work in His mysterious ways..

spm results were out..
my results were a big disappointment...
i thought i was good enough..
however it stroke me from behind,without notice..
i was stun to look at my results..
speechless and couldn't accept my results...
reluctant to think other than that they had made a mistake..

i got a b4 for my english..

He was the one whom i ask for courage..
He was also the one who took away my courage..

at 1st i was so frustrated..
i couldn't accept the fact that its a b4..
i could ensure i wasn't that weak..
but even through twisting and turning the paper back and forth..
none of the printed words and figure change on that slip..
shame..i felt such shame in me..
it was a blow so hard that it left me in tears..

i wasn't crying for the fact i agree that i was weak..
but i cried because i've proven myself repeatedly times that i would not get such a result..
this damage is permanent..
each tear rolls down my cheek with full disappointment..
suddenly i felt that i was the laughing stock among my parent's colleague...

a person who speaks in english,talks in it,studied in it could get such a result..

i once heard a phrase,why do we fall??...so that we learn to pick ourselves up..
(i think from batman)
another one was god can setup success and so can he tear down the empire given to u..
my point is i hear them,i feel them,but this heart of mine couldn't let go..
i feel so heavy,such shame and pain..
i laugh when people ask me whats ur results like??..
i don't want sympathy..
neither i don't want advices...
i wanted time alone..

then came grandma's phone call..
she smile when i said i got only 2A...
she said it was already good enough..

all my parents could say is that i didnt give my effort...
i didnt do good enough..
at the very moment i was down,they step on me..

what i hope was tht nothing change..

all tht is running through my mine is i fail to pass the obstacle set by Him..