why am i so afraid of trying anymore??..

gutless and cocky was my style once...
i could say what i thought i want and do what i say..
i always told myself to talk the talk and walk the walk..

this verse taught me 2 things to bear in mind..
1 is to tell the truth at whatever situation being question..because honesty is nvr in all man's heart and the trust given by people can't be bought instead it's earned,yet lies can take all the earning away..

2 is to be true to urself about what u can do and can't do..no point in telling other people what u can dream to do..prove urself worthy is always better...

however my mum the other day told me i was being too frickle minded..
i do admit it..
i think too much...
is this the reason to why i am so afraid to try???..
it was two dissapointment for last year..
a fail relationship and a very devastating result...

i tend to think i have so much responsibility at times..
to care for this and to care for that..
some ppl whom i lived with,could live without caring bout others..
they even told me that in life,selfish is the one thing that keeps ur survival in the real world...
i agree however i cant be that selfish..
sometimes it is not bout the benefits i get from people however its that one thing i do for them to just see a smile makes my heart feel so comfortable..
living life was just more than one person..
i feel that life has to have various choices...

somehow i feel like losing isnt something i want anymore..
i wanna build a relationship with a girl which is stable and firm..
i wanna be more expose to knowledge..
i wanna be better in my languages..
i dont wanna be a weakling...
i wanna rise again so i can look up and walk again..
sometimes i feel so disgraceful just looking at my exam slip..

i feel so ashamed of myself..
i felt like i dont even stand a chance to be called an adversary in other people's eyes...
i wanna tell other people im more than just my mouth..
i will remember those who step on and laugh at my results..
its a personal vendetta..
but chillax,im not gonna kill them or what..
im just gonna put in my effort,rise again,make them change their minds bout me..

to lift myself where fallen,to pick up my guts and to strive on..
i do not want to struggle in the sand but i want to be a memory ,a image,an example...
what didnt kill me,only makes me stronger....