that fun because i pretty much didnt socialize which i pretty much regret it alot..
actually this orientation made me realise something that im just soooo alike the ordinary expectation of people..
mum always said that malaysian's student are most not outspoken..
apparently that is true..
i mean to be able to speak in front of a crowd to make urself clear and to make a good first impression and to not make a fool of urself isnt really something easy..
though some seniors did make a very good example..
in fact a few were quite remarkable the way they handle the situation...

the crowd was very down and gloomy that it makes me wanna stand up and shout 'fuck,this shit is boring'...
well,couldnt find the balls to do so..
well college had many pretty girls and some hot guys even the hibrids were there too..
so many things and so many stuff which i havent explore bout college..
guess i shall have fun there...

oh yeah...just so some people know..
i really dont care bout ur opinion towards me anymore..
u can call me immature or talkative or whatever it is..
the fact is that i wanna have fun..
if being naive i could have fun learning..
i would!!..
if being talkative i can get more friends...
i would!!..
if shouting enables me to express my feelings..
i would!!..
if my immature thoughts can make me a friendly person or someone easy to bullied and mix around..
i would!!...

i hate and sick of this boredom concept call being mature..
im 18...
the freaking big round dunno how many kilometres round shape star we lived is such a big place to be but how many times can we be immature and have fun..

some people think i smile because im lost in my own world..
but nope..i smile because its just the way i am..
if frowning is better than a smile thn sry lah..not my punya style...
punani of some people thinks that they are sooooo mature...
well..go gather ur hormone and fur and that mature thinking of urs and keep aside..
LG=life's good...

i dont and wan to fall for you again..

ever loved someone whom u rejected??..
ever felt desperate for u to talk to her?..
its like a torment just to talk her...u want to talk to her but u dowan too..
u wan to hold back ur feelings..
u know it aint right for u to like her again but yet u wan it...
u yearn for her to care for u but u show nothing,no expression when does care for u..
u hope for a chance to be with her again for u left tht choice due to ur foolishness and selfishness...
u wan to have the distance but u dowan to be too far away..
ur stuck here thinking whether is it u she wants to talk or it is just all in ur mind..
u pick up ur phone and all u ever wanna text is her...

for why in the hell u know ur not gonna be worthy for her and for all that uve done u hope for another chance??..
u tried so hard to pull out of liking her but just her appearance for tht very 5 seconds and all effort to put the distance is thrown away??washed up??..
u know ur all out of love..
u only wan someone to love u but why her??..
y??..
all is happening again..like a spoilt tape that keeps rewinding and rewinding..
u wanna stop the tape..but for somehow tht very spot that keeps rewinding make u happy.
though ive found someone new that i thought i would like but it seems its all a lie..
u wanna stop everything inculding conversation with everyone else just so u could focus on her..
its dumb and yet u know it..
nothing bout what u do for her is gonna make her to give u another chance..
she probably just laugh at it thinking that ure just a mere boy doing unnecessary things...
to her ur nothing..
but to u,she's like a poison..
every step u take make u deeper and the pain gets more real....
i dont but i wan to fall for u again..

im stuck in between a choice of my own and all the people around me

im stuck,i cant move and i cant think...
i cant relax,i got like all the time in the world and i cant make a decision..

my feelings are afraid and confuse..
i know this isnt something i should be thinking now but its like rewinding in my head over and over again..
it doesnt make me sad but it makes me stupidly thinking....

ever try to plant a seed,nuture it with all ur heart,watering it everyday,hoping it would bloom into something beautiful..
but suddenly a storm came,the wind was so strong that the leaves of the plant u cared so much,torn leaf by leaf by ur very own eyes that instantly it died...
after a series of hard time u were left with nothing..
people tease u that u werent smart enough to create a shelter for it..
u did not tend to protect that all u were trying to is make things grow out instead of fixing the obvious problem eventhough uve been told forth and back yet ure unable to realise...
months later u got another seed...
u were hoping to give it another try however due to past experience u were confuse..
the question u ask is 'should i??,whether u wan it or not??'..
and all this questions make u hesitate and put a hold to taking any action hoping time would solve the ridle for u...
yet day after another day passes by..
u still hope that time would take away the pain of yesterday and solve ur ridle..
as time flies by,the seed eventually died..
u regret..u were thinking of all the beautiful things could happen instead of death..
as one door closes another opens up,yet an other seed appears before ur very eyes for u..
however u are afraid again..
people around u were so different in opinion..
one side of the hand said that give it another try so that u will learn..
the other side of the hand said to not give it a try because u yet no learn to take care and had cause two death...
in such a big turn ure back to square one..
right at where u started..
ure stuck..

what can u all give me as an advice??..
i wanna like her and get to know her..
yet people around are so different in their opinion..
im holding back my feelings..
some people are claiming that i am being unloyal..
said that i could love a girl this moment and moments later its another one..
friends say that happiness is searched not through other's mouth..
some people said that she aint a decent girl,aint simple as i think she is..
friends say get to know her urself...judge her from what u know bout her urself..

things are not spoken unless something more or less did happen..
what am i to do??.
hurrrrrm..
stuck..and everytime im at it..i run by playing..
hoping time passby so i wont need to think of it..
but every night as i go to sleep..
the question pops!!back to square one..
i do not know if i will and can get her..
but not trying seem dumb of me..
trying would also seem foolish of me..

shall i or shall i not???..
ahhh...play dota(will lose eventually)..

not really such a happy day..

im not happy today..
now that i realise that friends arent friends..
that even among friends,we spilt up into different variety of groups just because disagreement of judgement and thought..

sometimes im left to wonder all alone if it was really a bad choice or not..
was it something i said that sound so immature??.
i thought if u treat someone good eventually they will treat u back..
but however it seems no matter how u treat that someone good,a grudge is a grudge,a scar is a scar,that they wont change their perception anymore bout u..
if they think ure immature thn u are from the start till the end of the friendship..

i feel that these people are so cold hearted and are so full of themselves..
giving people a chance and changing ur thoughts about him/her defines that ur giving urself another chance too..

i maybe foolish to not know what im saying half the time....
but i do know this that as much i am not good in words,i had nvr betray or backstab a fren whom i call him/her friend..

it takes a lot of guts to betray someone and it takes a lot of thought to say one and do another..
sometimes to think back,im really through with friendships..
if u wanna talk to me thn u talk..i dont wan to bother to ask or talk much about anything..
its this feeling of the more u talk the more mistakes u made..
having to think back i do talk too much..
i have problems shutting my mouth..
i have problems voicing unnecessary stuff..

i really should have kept my distance as even making friends is a task..
actually there is so much to talk bout friends..
i could type a million words but none can reach anyone as it really takes one to notice another..

why are we so weird??

A GIRL..
what is the first thing that passes through ur mind when u come across the word a girl..
polite,decent,pretty,demanding,pious and so on...
however nowadays it's not the same anymore..

the other day i was walking the 'pasar malam',i saw a girl who was quite nicely dress and had quite a gorgeous look..
but as i observe closely,she was holding a cigratte..
i mean its not that im a sexist that guys smoking are normal and girls shouldn't..
no,its just that WHY??...

knowing its not a healthy habit,knowing its hazardous towards urself,ur friends,and everyone else around u??
smokers are selfish...

please,reasons to smoke like releasing stress or temptation even being brave to try it are sooo nvr to why u should pick up this habit...
u wanna release stress??..
eat something nice..play..jump..shout...talk...roll around...punch..kick...chop...
so many other methods than smoking..
being brave??ur just being dumb...
temptation??..cant u control urself??..

my reaction was ok,not a good person..
i mean ur selfish,u smoke and u dont care bout health or other people around..
what if ur pregnant??ur still tempted to smoke,u cant resist,and thn poof,u smoke..
damaging and killing an innocent foetus...
because of smoking u born a mentally retarded child who was damage by the drugs in the smoke..
u make him/her hate themselves just because they were born into the world unperfectly where u can prevent all these from happening if u could resist and nvr lose to smoking..

life is cruel and sad the way u think they are...
learning how to cope and overcome ur troubles is the best way to turn out to be someone normal..

why am i so afraid of trying anymore??..

gutless and cocky was my style once...
i could say what i thought i want and do what i say..
i always told myself to talk the talk and walk the walk..

this verse taught me 2 things to bear in mind..
1 is to tell the truth at whatever situation being question..because honesty is nvr in all man's heart and the trust given by people can't be bought instead it's earned,yet lies can take all the earning away..

2 is to be true to urself about what u can do and can't do..no point in telling other people what u can dream to do..prove urself worthy is always better...

however my mum the other day told me i was being too frickle minded..
i do admit it..
i think too much...
is this the reason to why i am so afraid to try???..
it was two dissapointment for last year..
a fail relationship and a very devastating result...

i tend to think i have so much responsibility at times..
to care for this and to care for that..
some ppl whom i lived with,could live without caring bout others..
they even told me that in life,selfish is the one thing that keeps ur survival in the real world...
i agree however i cant be that selfish..
sometimes it is not bout the benefits i get from people however its that one thing i do for them to just see a smile makes my heart feel so comfortable..
living life was just more than one person..
i feel that life has to have various choices...

somehow i feel like losing isnt something i want anymore..
i wanna build a relationship with a girl which is stable and firm..
i wanna be more expose to knowledge..
i wanna be better in my languages..
i dont wanna be a weakling...
i wanna rise again so i can look up and walk again..
sometimes i feel so disgraceful just looking at my exam slip..

i feel so ashamed of myself..
i felt like i dont even stand a chance to be called an adversary in other people's eyes...
i wanna tell other people im more than just my mouth..
i will remember those who step on and laugh at my results..
its a personal vendetta..
but chillax,im not gonna kill them or what..
im just gonna put in my effort,rise again,make them change their minds bout me..

to lift myself where fallen,to pick up my guts and to strive on..
i do not want to struggle in the sand but i want to be a memory ,a image,an example...
what didnt kill me,only makes me stronger....

ns fella...

there goes again friends who are leaving..
good friends and close friends whom i wont be able to chat with for quite some time..

though part of me really felt uneasy cause 3months change alot of things,i do not wanna say goodbye or send them off..

i do not wan to see them cry or myself cry as well..
plus,goodbye are for ppl who are leaving u for good..
nope,its just three months..
but here i wish through this blog to all those whom i did not say anything or replied their msg..
good luck,have fun and take care...
hygiene must be taken first in order..

and when u do meet friends,dont forget ur old ones..
and for one special friend who has always been there for my troubles,i will wait for u to return and yes i intentionally do not want to sent u away because i will feel very sad cause i have no one to tell me troubles at..
pls pls take care of urself....

work in His mysterious ways..

spm results were out..
my results were a big disappointment...
i thought i was good enough..
however it stroke me from behind,without notice..
i was stun to look at my results..
speechless and couldn't accept my results...
reluctant to think other than that they had made a mistake..

i got a b4 for my english..

He was the one whom i ask for courage..
He was also the one who took away my courage..

at 1st i was so frustrated..
i couldn't accept the fact that its a b4..
i could ensure i wasn't that weak..
but even through twisting and turning the paper back and forth..
none of the printed words and figure change on that slip..
shame..i felt such shame in me..
it was a blow so hard that it left me in tears..

i wasn't crying for the fact i agree that i was weak..
but i cried because i've proven myself repeatedly times that i would not get such a result..
this damage is permanent..
each tear rolls down my cheek with full disappointment..
suddenly i felt that i was the laughing stock among my parent's colleague...

a person who speaks in english,talks in it,studied in it could get such a result..

i once heard a phrase,why do we fall??...so that we learn to pick ourselves up..
(i think from batman)
another one was god can setup success and so can he tear down the empire given to u..
my point is i hear them,i feel them,but this heart of mine couldn't let go..
i feel so heavy,such shame and pain..
i laugh when people ask me whats ur results like??..
i don't want sympathy..
neither i don't want advices...
i wanted time alone..

then came grandma's phone call..
she smile when i said i got only 2A...
she said it was already good enough..

all my parents could say is that i didnt give my effort...
i didnt do good enough..
at the very moment i was down,they step on me..

what i hope was tht nothing change..

all tht is running through my mine is i fail to pass the obstacle set by Him..

another year has passed so quickly..

wow...in a blink of an eye im back to the day where everything meets the wrong turn..
the day ive started making a decision where i regreted for a series of time..

though time clicks and past,the solitary moments ,the worse and the very intense moments of life has just pass in a blink of an eye..

one year back,i was still wondering what will this year be??..
one year from back then ,im wondering what could ive done better last year for this year..

funny though,how life parts at every turn..
in just a year u change to learn more and spread out like a drop of an ink into a glass full of milk..
suddenly another year will pass and soon u will find tht people change so much..
some maybe good some maybe bad..
however u may find urself still stuck being the same old u..
wondering and ponder if u ever did change from this very point..

i dont know bout others,but i always look back onto myself and ask if ive grown from yesterday and the day before..
am i a better person or am still a bewilderment child trying to figure out who am i..
though i do not know the answer but i tend to give out an effort to try to stay in line..

i believe tht as long as u dont give up being the good guy,u will bloom eventually into a normal person..
i believe tht holding on to ur belief is what most important to be a better person..
so,mayb this year my moto will be 'nvr be tired being the good guy'...
i hope i can live up my moto..
i will work hard to live up to tht..
so may every obstacle i face,i face with bravery and patiently..
for every fall,i shall pick myself up and look up again..
for every success,mayb i not be cocky and to be more mature...

i feel guilty

today was the day 1 and the last day of my first job..
this morning at 7.00 i woke up to get ready for my job..
iron my clothes ,took a bath,wax my hair tidily..
headed off to kl to had breakfast with my parents..
this tht thn tht this..
thn reach MEGAN AVENUE.
went up to the office with my dad..
talk to the in-charge person there...
and there i met christina..

at 1st i thought she was a rather quite person..
nth much to talk about and rather the cool type person..

later she prepared some notes for me..
taught a lot of stuff bout retail sales..
she wasnt really someone who could crack a joke out suddenly..
she was rather trying to maintain cool..

so after she brief me on the retail sales thingy,she asked me to go for my lunch and bloody,my lunch itself cost me rm12..
sheesh..city life..
thn after lunch i went back up to the office to wait for her to bring me to sg wang,my work place..
and then,........while waiting for her,i was reading my notes and not long after tht i went twinkle twinkle little star..
i slept for like half an hour and god knows who heard my snoring..
i was tired!!..
damn it..

so after tht she drove me off to pavilion,the 2nd branch shop..
not bad u know for a small shop in pavilion but such an outstanding decoration..
i went there like twice and i still felt like 'hey,this is comfortable..'
so she introduce to my sheila a staff there..
thn she ask a bit bla and bla thn she drove me to sg wang..

now,one thing bout her is tht her driving skills are excellent..
she did turnings my mum nvr can attempt..
though i nearly pee in my pants but somehow it makes her look cool..
right..

thn at sg wang she brought to the work place..
i quickly adapt myself to the enviroment as the staff there were very friendly..
i felt close there..
i learn to memorize the items there..
i learn to key in the money..
how to do this and tht..
so basically i learn a lot during the 1st day..

thn...i went to take a monorail to my mum's office..
on my way home thn i decided to refuse to work due to personal reasons..
so,i really owe a big thanks to christina...
i really appreaciate what she's done for me..
and a big sry for dissapointing u...
but i hope someday i will get to used what u had taught me..

i feel like running away from them.

sometimes we get so furious over things..
despite its small or big,we throw our temper..
see i was throwing around my temper with one of brother ka hoe lah..

he is the laziest guy i've ever known but he's got the weirdest way to make someone realise and the best advice from the bad situations..
he pops out something like 'wow,u' re really having a bad time,having so much troubles,so much to think.'..
i was spreading my words with temper all over his face without noticing it..
but when he pops that verse,he really make me felt bad..
he made me feel like im someone who can keep his troubles to himself and every little single thing that i don't like, i just voice it out like i' m some kind of nuisance...
maybe to others it may seem that its a simple verse or maybe that i'm thinking too much..
but for me just something so simple means so much to me..

yeah truely nowadays without study life is boring and its a pressure to not study too...
im afraid that i would settle down and wouldn't want to do anything..
im left with so many question and a very unsatisfied heart..
am i a person who cant handle my own problem??.
will i ever learn how to shut up that action speaks louder than words??..
i wanna walk the walk and not talk the walk..
i wanna be someone who is wise but i tend to spill whatever i know..
maybe im not a responsible person..
im not responsible to make myself to be more mature..
maybe im not learning enough..
what am i doing nowadays??
am i spending my time living it worth or am i just stuck in the same spot??
who am i??..will i ever be part of peoples who move mountains with just a word??
or am i a burden to the society??
wow...a simple verse made me think so much..
mayb a little too much..
but i would like his advise..
i would prefer to tell me where im weak so i can learn and keep pushing forward ahead of life..
anyway i owe him a big thanks,thanks my brother..
although ure the laziest prick ive known but somehow u make me realise something..

huh,im enjoying the song far away by nickelback..
brings back so much memories..
one mistake from one wrong choice change my life..
so meaningful man this song..
shucks,time's up..peace to the world..and happy moments to everyone..
night...

gee..life without a girl..

well well..today was a pretty insulting day..
as a matter of fact truely insulting for any guy..
ever went out and meet ur ex's friends and u all sit down to chat about..
well,my advice is dont..

NON DIFFERENCE IN SEX OR GENDER
for a person to forget bout their loved ones is truely a hard thing to do..
it can bring back all sort of memories u had with him/her either bad nor good..
second of all,u will feel so awkward being in that situation..
u don't know what to say and do what to make a good impression that the past relationship was put to the past..


ok..so why do i felt insulted...so u see my ex's friend are my younger brother's friend..
they came over to my house..
so as usually i dont wanna talk so much..
ok..based on their age i shouldn't be pissed at what they say,as a matter of fact i don't need to react at all to their words..
but u know thy suddenly pop out a question when they open my wallet..
its goes like 'oh gosh,u dont have money??..thtz right u dont have a girl'..
insulting??..
do u know guys care for their pride a lot??..

NO OFFENSE TO THE GIRLS..
for a guy who has a girl..
its bout the kisses and hugs and sex and whatever is in a guy's mind..
and for a guy who dont have a girl they imagine what its like to have a girl..
so for girl pls do not look too high upon urself..
if u dowan a guy so can a guy dowan u..
we dont say tht we cant live without u..
we only say to we can barely live without sex..
so dont think too high upon urself..
dont make us sound desperate..
in fact the love we're trying to find is being close to someone and we are trying to find someone to cared about..
we arent desperate,so quit ur 'oh i think this guy is after me but i dont wish tht i will let him f**k me'..


i hear my ex's friends say things like 'wow this guy is sooooo cute' or 'wow,he is super f**king hot' and 'tht guy is sooo ugly and ewww gross' even 'he is ugly tht no girls wan him even i dont wana know him'..

do u know how bitchy u girls sound when u say tht??..
i mean who are u to judge another mother's son??..

BITCHES REMAINS AS BITCHES..
they came to my house..
finished my biscuits(i wanted to eat them,=.=)
started flushing out foul words..
started going through my privacy stuff..
started teasing and humiliating me..
started gaving comments bout my pictures..(obviously it aint good..)
started hitting my brother..
started raising their voice in my living hall..
started to be rude to me..

ok..im supposed to tell them off but i didnt..
ive manage to suppress my anger right??..
but telling me tht i cant live without their friend as my girl..
girl,ure a bitch..
so for u guys out there dont and dont ever go out hanging out with ur ex's friends..

doggy ahhh doggy..;.

I DETEST AND I REPEAT MYSELF HERE..
I DETEST PEOPLE ORDERING ME TO DO STUFF...

spoils my day when people do so..
other than my family members,i say no one and no one should even have the guts to order me around..

well..since id make it clear..
if u done something wrong to someone dont use other people to help u..
u know how tht way is just so low class tht it makes me frustrated..
fool me once the shame is on me..
fool me twice the shame is on u..

nope..i dont and i wont hesitate to reject,decline and shove a rude answer up ur face...
im not ur same blood brother or anything, we're just friends..so best u dont cross tht line..


gee...ive passed my 'undang' exam..
wow..44 is a good number too...
studied it at the last hour during red alert and still ive manage to did it..
haha..genius..haha..
wee...

well..3 days ive been going down to times square and sungei wang...
wow..one word =BOOOOOOORINNNNNGGGG...
but there are some happy moments to it too..
gee..today's post is lack of some great vocab,im losing out..

but u know the good times dont stay long..
time for the normal life again..
and to know tht chinese new year is around the corner..
oooo...IM 18 AND IM LEGAL ON ALCOHOL..
muahaha,..cant wait to get my hands on it...
oh wel..till the next post..
bye...

to hell with people who cant be reson with..

im a very sensitive guy who can be easily offended by facial expression...
im a guy who expects good manners when i approach u in a respected way..
im a guy who can be reason with but not to be deny and throw words upon...

basically i hate people who are rude and thinks too highly of themselves...
to me...everyone in this world is equal..
nobody is said to be too high or too famous upon..
i would prefer the word humble..
i hate and detest and most of all am disgust by stuck up facial expressions..

i mean..who in hell are u??..
who are u to think tht u are better thn anyone??..
firstly think of who u are??
what makes u special tht u seem to be different or more highly placed among everyone..
to me..its bullshit..
dont give reasons like beauty or being rich...
without it u still have to go on with life...

just so u know..ive just quarrel with my family members just 10 minutes ago..
wanna know why??..
im am absolutely gonna describe in full details what happened..
see...after the computer was left empty i went to MY room to turn it on..
ok..after tht i log into my msn account and went to surf friendster...
after finish surfing..i turn on some music..
im bored...whole day the comp was used by my dad..like morning till 9 at night..
ok...thn i went down to do my daily routine....
my exercise..today's exercise was the abs..
while doing it,i knew tht my sister went to my room and used the computer..
i know...
thn after finishing it..i had to take my bath..
as i was walking my up the stairs to grab my clothes..
i saw my sis turn off MY MSN AND SWITCH ON HERS..
at the very moment i was angry..
i kept quiet and i presume she knew tht i was unhappy tht she did so..
so i went to take my bath hoping she would leave the comp alone after im done..
she didnt..
so i still held my anger to myself..
and went to wipe the dinner table which i havent wipe it yet..
i was still hoping tht she would leave it alone..
SHE DIDNT..
u ask any other people to withstand this..
i believe tht what ive done is consider at my maximum ability..
even so..after cleaning the table i went to tell her to get out of my room...
its normal right?!!..
what else do u think was coming out of my mouth?..
get out of my room,PLEASE??
UNLESS I DONT HAVE MY PENIS OR MY TESTICLE ATTACH TO MY BODY THN ONLY WOULD I SAY THT..
I AINT SUCH A SISSY ASS AND A SOFT PERSON..
so i wouldnt consider it very rude of me to tell so..
she kept quite..
again i presume she caught the message..
but noooo!!!!..
she always has her damn reason..
and everytime she says her reason its like god's words..
well to hell or to god i DONT GIVE A DAMN..
the truth is tht she was being rude at the 1st place..
like iit or not ur wrong..
am i not wrong??..
thn she went calling my mum..
ahh..and then came big boosy mum..
she came into my room and without asking why she assume and made a decision tht i was wrong..
she ask me to leave her alone..
why MUST I??..
WHY IN GODDAMN HELL SHOULD I??..
ITS MY ROOM AND IVE GOT THE RIGHTS TO CALL HER TO GET LOST OUT OF MY ROOM..
AND HER SIMPLE REASON THT SHE WANTS TO DO HER PROJECT..
WHAT IN HELL DOES SWITCHING ON HER MSN HAVE TO DO WITH HER PROJECTS??..
DONT TELL ME SHE HAS TO CHAT WITH HER FRIENDS TO GET INFORMATION..
AND THT WOULD BE CALLED COPYING A PROJECT NOT DOING A PROJECT..

and u know what..after a few words my mum called my dad who was sleeping..
oh and dad came in with tht same old boring shit headed speech..
u got no manners..
get it right..who in hell dont have manners here??..
me or her??..
can u see why im so pissed??..
why am i so desperate to throw my fist at my family??...
if she wants to do her project she could have asked!!!..
although we aint talking to each other which bascially i dont give a damn bout her anymore..
she could have ask and not sit her ass down do whatever she likes.

mum could only say tht im being hard headed and im always like tht,..
and when i explain she could only say ur sis is correct!!..leave her alone..
and to hell do i care..
u know what..i really dont give a damn whether she is my mum or not..
i slam 'shut up' to her face..
even a judge wont discriminate a beggar and wouldnt say tht he is wrong..
can u feel the injustice here??..
all i wanted was her to ask me and i did not ask her to slice herself..
she still insist tht im being rude..
go to hell!!..
do u know how bored i am??.
being pinalise tht im wrong even without asking what happen??..
not able to explain what had happen..
its just a simple damn question..
i quit being a nice guy..
i give up being sweet and all..
i rather be rude and nasty thn to explain anything at all..
its shit...practically its all bullshit whatever my mum says bout me and my sis's reason are.

am i just a hard headed boy or am i just being ignorant

there's a saying tht ignorance is a bliss..

people are like so different from one to another..
each individual has their own style and there pro and cons to them..

for this very moment,im having self doubts...
what kind of doubts??..
im asking myself..
everytime someone orders me around i tend to dislike it..
i detest in everyway..
in fact i love doing my way cause i do not see the reason why i cant do it my way..
sounds hard headed???..

sry but i disagree...
to me...who are u to direct me to do stuff..
unless i am willingly to do so..
its a goal...we are different individual..
i do not insist to do it my way or neither should u insist me to do it ur way...
and please do not feel mad cause i do not go ur way..
its very childlish..
in life we are often to meet up with disagreement..
i learn to accept the better to evade the worse...
like i said,different individual...
im willingly to hear ur reason..
but..
why are people always trying to push me around??..
i take it as though they are trying to bully me..
i do not like it..
i seriously do not like it at all..

ever went into a situation when everybody seems to have an opinion but its just they dont respect ur opinion??..
tht kind of humiliation should exist in friendships...
i do not understand why must we fear someone if tht very person is merely just another homo sapien?..
u know..people tend to think they are great..
even i cant deny tht i once and still felt tht i was born for greater things..
but dont get obsess with tht feeling or its called proud..

every person falls..
pride is always high before fall..
so why?..
why wanna show and tell how great u are and demand respect from other people..
yes...i cant deny tht i love talking bout great things ive been through but its not boast..
its my experience of life..
if a simple experience conversation become a tease topic for someone thn i truely lost the mood to talk or even to trust a friend..
do u know how hurt it is?..
tht when u share something and just because someone thinks tht ur trying to prove tht ur better than him..
thy say something mean..
1st of all..i do not have to prove myself worthy of a friend..
2nd of all...in a friendship who cares who's the better one??..

ok..confession tht i felt tht im smarter at times in my gang..
i dont put this gap into mind cause everyone is equally no matter how good we are..
once my post topic was benefits kills the moral of everyone..
i still felt this during hanging out with my buddies...
i can still felt disrespect from them towards me...
yet i couldnt find the courage to voice out..

if u can prove tht im wrong thn prove it..
i rather be wrong thn to think im right..
i rather not have friends who wouldnt tell me tht im wrong and would only tease of my mistakes..
in addition..if u dun like talking to me and felt tht im a threat to ur popularity...
voice it out..
i dont mind..
like i said..if popularity is what u want..
i rather give it to anyone..
cause it nvr last..
u might be great among the greatest..
but one day..time will take it all away...

i ermm..kinda have self doubt though..
am i not fierce enough or am i just being too hard headed to accept tht things change according to situations??..
do i not have a point in my opinion??..
do i not use my brain to before i talk??..
why does it seem tht every word i speak of seems to be a heart ache to u??...
if its until tht extend thn there goes our friendship..
cause i no longer felt anymore to be said..
i rather not know u so i couldnt hurt u anymore...

so..basically ppl say,'wah so busy ah??'..
actually im not busy..
rather i know tht im lonely cause i darent not voice out my feelings..
my blog is truely one place where i show my soft side..
no matter how hard i am on the outside life..
i do cry and i do bleed as same as anyone..
and my feelings are just as fragile as glass..
im not different in this aspect..
and pls for what ive blog do not ask or question..
its like an insult to my post..

am i just hard headed??..
ive always been responsible for my own things..
ive nvr ask anyone to pick up my troubles..
what ive done is what ill get..
the good or the bad is what i should i get..
i nvr open up myself to anyone cause no one ever ask..
i know the reason why they nvr ask..
everytime someone gets too close..
i stay away...
i cant stand being close with someone..
yet somehow and somewhere so deep inside my heart,yearns for the feeling of being close to someone..
someone i could talk what i feel and could advice me in everyway without getting tired...
someone actually for the 1st time in my life..i could depend on..
yet so long and dont know when will be the right time i find tht very person..

and friends are ppl who dont care how high or how low u are..
even if ur the idiot of the century but u treat everyone equally as u do..
ur a friend..
i do not understand what is there to be proud of having a model or a superstar or a country player or a nominated star...
u know what...i dont care..
to hell to what u are..
i will treat u as a normal friend..
nothing more...nobody deserve to be treat better because he is filthy rich and popular..
nobody deserves to be look down or to be left alone because thy are not good enough..
we are equal...

Frustration is something i cant always control

PISSED...
today's word of my day is PISSED...
just to know i seldom let my temper control me...
the last time i ever let it control me,got me ended up in a police station..
but truely this time ive let it control me again..
however i do not feel tht im in a wrong position..
i have asked myself what had i done wrong for so many times and yet i do not seem to find any mistakes in my doing today..

WHAT HAPPEN THT MADE ME PISSED??...
today,me and my frens were playing bball as usual..
there was a selected country player who joined us today..
now,let's list why he is called a 'SELECTED COUNTRY PLAYER'..
thy are ppl who trained their ass out to achieve certain limit..
thy are better and brighter at stamina,skills,shooting,lay ups even at jumping heights..

HIM
my team were the one's facing the country player..
i know it's hard for my teammate to try to mark him down..
i understand..
but DO notice tht ive injured my back and i cant play like i usually do..
there's this teammate who likes to enter ball..
he is the fella marking the s.c.p(selected country player)..
he is crazy demanding balls..
he is fast and he is a quite a outstanding shooter..

REASONS TO WHY I'M PISSED
i play the same position as he does..
i DO NOT THINK THT IM WEAKER THN HIM IN ANY ASPECTS..
yet he looks down on me..
basically he looks down on most ppl..
he demands the ball from all three of us..
he wants to play a fast game..
is he crazy or is he dumb??..
we are just average players..
we are fighting against a s.c.p..
he is a trained to perform without getting tired but we aint..
playing a fast ball had caused us our stamina..
we are not stable and we couldnt breathe...
we are puking blood but the s.c.p is just smiling..
cant he read the signs??..
ok...next thing is tht he gets block just because he wans to be fast..
HELLO??..
being fast also means u have to stable..
being blocked means there is something wrong with ur tactics..
AGAIN...IS HE BLIND??..
following up...i know and i understand everybody is tired due to the 'FAST GAME'..
he wants the ball,i understand..but HELL YEAH U SHOULD TRY ASKING IT BY WALKING TO A DISTANCE WHERE I CAN PASS...NOT BEING BLOCKED BY SOMEONE AND STILL STOOD THERE LIKE FREAKING A DONKEY...
and he still claims tht im being slow and i like doing tricks..
elo..im not allen iverson or jason williams or whatever NBA stars u wanna think i am..
im just an average player..
if i can see u thn i will pass to u..
if i can shoot why dont i??...
if i can cut why dont i??..
but all in his mind is 'I NEED THE BALL AND I SHOOT..IF I DONT ENTER MY TEAMMATES MUST REBOUND AND GIVE ME BACK THE BALL TO SHOOT!!"..
this is tottally ridicolous..
even kobe bryant learns how to assist..
even the great kobe bryant the fella who scored 81pts,2nd highest point scoring in nba all time,learns the meaning of teamwork..

THTS WHY I SAY UNEDUCATED PPL ARE UNEDUCATED PPL...
after ive quarrel a bit with him which i simply just complain tht i cant pass to him..
he WALKS OUT OF THE COURT...where in hell is his SPORTSMANSHIP..
WHO DOES HE THINKS HE IS??..WALKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME??..
IF I WERE ANY FUTHER MAD I WOULD KNOCK THE LIGHTS OUT OF HIM...
ok...get done with tht which i manage to suppress my temper..
he has to make the final blow to leak my anger out..
after the game..i said sry to him..ME SAYING SRY TO HIM EVENTHOUGH I KNOW THT I AINT WRONG..
he tells me..DONT TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW..
EVEN A FREAKING BLIND AND HANDICAPPED PERSON KNOWS THT IVE PUT ASIDE MY PRIDE TO TELL U SRY..
U TELL ME THT U CANT SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN 'dont talk to me right now!'..
my god..who does he really think he is..
what a pain in the ass tht son of bitch is..
either he is stupid blind and dumb or he looks too high upon himself..
in what ways always i cant stand the way he poke his fingers and steps onto my pride...
IN ANOTHER WAY...HE LOOKS DOWN ON ME...
what an uneducated son of bitch..
wasted his stupid time in school....
learned nth...
tell and advice me HOW TO SUPPRESS THIS HUMILIATION..
dont tell me to let it be cause i dont know how..
if worst come to worst i will and SURE DAMN HELL I WILL get into a fight with him..
ask him to messed with a 2nd DAN black belt holder in taekwondo and see lah what can happen to him....
AND NO...I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING IVE SAID HERE...