im kinda depressed...KINDA ONLY...

she rejected me tht i asked her out on a date..
lol..
ouch??..
oh well..
whn i was in hong kong all i could think of is buying presents for her..
trying to msg whenever there's a line through..
but since i was back from hong kong..
i realise she doesnt pay much attention as i was hoping for...
kinda sad though..
but i think ill live..
the feeling is still there but it aint strong no more..
its so insecure being around her...
one moment she's turn on to chatting to me..
another moment she seems busy and all those stuff..
i just wanna be with her..
but if she's making it hard for me to be just around her..
i dunno how long am i to survive this torment..

oh well...kinda nice though after coming back from hong kong..
girls there are stupendously beautiful....
and coming back from hong kong made me a branded crazy fella..
ive got a head to bottom original parts from different brands..(expect my pants and jeans)
oh wel.. i will update one later..
a longer one..kinda lame with this post..

what must i do nxt??..more bout me..

ngah..she ran out of credit..
not chatting with her is like suffocating for air..
no air and no energy to keep the pursue...
oh well..guess ill have to wait..
what ill wait?..
of course a miracle to happen between us..
kinda foolish though,don't u agree??..
waiting for something but i dare not take any action..
yeap..i'm afraid...
still how i still hope she is different..

i never could get it when people say i flirt..
could anyone possibly explain whats flirt??..
if ur saying that i know too many girls,thts false..
yes i do know girls but what's it gotta do with flirt??..
other than tht,if ur claiming im being too close with girls instead of guys..
my answer,what's wrong having a best friend from the opposite sex??..
and if ur saying tht i spend my cash on girls and sweet talk to girls..
my answer,its my cash,i spend on who and what,does it bother u??.
sweet talk?..hey,mayb its just my style..
oh come on..name a possible living human guy tht doesnt wanna know any girls??..
a guy doesnt chat with the opposite sex??..
a guy who dont spend their cash on girls??..
i used be quickly angry if i was thrown on words to my face like 'ur flirting,stop flirting,are u trying to flirt with me??'
now i ermm..wouldnt be angry coze i rather tell myself tht mayb u dont understand me well or u just couldnt accept my way..
ok..a few things i do admit..
1)true ive fallen for a lot of girls but tht doesnt make me a guy who is flirting,this is lame..
2)yeah..i tried liking two girls at once..nth to explain here,my bad..
3)no deny tht i do get pretty close with girls eventhough ive just known them..im more open-minded??..
4)NO,i dont flirt to get myself satisfy,only to the one's i love..
5)NO ,ive nvr tried having two girlfriends at once,i see myself as being more loyal...
6)yeah..i do treat girls better thn guys..dont every guy do??..
7)no..ive nvr tried courting a girl with a bf..i stay away from these stuff,they get complicated..
8)NO..ive nvr use songs to make girls happy..

im not the most modest guy or held the highest pride guy but i do know where i stand and i know when i have crossed the line...
so quit it..i dont always flirt..replace the word with socialise..
it seems to be more appropriate..
and yeah,ive change to be more shy because of this issue..

so u see,i do not hope tht the person i like felt tht i love to flirt...
it hurts...
ngah...i hope she isnt..
u know..every 5minutes i think of her once..
i dunno what to think but just her..
its like she's stuck in my mind..appearing over and over again..
lol..
i dunno..
she's adorable and fierce..
she makes me happy eventhough she keeps up her attitude..
she's kinda the person tht keeps up her smile eventhough she has her troubles..
she's tough..
i dunno..it kinda gives me the feel tht she is hot and sexy...
yeah..i admit she is pretty..
but to me..whats most important,i felt tht she is nice to talk with..
ok..i think thts enough of her..wouldnt wan her to be shock if she read's my blog.
and yeah..i do wan her to view my blog to know..

life is always upon lies therefore stay put and listen to ur heart

close ur eyes in ur own room alone..
listen to ur own heartbeat...
ever listen to words from ur heart??..
u make the best decision while ur calm and ready..
its because u dont haste to make a decision..agree??..
so words from another person's mouth are just basically temptation which u nvr know whether is it just mere lies or a misunderstanding or it's the truth..
so ive answered myself with this verse tht is 'trust ur own heart'..
neither wrong or right the choice was made by ur own..
no one to blame other thn urself..
agree??..
so time proven one thing to me..
even the greater and the mightier falls upon their own words..
what do i mean?..
it means tht no one is far too good to fall..
no one is as good as nearly to pure..
so i realise this tht even the greater men and women falls to hold strong to their own words..
this is one thing i thought only im the fool to do this mistake again and again..
no..im not saying tht im mightier or greater..
im saying tht im a person who always tried to work hard for the things i said..
sometimes i dissappoint them..
i really hate the looks of dissappointment..

wei i do have some picture i really wan to post it here..

















cant stand her,princess fiona..
















still cant stand u princess fiona..

















this picture rocks ok??..although we are posing but its nice..

















1,2,3 and i felt asleep...





















big head god..please let my head grow bigger...

geez..i hope my love fortune just come back..
its like im serious for this girl but i dont dare to..
ive got no confident..
and ive been finding her a lot recently although she was in camp..

and if she knew,i really would tell her..
id rather spend bad times with u thn spend good times with other people..
i couldnt bare to live seeing u not being with me..
id regret if i dont tell u now..
i really do love u..

but..i dont think i would find the guts to tell her this..
im leaving for hong kong for a week..
i dont know how to tell her and how to communicate with her there..
and plus after christmas is over she would be starting school and ive gotta work..
im planning and planning just to see how i can see her more other thn at tkd lessons..
so the chances are fading and im losing my confidence..
in addition,after the previous relationship..
i wouldnt dare too..
i know its not fair to bring whats previous upon to the present.
but it haunts me to be felt being left alone once again..
i dont know much bout what she went through but pretty much as im afraid i dunno what will be on the coming days..
haihz..i wish to talk to her now but i dont know if she is resting or she just dont wan to talk to me..
im a pretty selfish person..
i know tht..
i don give much cause im afraid of losing..
so im listening to my heart...

benefit kills the morals of anyone..

well ermm..recently was in pangkor with my buddies..
sure there is a lot of pictures..
there was tons of fun..
and ermm..a lot of happy moments..
u know this is the real 1st time i head out on my own with my fren to someplace where technology isnt at its cutting edge and computers werent famous yet..
i think i kinda manage to keep myself and uphold my manners while i was in some other people's place..
we went cycling to having time in the sea and beach..
although thy werent any pretty girls to gaze at but the view itself took away the breathe of mine..
gorgeous...
its was peaceful there..
we could gamble and sit on motorcycle's without the police interfering..
we set off as a gang to eat with reasonable prices tht u couldnt have found it in kl..
things were so much different from the city..
u could just sit back relax and have a laugh with ur frens...
life like this just make things so quite..
but truely money was really a factor to enjoyment..
every part of the world was about the green notes..
anyways..im gonna updated the picture in my next blog..
the ermm..pictures arent in my hands yet..

so back to my topic..
ive always told myself tht frens cannot be fully depend on..
well,it has proven itself once again..
nobody can survive with keep losing..
nobody dislike benefits..
even from one fren to another fren.
its the benefits tht count..
disagree??..
let me list..
if ure fren is ugly and lame..
if a person is handicap
if a person is just disturbing
if ure fren is rather retard..

do u think tht u dont mind??..
or would rather choose those of

popular rich handsome pretty tall muscular the wise..
people lose their moral to achieve these stuff..
but i sincerely feel tht its not worth it..
in fact if anyone were to tell this to my face..
i feel tht im a disgrace to the human being..
we arent any different from the looks to the inner organ..
u think tht brad pitt or britney has beautiful organ or blue bloods..
no..we are all red..
so why lose our morals to these shit stuff??..
it aint important..
what is important is the heart..
i dont know and i rather be fooled with treating a person with a sincere heart rather thn a faking heart..
u know tht it hurts to be holding a double edged sword with a fren,nvr knowing whn it will stab u back..

men's magazine..

its been a few days since my last post AGAIN..
well,as u all do notice tht the big examination is over and most people are half way out of their mind celebrating while im stuck with medication instead..
true..ive been sick for a few days...
i had this viral infection which is situated in my throat..
basically its swelling up and its giving a severe headache..
in addition to some body ache and ermm..flu..
i was even told tht i was suspected for DENGGI..
lol..

i dont mind being sick bcoze u can sleep all day and no one blames u..
but its the medicine tht sucks..
i vomitted yesterday morning due to consuming the pills with an empty stomach..
doctor said tht my immune system was down due to examination stress
well..today is the third day im on medication..
and im feeling much better..
even went for basketball today..

talking bout today's basketball..
totally humiliating..
i was kinda pissed again..
it wasnt my teammates fault to blame but its the mouth and words tht was like a blade stab onto ur chest..
i really let it get off my chest here..
there's this guy and i been fren for quite some time..
as a matter of fact its been almost 4 years since ive known him..
thought i pretty am sure im not the type of fren whom is suitable to mix with him but i do treat him as a brother and i do pretty much look upon him..
he is tall and dark and he is always like a someone to chase up to in bball..
but he is a very funny weirdo..
i do not wish to describe his bad things but he likes to tease me..
as much as he thinks tht im an immature person and doesnt respect my decisions..
i still do not get pissed at him..
however i can say today he kinda said something i didnt really liked..
actually i really didnt appreciate his words at all..
we were in a game for like a few rounds already and i know we all are tired..
he was busy shooting the 3 pointers showing off as usual..
everyone is tired..
even me..
and he suddenly slams the words down..
'DO U WANA PLAY OR NOT??'
IF U DOWAN THN U GET OUT OF THE COURT'..

dont u think i dowan to give it my best if he gets all the ball and shoots all the ball??.
hell cares if it enters or not..
im not the tallesst or the strongest..
how do u expect to shine if he is getting all the ball??.
basically its rude of him to say so..
secondly,why blame me tht i dont wan to play??..
i was a free man but he insist of shooting the ball..
what can i do??.
show him a middle finger??..

im not angry bcoze he shoots all the ball..
im angry coze he takes me for granted..
i do not like being teased at whn we are in a inappropriate situation like this morning..
u know..it sounds like ure the big show,hell yeah everybody focus on u..
and whn he doesnt enter..find me,slap the shit out of me for not helping him to enter the ball..
it frus me..
i do not want to reply him with anything since he thinks he is right..
i mean everybody has their own story to tell..
if i tell it out at then he might find other people to support him and tease me again..
sometimes he is too arrogant..
sometimes he thinks he is the show..
its all bout him..
but u know sometimes it just aint...
ur good and there is no doubt bout it..
but u aint the only fish in the whole pond..
some mayb do have stronger attraction of pattern..
it just boreds me tht he does things tht is all bout him..

oh well..regarding my topic..
men's magazine..
hell yeah..there's a lot of information in this books..
i can tell u tht its basically the best thing tht u can give something to a guy..
from exercise to food qualities to tackling and understanding girls...
sex to comfort,safety,ermm..so much to describe bout the book..
i seriously find it interesting to read..
who knew tofu could lead to losing memories for men in the age of fifties??..
and sperm produciton denatured whn sit on a hot chair??..
wow..
the best thing is tht this book teaches u what dad wouldnt like to teach u..
oh well..basically im used up my time and its time for me to rest again..
till then..

why this move whn u know it shouldnt be done..

i cannot stand something thtz been in my chest for too long..
i gotta find a way to let it all out..
and i tend to share it with people,frens,parents or anyone tht seem close to me..

ever have self doubt whether who u r siding is in a wrong position??..
whatcha next move??..
i spend 3 hours alone thinking bout this question..
i couldnt gave me a good answer but at least i came up with something..
i said to myself,change sides..
let the cards play itself..
but thn i think again..
what happens if the card u flip was a better thn the one u used to side??..
another mistake pops up??..

u know,its like a maze with one start and a few dead end..
how do u know tht ur choice is the right one??..
how determine are u??..

i cannot bare myself to take the blame coze im afraid tht it might hurt someone or many ones..
i erm..couldnt stand the thought of everyone pointing their fingers at me..

even sometimes u couldnt possibly execute the right move just becoze its not the right time..
yeah..i mean we are born to be unperfect but which is the right decision??..
how can predict tht it might go wrong but somehow u still go for it??
why wanna take the wrong foot and fall??
why wanna be in pain whn u could have hold on and dont move..
aikz..somehow i still cannot answer myself..

i suck managing my own stuff..

I have a facebook and friendster account..
I have a closet full of my clothes,messed up..
I have tones of books which are ready to meet the dump...
I have tones of discs waiting for me to reinsert them into their own personal slots...

so much stuff to do yet i love spending time on the computer and the ps3..
i rather spend time doing things which are not necessary..
but i do find my messy closet look like a boy's closet..
im a teenager with the testerone in my body..whatcha think??..

oh yeah..few events occur since the last time i posted my blog..
firstly was SPM examinations are over..
ive conquer them well but not well enough..
2nd,were to be my time spend at times square with my school buddies..
we went there early in the morning to greenbox..
had a hell of time singing high pitched songs..
sry i screamed at the mic..
though it was ears piercing but nvm..once in a life time experience...
thn we head to the cinema for the movie twilight..
ok,here's what the movie isnt nice..
for me..its rather too slow..too not interesting and it was rather cutted..
i mean the background music made the show so predictable and the scenes were just cut too much..
u know whn they cut it..
i am so so bored if aint for spending time with my frens...
i made hell of a noise inside the cinema..
love it or hate it..
thn,we head forth the gasoline restaurant in times square..
i can tell u tht the service there is very very bad..
we were in there for like 10 minutes still the table wasnt cleaned and there is no one to take our order down..
after so,we left..
we headed for the kfc..
and thn slower we disperse...
quite amusing though tht i love a picture tht was taken by cheah...
















can u read the signs??..
its a couple dresscode..
oh brother zhen yao..love the t-shirt ur wearing...
suits me so much..haha..

love me or love things??..why what and how come??..

relationship require both party..
so at our age,we're are often so naive ,so immature, so eager to know more bout love..
or mayb even throwing the dice and betting our luck to see what its like to be in a relationship with someone..
nowadays u cant put a relationship tht it requires a male and female..
its absurd tht even same sexes can be in a relastionship..
no offence but this has been once a very uncomfortable issue for me..
so ive basically manage to be in a relationship twice and for me,its complicated.,
i ermm..couldnt say there wasnt any happy memories or sad memories because there is..
actually after in a relationship i starting back as a single,i tend to think more before going the flow or ride again..
i tend to think its the looks,body or labels,things,possesion or money or attitude tht matters to a person who wants to be in a relationship..
and some say without money u cant have happiness coze the world is about money..
cars,clothes,shoes,acceseries,even the cinema tickets and food are all about money..
however i mean u can still live without those and come to the point of looks body and attitude..
does the looks of one is important to another person or the figure of the body matters??..
what kind of attitude would be appropriate in a relationship..
so many questions without answer..
so i start to find them starting by asking myself..
i care bout looks..
i care bout body..
i mind about attitude..
i also love to have money..
but am i looking for the same person who have the same desire as i am??.
or am i to find someone who is contra against my thoughts..
based on my knowledge,sometiems finding someone tht doesnt seems to suit u,suits u!..
i mean there is the joy of ermm..playing and disagrement and u know the ups and down..
so love me or love things??.
if love me,why??..
love things,what??..
and how come im afraid to be in a relationship..
i become less social.
tend to be more self reliant..
and even sometimes i feel kinda alone is better..
so needless i am confessing tht my preious relationship has broken my confident to start a new one..
but i all im good at failing relastionships makes even tend to more careful to move on..
so why what and how come in order to start a realstionship??..

what u dont ask me to do...

see its basically respect when u ask a guy for his help..
u dont wanna fool him with ur tiny winy stuff..
cause it will and definitely will be a volcano erupt..

today..i woke at home..
i tried to study but i didnt want to..
so i waited till afternoon..
till my fren call me out for bball..
to know tht i went there to not find the person whom called me there,but
as well as i play for 5 to 10 minutes of lame ass ball..
here's the thing..
if u call someone to meet u,make bloody hell sure u will be there before him..
do not ask me to hurried my ass out and to find tht ur not there..
it pisses me..
i am not ur subordinate..
i do not take orders from u assholes..
2nd,when u ask someone to meet u make sure its important and it goes on for a certain period of time..
i do not wanna grab my stuff and rush out of the house to be home 10 minutes later..
im not ur standby doggy..
i do not come to u when u snap ur fingers..
3rd,when u ask me to come,make sure u wanna chat with me and its not because ure bored and phone me to come out to waste time with u..
u have important stuff to do,WELL SO DO I..
4th,when u done something wrong in a group of fren,hell no u should start pointing fingers at whom to blame..
i'll swear to god if u aint close with me i will punch ur bloody teeth out..
i make sure u remember to start pointing at urself before u point at others..
5th,after a mistake do not ask me to forgive u if u do not know ur mistake..
damn hell no u do not learn from ur mistake and u ask me to forgive u..what the hell is tht for??..
6th,here to be clear,i am a fren not ur fucking pussy dog...
i have my own personal stuff to do also..
unless u got a reason to hang out,then might as well u go to hell cause i dont wanna waste time around anyone tht doesnt wanna be with me..
its not ur duty to call me as ur fren..
its a bond and chemistry tht makes u wanna call me as fren..
so ive made my point and i dont ask u guys to say sry to me cause there is no necessary to tht..
like i told everyone,i have a temper but i always keep it low..
i suck at managing my temper..
if u insist to piss me thn go ahead and try me..
this doesnt mean im a show off..
this shows tht u need to respect me as much i respect u..
dont overgo the line..u might just draw the last one...

a fren??..who??

frens..can anyone define what's a fren for??..
i truely dont look on this word as a important thing in life..
i can dare to say this tht i dont believe in frens..
i made up my mind was bcoze i did get betrayed before so why trust again??.
it was hard enough to be betrayed and to get over it..
truely the incident took place a long time ago but till now it has a big influence on me..
i know its not everyone tht u cant trust but neither does everyone can be trust..
but all these years,ive always wanted a friend neither guy or gal tht truely understands me..
thy will rang me up to just chew to fat on the phone for 1 or 2 hours..
i dont like the assumption ppl make..
true to the fact tht 1st impression is important but it doesn count in how u judge a person..
just bcoze i look rough and weird it doesnt meant im somebody tht is so..
u dont know me so dont judge me..
ppl who do so are just so rash in decision..
high or low ppl deserve u to respect so why look down upon them??..
aint it unfair??
i understand tht even a coin has two side..
u dont know which u will get whn u flip them..
as for me..i truely dont matter which side i get..
its bcoze i equally place everyone the same in my heart thn only i will judge u..
yeah..it might sound fake but i think so..
i dont like being judge by appearance..
judge me by who i am not who i look like..
so what if i look so greatly handsome but im a deaf towrads other's feelings??..
will u admire me after u got hurt by me??..
i havent this person tht will enable me trust again..
so im searching more..
but i detest ppl being cocky..
no ppl is way too high or down too low..
all ppl are equal with their rights..
and dont blame for not talking to u..
its a choice for someone to choose to be a fren with u or not..
but let it be tht ive judge u and ive seen through u tht ur not a good person..
thn only will i no talk to u..
so be someone who is daring to judge and not be shy by other weakness...
so understand me better...

carls junior..

thralalala...everytime i study i always have the mood to blog..
coze it gives a opportunity to escape..
haha..
so u see today dad and i went to pavilion again to purchase the 2nd controller for ps3..
we thn had lunch at carls junior..
boy,can i tell how big the burger was..
mcdonald's big mac aint no where near the size of the burger there..
plus it super delicious and the fries are even more worth eating as it taste so fresh..
u know whats best in this shop,its got free refill like burger king..
even here thy have appetizers for u to have before meals..
i love pickles..
thy are nice to chew...















see my hand holding it..it aint even close for u to think the size of it..
its even delicious to eat...















the fries were awesome..
hot and not salty..
thick and not mouth drying..
its truely a delight to have it...


thn later,we went to plaza low yat to purchase memory cards for my sis phone and mum's phone..
funny story behind..
ever know the biggest secret to be a good sales girl??..
haha..i so cannot believe tht me and dad felt for this sales girl trick..
u see,dad went to the this shop to ask for the prices of the memory card..
dad ask how much was the price for both 2gb and 4 gb..
she said the 2gb was around 30++ and the other was 85 itself...
i find her very weird..
she was talking in a chickhen voice and it sounded to me like she was faking it..
plus,she kept smiling..
here's where u get very imaginative of the girl's look..
she isnt tht pretty but she is kinda sweet smile girl with a great body(im sry tht i observe)
thn dad request for her to open the box..
and she complain to my dad bout her fingernails tht also broke due to opening the box..
not long after tht dad said 150 for both cards..
thn whats her trick?..
we went up another floor and check the price for the 4 gb..
it was 65 only!!..
see,a couples of smiles and great lies of a women can make men spend their money so blindly?..
i mean for me its so normal but for my father,an old fox felt for the same trick too...
dad was frustrated for a while but to think back,we both laughed..
dad even came up with 'jit lun,nxt time u must check the prices before buying...'

thn came to home..
as usual..sleep , think, play, thn dinner..
thn come the annoying one,my sis..
can u blame someone if u did wrong at 1st??..
see,let me list the few things why i dont one to talk to my sister..
she is the eldest and yet the most arrogant one..
she always advise me to be more like a gentlemen,dont count on everything u do for someone..
she always tease me and look down on me..
she always say to dont do this and dont do tht..
she always complains bout my anger..
u see how much i put in mind of what she said to me??..
2 nights before,she was using the computer which was located in my room till 2 a.m..
if the comp was in her room,i could only stayed till 9 p.m..
later thn tht she would be shouting at me and telling me tht im abusing my rights
thn yesterday night,while i turn to stretch my back..
we accidentally bump into each other and she scold me 'crazy!!'..
is tht so necessary eventhough we're not talking to each other??..
and tonight was even more pissing me off,i was studying as the spm examination is drawing near..
i waited till everyone was asleep thn i started studying and as she comes home she turns on the tv and started watching show like nobody business..
its hard to concentrate whn ure turning on programmes like csi,dr house,nxt top model,music channels,and whose lines is it anyways..
if i were to do tht to her,she would be banging her door,telling her fren how an idiot brother i am..
huh..call me childlish thn what bout her??..
i know im the hot tempered guy in the family but tht doesnt make me wrong in everything i do..
huh...sometimes i wonder,if she could faced herself and ask,does the things she said to me ever had she meant it or was it me taking it too seriously..
oh well...its getting real late.....good night people...

take ur sweet time...

i really miss being loved,being with someone so unknown,so unpredictable,so much conflict,the smiles,the kisses,the sad times,and most of all the feeling of being taken care of..
for those who are single like me,i bet some of u do miss these tender feeling huh??..
yea..and those can only possibly imagine this feeling..
ive always struggle whether to choose the best among the all..
but to know tht now its not who i choose but to slice a double edged sword,tht ppl dont choose me..
i thought tht everytime i fall,i could just get up and u know mayb go on with life..
but to realise tht its more than that..
if u fall and there are cuts,u dont leave them..
u give them medicine,antiseptic,tender love for tht very wound to heal..
to give it time for the pain to ease..
but because of an itchy hand u scratch it and tht leaves a scar..
and everytime u look back at the scar u think back..
u tend to be sad for tht moment for everything tht had happen..
how come such bad decision were made??..
u just keep telling urself if i can go back in time..
if i could just alter the past,things might turn out better..
its true tht i barely known her..
its true i made a decision tht hurt her and me..
it was a very hasty decision and a selfish decision..
i let my ego had my mind filled with silly thoughts..
i thought if i kept myself feeling guilty tht might just make up for everything ive done...
but now to look back,isnt it a path tht was drawn so clearly tht its time to wake up..
no point of doing anything to change the past because somethings nvr do change..
its true tht im still in love with her..
so i wanted to tell her so much...
"take ur sweet time,im gonna be here when u change ur mind,take ur sweet time'..
i do not tend to bother her because loving someone is not to care for every step thy take,,
but to believe in their choices..
i realise tht im a jerk but hey,give a jerk a chance to learn to not be a jerk..
i wouldnt call my waiting for her as punishment but i would rather named it "a chance"..
a chance for me to realise tht no point in feeling guilty,no point in blaming urself,if there is fate thn let god decide who is best for who..
without her giving me the cold shoulder i could nvr learn to think more further..
to improvise what ive done and to sit down and think..
could say tht she was really giving my life a hard time but as much as it is,these feelings are so hard to get rid off just because so..
she once asked me why do i love her whn we barely known each other??
well..i guess the answer is here...
for all tht she didnt done and she done was the only reason left tht i love her from thn till now..
took me sometime to figure out and to decipher this reason..
i really wish she would see my blog someday but as thin as ice,she wouldnt..
life is so unpredictable,i dunno how long can i wait..
i mean she's got a boy but i dunno how deep are thy..
put it in a nut shell,let fate decide who is best for who...
putting up a fight isnt gonna make things better right??..
im so free and i dont think im sad over the things ive done wrong..
thx to her ive learn so much.....

take ur sweet time as life is unexpectable

hey hey..today ive got the mood to blog..
the day is sooooo boring..
nth to do..
im just enjoying memorizing the moral values and its definition..
gave me so much time to keep thinking for myself..
i kept thinking of my nxt move for my life..
am i to improve it to just stay put in life..
am i to be wondering in the past over some unsettle things..
i finally got the guts to face myself in the mirror and tell myself tht i know its my mistakes and i try to move on..
i said 'god will show his path but whatever flows into our path let me have the courage to face it and overcome it with calmness with maturity'..
thn its like it keeps hitting me back tht i look back at my parents..
i wonder if thy ever felt tired taking care at us..
dont thy represent god themselves??..
thy take care of us even thy faced their own troubles..
but we are so selfish tht we keep bother them with our minor problems..
am i so sure tht i can repay for all thy've done for me??..
as to giving thought to this statment,suddenly life is so much more worth living for..
its like suffering is gone because its something ive done for someone i appreciate and love..
its no lie tht i do argue with them and there are so much conflict among us..
but we walk through every matter together as a family because its a born bond tht ties us tightly tht friends will nvr come between this bond and tht why we are family...

haha..suddenly it sounds like an essay already..
im so worried for my big examination..
im so lazy but i wanna score high..
i hate laziness and look what its doing to me..
i really hope i can wake up from this dying plague..
its spreading so vast to everyone...
but the cure is only between the soul and the mind to coporate..
ive gotta try hard to change my life..
mayb to aim for the better life is my aim today..
im so full of myself..
all i ever write here is about myself..
does it boreds u guys??..
if u do thn u can refuse to read it,i really dont mind..
im so done explaining myself for the thing i do..
i only wan myself..
and i holding my moto..self praise is the best praise..
do things for myself and for my own satisfaction..
its not selfish and self-minded but who shall i satisfy other thn myself and my family??...
well..hold ur breather till the next blog cause its time for me to go..
c ya guys and gals..god bless...

does techno shake u??..yes for me..

today was not the best but quite something to talk bout..
like the usual saturday i went to play bball..
less people and was quite boring..
i had to agree tht age is really catching up to me and i dont have the time to condition myself for anything..
im losing my grip and im just being lazy..
there is no inspiration and no desire to be stronger..
ever felt tht competition is not necessary??..
but without it u nvr go no where..
so i truely am losing my touch with my sense..
i truely madly love basketball but i dunno how..
ok moving..after bball went for breakfast thn went home...
hao yu later came to my hse to fetch me out to drink ah kit..
thn we waited for kelvin(stupid guy),come out only start to tease me..
bored with him..
thn we waited for ka hoe and jun yang to go to kelvin's hse to watch ghost clips..
thn i felt asleep..
not scary also!!...
the only thing creepy bout it was tht i was sleeping in some other guy's bed and not mines..
thn i went home after tht..
was very tired but dad ask me to watch the movie wanted with him..
wow...the movie is gross but nice..
imagine a bending bullet..
nice...
actually something tht ive realise tht i find it nice too..
i want to study all time...
im moodless towrads girls..
i wan to spend time with my frens and alone..
i just wanna concentrate on myself..
i dont feel the necessary for another person in my life..
although its kinda lonely but i like the feel of being independent without caring for somone else..
emm..mayb im just not qualified to love someone..
or its just a test for me to learn how to love myself at 1st...
i still hesitate about my maturity and bout my ability to make the right decision..
im still afraid to say the wrong things even among my frens..
oh well..i guess ill take my time..
well...i guess ill stop here...didnt have much time on this post..
i try to spend more on the nxt one..

daddy lil's boy..

wow wow..ppl..how the heck are u are doing??
today is a wow day with dad..
there is happiness,shocked,disgust,jealous,sleepy,daring(its not in order) moments..
lets start of with sleepy..
ok..see when i woke up i turn on the comp..
i had a few rounds of offline dota..
ermm..basically it was boring cause i lose..
thn thn after tht dad came in to use the comp and kicked me to the main hall..
so,thn i watch CSI miami..
it was as usual HORATIO's cocky attitude..
thn came the part of sleepy...
dad wanted to continue his show so i went up to sleep again..
i was so tired and fatigue due to yesterday's long run day..
so i slept for like an hour thn dad woke me up and told me whether if i wan to go to sg wang..
so bla keep it short i wan to sg wang..
we went there to disc..
we went there and we saw lots of ppl but the shocking part is after we receive tht there were police forces nearby,in a blink of an eye,everybody was gone..
wow...now thts eye fascinatiing..
so nxt we headed to low yat plaza to buy speakers!!..
comp speakers actually..
the 1st shop we're in,almost 4 to 5 speakers were on..
so we asked if we could listen to one..
but the promoter say tht we were being nuts..
how in effiecient he was..
so we didnt like the man and we poof to another shop...
on the second shop..a malay guy introduce us to some speakers..
one of them we're awesome but it cost rm 400..
so we hestitated and did not buy..
so later came another promoter..
this time he was a chinese..
he was a smart guy..
he just introduced one speaker and $$$..














boy boy..i love this speaker!!..
bam bam!!~~
















aha..rear speakers..nice..

so i love it so much cause its placed in my room..
im so glad dad bought this speaker..
im can so chill out with it..
i love it..
this was the part of the happiness today..
thn later we went to ts and later to pavilion's harvey norman..
u can really see the difference in standard of wearing among thse few places..
some dress up like wow and some will be like eww and even those tht make man 'omfg' its a slip...
so basically the best was of course pavilion..there was u know some standard..
coming down was ts,nth extraordinary but those normal 'lala girls'...
the next and the bottom will be sg wang..
the way the dress is officially superb..
i will comment on ugly due to my taste for fashion isnt so good..
but im positive to know whats eye-sore
and what makes me jealous??..
couples..
u can really beauty and the beast!!..
what a waste..
so back to pavilion..
we search for a sony shop..
guess what did dad bought??















muahahahahahahaha!!!...
joy!!
hahahahaha...

dad!!!!...hahah..
nola...i dont love him for the gifts he bought he us but this is one of the the 1million reason i do love him sometimes..
haha....
sooooo...ppl..i gotta go,,its time for me to keep enjoying...hehe..
tata for now...

not such a good day..saturday-25/10

well,ermm..okay..lets start with its not such a good day..
today really really sucked..
i felt tht i wasnt appreciated by my frens today..
as much as this kinda ruin the mood but i wish to express it here..
because u know,thts what a blog is for..
i really wanna know..
feeling left out is something so usual but why do we tend to think so much bout it..
who are ur true frens??.
i know i study in my school but i mix with another school..
my frens are all in the other school..
at 1st,i really really thought i was found..
found by some good frens tht would lead me to joy..
however today prove tht my thoughts were wrong..
i know im not the kinda of mature person or yet the person tht hits with every joke...
but being ignored and being so left out...
whats the point of being frens if so??..
i dont hope to desert myself from them but it seem meaningless..
they ask me to help them and i think i nvr held back with everything i could in my power..
in a u-turn,i felt tht the way i help is a mandatory..
i kept silent and kept thinking..
im a human..
i am not mend to help anyone but only my own desires..
if i were to help u,u are consider lucky because i didnt hope for anything back..
but nvr shall one is born to help anyone..
make this clear tht i have anger and my pride is something u dont wanna challenge..
i not clarifying tht thy are not worthy to be my frens but all i wan is a understanding fren tht nvr makes me felt left out and not only finds me when they need my help..
oh well..i guess tht sucks..
as to move to lead on to my unhappiness..
is tht im single and i like someone whom i know i nvr can get back,keeping silently without a sound..
it gives me the frustration..
i know i not such a good guy but why ppl can turn against their feelings..
dont tht really makes u unhappy..
to know tht doing this will u make u happy but because of one mistake,u rather turn down all chances and chose the path tht u are certain tht ur unhappy..
wow..life is like strangling at the neck with every decision u make..
the consequences are u to suffer..
said who does life is made easy??..
i really wish to find someone tht loves me as much as i love her..
mayb ppl look at me as im very random loving someone..
but feel me whn all i ever love was ppl who kept on hurting me..
i know it sucks but i learn to move on from one to another..
though it mayb quick but this shows how undying my spirit is..
once i fall i stand again..
is tht something someone should take notice and claiming tht i change too fast??..
nvr make urself unhappy but to take notice of good things tht will make urself happy..
this advice was given from one of my frens..
i can give everything for one girl but can she??.
who is tht very person im looking for??..
why is it such a long path finding one??..
im so eager,thrist and sometimes desperate for the answer..
mayb thts why im such a rush in to find tht person..
but blame me for making the wrong decision..
however dont blame me for making the decision as i only wanted someone who loves me...
oh well...guess life goes on..
my moto for now..
see ya and god bless..

why are teenagers so desperate??..

There is always something bout teenagers..
something to make such a commotion about..
but how do we even know we are classified as teenagers??
we often see people put -im depressed-i love pain-its the end of the world-i wanna kill myself-there is no meaning of life-i rather stab myself-nobody loves me-parents misunderstands me-damn our lives- etc etc...
i mean come on lah as if we have even learn anything bout life yet...
even for adults who work and are under the stress dont surrender to the decision of commiting suicides..
hurting urself because u think ure facing the whole world by urself is such a fool's talk..
we arent even learning how to earn money yet..
its such a nuisance to kill urself..
its very dramatic for the first time u hear..
but its getting lamer and lamer by everytime someone says it..
i do admit myself of having the thought of killing myself sometimes but i dont expect ppl to sympathize me bcoze its a lame and freaking dumb decision..
it gives me a feeling tht u need the attention and ur putting on a show so tht every dumbass tht is hypnotize by ur monkey show will give u the satisfaction of comforting u..
is tht such a necessary??...
do we need to tell the world tht we are incompetence of living a happy life and we are bout to commit suicide??..
i dunno for u guys but this is how i feel..
i really hope i do get some ppl to understand my point here..
we are born with choices..
u choose to be happy or sad..
its not bout how people affects u but its the matter of how u wanna judge and make a decision..
no one is suffering from too much pain or stress tht is unbearable..
so why do all these -imma gonna die soon due to he/she hurting me-
its painful to have someone u love to leave u..
but its not the end of the world..
so much more there is thn love..
i feel tht we are born for greater meaning thn love itself..
what bout accomplishing big deals and being a great contributter to the human society??..
what bout tht??
u spend ur time on helping others and not wasting ur time blaming urself and being depress over such small matters...
wow..i think im going to crap a lot..
haha..well..im out of words..
so peace out people..god bless and live happily..

lame lame lame day day day

so how's life today with u guys??.
today again i went to balakong to play with my schoolmates and another one of my fren..
it was boring but we did had some laughter anyways..
what made this day boring??.
studies!!..
for the very 1st time tht im ever gonna say tht studies influence me..
i sooooooooo wanted to study but i sooooooo dowan to study meanwhile..
i can open the thick history book and just stare..
i can open my biology notes and glance..
i can open my chemistry exercise book and shout..
i just wanna sleep..
i mean spm aint far and its just down the road..
crap shit if i dont study now..
i feel like im useless and an ignorant fool..
but i need some pressure..
some competition..
ive always fight in my life no matter through whatever shit crap ive face..
but ive had no challenge this time..
will i suffocate and drown to this mere examination of my life or find source of oxygen just laying there for me gasp for it??..
will i succeed like i always do or fail to pick up even a fight??..
well..tht makes this day lame plus bored..
i can sit all day to think but not sit all day to study!!..
ignorant is truely a bliss!!!...

lame lame lame day day day

whats life without joy and cheerness??..

hey hey..guys and gals..long time tht i did went blogging..
i kinda miss it and i hope u guys and gals do miss it too..
bless all tht is viewing my blog..
so lets start by talking back where i last stop..
hmm..i guess she did make herself felt happy anyway..
i ask her some questions which she frankly answered me.
duhh..dont have to think twice cause it does sucks..
the way someone rejected u,imagine the pain??..
haha..but i guess i took it damn cool..
i told her tht i was smiling..
but i wonder,does she knows why i smile??..
i should speak it out before putting it back into my past..
the reason??..simple..
smiling at myself for being a fool to not choose her then but to regret now..
awww..guess tht sucks..
she left me like a half man half lost soul..
gee...guess tht really does suck..
ok..over bout girls..talk bout today..
see..today me and brothers(gang of very close and good friends) went to balakong to play basketball..
i was so tired the night before but i couldnt sleep..
wasnt worried bout waking up but the matter was tht i receive a call from my master(taekwondo) telling me tht he is gonna bring me for audition for a comercial..
wow..imagine me on tv,damn how to sleep after receiving such news??..
however,i was awaken by dad at 6 in the morning..
he said time to go school already..and i roll around before telling tht i self declare holiday..
hahaha..
f.y.i school sucks...
thn we breached the court at 8 and settle to get a game started..
it was fun i guess..
opponents didnt came too strong and bascially we ruled..
there was nice teamworks and passing..thx brothers..i enjoyed myself..
soooo...thn when we were about to leave,came this bloody midget who thinks tht he was too good for us,entered the game we were playing in..
he gave us tht frustrating look trying to tell us tht if u come at me im gonna spank u..
guess what happen next??..
he was defeated without entering any balls AT ALL..
loser!!...haha
even after the games we werent very heart satisfying as because he was too darn cocky and whats with the attitude??..
come on,its just a game..
so thn,i rushed home because i thought i was late for the audition..
bloody mother god,was i in a rush hour..i was running,taking the express bath..eating without chewing(a bit of chewing lah)..
AND JUST TO FIND OUT THT THE AUDITION IS TOMORROW!!..
DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!!!!...
huhhhh...damn tired..what a day..
ahaha..well okay..its here for now..
chat with all u rockers of life nxt time..

she made it worse..

hey hey..sry for the late update bout my blog..so sry tht i kept u guys waiting..
today today today is so not a good day for me..
i brought my handphone to school and got taken away by teacher..
i know some might say deserve u right but hear me say before u condemn me the death penalty..
i brought my phone to contact my parents whether thy are to fetch me from home or they dont have too..
yeah some might say 1)use the public phone=its NVR functional when u need them
2)go home and or go to ur frens house thn make the phone call=if i had thought so u think i would bring my phone and pay 50 bucks to get back my damn phone???....plus i wanna inform my dad whether to pick me up before he makes a decision to leave work early??..

so i really dont like the idea of paying 50 bucks just to get back the phone..
if u are ought to take it away and charge STUDENTS 50 might as well u ask them to get strip naked to pay for the bloody price..
this is very lunatic act for the school to do so..
it practically corruption..
its like we're going into a bank to get rob...and robbers are teachers..
shit..students are fools without them..
damn man..

so back to my title..i went like a mad bull and walk all the way to jusco furiously and i was very very pissed..i tired to control myself using the same method as i always do PUNCH WALLS!!!but it didnt help me anyway...so i went to my hosuing area to meet up with my frens to have a drink..
and there she was..sitting at a table right in front of me with her mum and sister...
i was blank and i was caught by suprise and i said hi..
her face was like (oh my god its him again!!,ill just look away)..
after so much and plus her reaction to tht..
now thts what i called adding salt into injury..
it sucks!!!!..
i thought mayb she could say hello and just continue with her life.
so after the flames in me was add on with crude oil..it was blastly like a bomb...
i was really angry this time so i went walking in big steps..
i meet my fren and i started to scold my fren...
thn whn i realise tht she was unhappy ,the bloody flames in me turn iced cold..
damn man..what kind concept in this..
u tell me...
i just wanna be friends with her and it tht so hard??..whats wrong having someone liking u as ur fren??.
its not like im gonna send her message or beg on the floor asking her to be my girl??.
its so unpredictable of her..
oh girll....just what is on ur mind at tht very moment??..
cant u understand i just wanna have a nice chat with u??..
by ur reaction i felt pain in my heart...and anger drove me out blindly...huhhh...
god have mercy on my mere poverty powerless soul and stop playing my life..
give me see the chances to go on this life although the falls are deep and wounds are innerly done...
girl i believe the damage done to u wasnt as bad as ive done to u..
so willingly am i to be blindly hurted by u..
to go on..i saw on tv bout victoria's secret bout sexy..
boy oh boy ... do i like the lips part..
they say for a guy to look sexy is to shut up and dont do say anything..
i was like facing the mirror and ask myself=sexy??..
hahaha..oh well i dont have thick lips so it doesnt kill...
hahaha....i wish to have lips like dane cook..=he's got jessica alba's attention..
yeah..im kinda like OH MY GOD ITS JESSICA ALBA...she is a major hottie...
but then she is a mother to a son i think...well god bless her....
so i guess this is it...my eyes are killing and its beginning to put on weights...
tata for now..take care ppl..outta here..

today i miss u more thn ever??...

tralalala...today was kind of good..
wasnt tht bad..
playing bball was quite tiring...
woke up at 7 this morning,was kinda blur...
get out of the house at 7.30...
reached the court but none of my friends arrive..and i was kinda bored there..
but thn after thewy come came the fun part..shoot and shoot..pass and pass..alley-oops...
wow...tiring...just like 2 weeks didnt play tht im oredi grasping for air..
haha..consider myself not fit..
so after as usual went for breakfast/lunch and then went for a chit chat with chee hou..
bloody fella with his usual topic..
had to make me remember about her..
damn it man..
so i was thinking of her all day...thn my phone rang her up..
she answered but i didnt say anything..
i really wanted to ask her can we start of being frens and how is she nowadays...
hah...but usual me..took back one step and shut the conversation..
i know im useless and tht fat fella chee hou has to remind me of tht statement..
actually what is on her mind anyways??..
just like the song by archuleta...
do you think of me??..
awww...sucks tht i nvr know...haha
so later on we went to play bball again but plus this girl..
so i was fooled by them..
teasing me and the girl and the pathetic me just tag along..
haha..i know im childish but u know the best part??..
nobody can do a damn bout it..
but the more thy tease the more i think of her..
i dowan her to be off my mind..
god help me...
haha..
thn later as we approach the canteen i slip and fell..
it kind hurt though..
and a small cut in finger...what lah..
haha...
so later i went home..i msg her..
damn...couldnt resist??.
i miss her a lot..
wuuuu...
the msg contains my good luck for her exams..
and thn she did reply anyways..
same thing..
my god..happy me for tht instand moment..
thn i slept..was too tired...oh well...maths..i will do my very best to not lose to her..but i hope she do her best to beat me..
i wan her to be competitive..ahahaha..
i just miss her so much..can i chat to u someday??..can we really be together mah??..
oh well..i know the chances are slimmer thn slim..
but i hope my sincerity will make her understand she wasnt loved by me for fun..
=.=..right u guys dont wanna know right..haha..
so i guess i will end now....

tired day..

wow.today was supremely a tired day..
i went to school to sit for the english paper..
it wasnt tht tough but i had no time to write finish my 2nd essay..
i breached the 2nd page and was going on to my 3rd paper but time was up..
oh well...guess too much chef spoils the soup..
i wonder how did she do??..its gonna be maths exam and i hope she will strive her best to get the best results...
oh yeah..back to my topic..
so after the exams me and my buddies went to kim gary in jusco to have our lunch..
boy oh boy..i order a prok chop and it wasnt anything special..but it turn out okay anyway..
so we had a long chat among ourselves...i had so much to talk about but i didnt talk much bout her..
i guess she was always on my mind but ihad to kept strong though..
so after tht we went home..i went to my frens hse..
at there i view profiles,watch youtube,listen to songs..and hey i listen to this great song sang by david archuleta..
i read the lyrics and i so wanted to present to her the song..
i dunno but the songs i heard on tv and radio just so seem to be on my side...
i really wan to tell her how much i felt for her and its all written in the song..
but unfortunately,she will not care bout me..
she will nvr know tht im just blindly waiting..
love can make a man blind...
aww...darn im going against my topic againn..
apology...
so i stood a the comp for 2 hours...
my bump was already aching and its going square...
and later thn at 7 i had 3 hours of tuiton..
my bump looks like a frying pan..=.=..
i miss her so much.....
can anyone tell me how to send her the song?...david archuleta-crush..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
haha...well...its 12 and i should get to bed..
ttfn(tata for now)...

tired day..

examination...

tomorrow will be our bi paper..
today was our bm paper..
i was straining my brains out for this bm paper..
i dunno how bad did i did but i sure hope i can survive..
life is gonna hard during this period..
but somewhere in the bottom of my heart,i miss her so much..
i kept praying tht she'll be blessed for her exams..
oh well..i guess she wont know did she...
so as i flip through the script of the examination i was thinking and thinking of ideas..
but everytime i took a deep breathe i think of her..
i just keep telling myself..in order for her to be happy why dont u concentrate on ur exam..
suffering as it is..i still go on..
i wonder how much pressure can i take..
i will try my very best effort to get her back and score well in my examination..
but still too bad she ignores my effort..
haha...its like an open wound was splashed with salt..
yet i still wanna smile..
haha..dad bought mum a new phone today...
mum smiled but i wasnt impressed by the phone as it was just ordinary....
it wasnt eye attractive but i think mum should be happy..
anyways for those out there sitting for their exam..do accept my apologise(i think its spelled this way) for not wishing u all..
tata...gotta study for now..
wish her good luck and u all best of luck...

examination...

she is gone...

hey all...how's everybody doing??..
so here's to say bout my title..
guess she is gone..
darn man..she really did hurt me damn badly...
i use to smile to frens no matter in what position i am in but it seem she stole tht smile away...
i guess im just a body who lost its soul..
i sms her the other day..
i wanted to talk to her as we had not chat in a few days..
so i send to her saying tht she mayb too busy or just im boring to chat with..
i quickly ended the conversation as i knew she was hurting badly the other side..
i knew the reasons to why she did not sms me or she was always busy..
its already hard for her to face me plus with contact now it must be driving her nuts..
i know tht im the cause of her pain..i just thought mayb hanging on or clinging on might just get me one last chance..
so after tht day on friday(the day i sent the sms),the next day she replied to me and told me to not waste time on her..she said its unworthy..
so i told her...whats worthy or not ,its up to me to decide..she can dont care bout me but she cant stop me from liking her..
my reply included tht i would nvr bother her again..
for one moment i thought mayb if i just cut off our communication it might hurt her less..
i really thought at then if she is begging me to let her go,it might have took her a lot of pain to reach there...
so i did what she asked..i said i wouldnt bother her as so she would have a happier or merrier life..
but is she??..
when i came to think tht she is crying for a nuisane who she claims the term 'boyfriend' ...
i just kinda feel tht im very frustrated..
i mean why in hell cry for someone who doesnt even care bout u??..
whn u know its hurting enough thn u dont wanna let go??..
what is on her mind??..
yet i can feel how much pain she is in..
i really wanna tell her..whats worthy?
to cry for someone who dont care for u is worthy??..
and a guy who tries to give u everything is unworthy??..
i held my phone to my palms..
thn i slapped myself..
i said to myself..darn,im so selfish..
how could not know tht she is already sad tht her bf doesnt care much..
i shouldnt have add slat into the wound..
so i lay down my phone and kept it away from me..
but thn i kinda lost the happiness in me..
i was moodless..i went to school and i just couldnt help but to think of her..
but i try to be tough..i still put on smile..
i watch comedy movies just to cheer myself up...
but what i really wan now is....HOW IS SHE DOING??IS SHE SAD??..WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HER BF DOESNT TALK TO HER AGAIN??..
well i guess its over...
she is gone...
but down this endless road..mayb i will still wait but i wouldnt wanna tell her..
haha...everytime i say ill wait,i feel like a fool..
how many times u wait for a girl tht the girl will really choose u back??..
so now i will try my best to go on with life..
still everytime i pray tht she will be happy..she will smile..and she could get all the happiness in the world..
i hope she nvr get sad..i hope she will get a good life..i pray she gets good results..
i just keep praying...
let god hear my prayers...
but thy shall never know as thy shall nvr read this blog...(thy not=thy,thy means she)....
so im holding back my tears and ill wait...

stupid me..

hey all of u out there..how's life??..
aha..tell u something stupid i did today..
i did not go to school today..
i was chatting with my frens tht today i will go to their school to play basketball..
at 1st i was just going there for the sake of going..
but thn whn my fren says tht she is also having her sports lesson nearby the basketball court,i was pretty damn excited...i couldnt sleep at night and i was kinda happy...
till this morning whn i reach the gate of my frens school,the discipline teacher did not allow me to enter..
i was sad and quite dissapointed tht i didnt get to see her..
actually i really wanted to rush in and talk to her but somehow i didnt..
however god did do smth good to me..she pass by...
i dont know if she saw me but i was happy tht i get to see her..
but it was just a mere spilt second of her face..
thn i went home with dissapointment..
soon i got a call from my budd..we went out to have a drink..and there she was,eating with her sister and mum...
wow...i really felt good thn..like it was so fixed..i wanted to say hi but i did not wan her to be confuse so i didnt..
i when to have a drink like i did mention bout it..
so as we finish out drinks ,we started walking back to the school..
there she was again on the road with her sister waiting for her mother's car...
so i went to poke the 100 plus tin she was drinking and smiled to her..
quite shy in a way..i bet she felt awkward too..
thn i stayed at my frens house to have a chit chat..
and then came the bad news...
i was told by my frens tht she went to her musci lesson to see her boy.
at the moment i was told i was kinda down..but to think back and look at her picture which was her smiling..i told myself..okay...as long as she is happy..
stupid right??..
i mean this is really what goes around comes around..
but the blame is on me..
i sure hope god will put all her unlucky things onto me and pray tht she is lucky and happy always..
i dowan to see her or read her blog tht she cried..
i dowan to her to feel the pain..
i rather have myself take it...
haha..sometimes i do laugh at myself..
why am i so naive and hpoing tht one day she'll come and pick me as her bf..
but i just dowan to give up..
well just as to say as long as she is happy..
i can wait.....hehe...

family..

So,here comes another at school..
its was nth special however just wanna write in here..
as just to share..
so,i was going to school,mother threw her temper at(as usual) early in the morning..
i was kinda angry back at her but thn i just dont wan to make things worse..i really am very bored of my own family..
whatever happen in the family,they are always pointing fingers at me..
truely thy dont know tht this is the main reason im angry at home..
eveybody makes mistake,yet somehow u gotta give them a chance to change for the better good..
i know sometimes i myself could be quite ignorant but what if i think im right??..
shouting at me telling me tht thy are my parents and thy do not do the wrong decision for me..
well to me,it doesnt matter whether its wrong or right,i do what i feel right..
let me learn from my mistakes and not point me to the way they want..
its not freedom i request from but its the understanding i need from them..
truely i call this my ego..
come on,im the elder son,let me have some pride in doing my stuff..
nobody likes their stuff being nose picked in..
its annoying yet disturbing..
i really wanna get out of my hse..
its truely like hell..
well,still i nvr wan to do so as i didnt want to hurt my parents..
is it so hard for parents to understand their own son??..
im a human and im not someone who can take fingers pointing at my face..
it really does stuck up to my neck...
dad always thinks he buys me stuff and thts what makes him a great dad..
but whn comes to an argument daddy is always a buyer..
mum is always looking out for my mistakes..yeah she pays and scolds for my own good but its getting over..
given an example,if i got a gf,mum will running around the whole neighbourhood telling tht im naive and having an irresponsible life because i dont know what im doing myself,however whn my smaller bro has a gf,she just nods her head..where is the justice in this??..so she is telling i should nvr get married and be single till the day she finally opens her big eyes...sucks..
sister is always the boss around..i truely hated her once..everytime i see her now makes me even sick of her..she is the eldest but she has no sense of responsibility..i as the 2nd son is always there to side her and support her..she on the other hand always thinks she can do whatever she wans..
last but not least my lil brother...can anyone tell me which elder brother does not loves his smaller brother..yeah he is smart but genius are always lack of the effort...so whats wrong in pushing him to go for studies instead of games??..if i got his brains i would study my ass up to get a remarkable result..yet he chooses DOTA and gf over his own brother's advice...whats worse of him,he treats his family like frens but treats his frens like family..soon he'll learn tht his sorts of frens are just crap trying to corrupt him...
im tired of looking out for them..can i just walk away from them??..
dad is always not in the best health..sooner i as the eldest will have to take care of the family..
im just afraid i cant do tht..
thts why im always trying my very best to be the best out of myself..
not for myself but for my family..
but thy look at it as im being selfish..
huhhh...i tried explaining myself..
i tried and tried...ending up more miserable moments..
well.i think i should just go on without caring bout them...
thts the least i can do to protect my feelings...

School today..

Tuition 2/9/2008

Hey,how's everybody doing??..
hope its all a fine day..
wanna share with ya all smth..
im down and depress..
ive always made choices i regret..
like just today,i went for tuition..
at first i went home,i was super tired,both legs were cramping ,not allowing me to walk even properly..
i was like a big fat duck..
oh yeah,u dont wanna know what to my leg..
thn i didnt wanted to go tuition..
my legs are injured and all im thinking of is her..
i was afraid she might not wanna see me coze i just confess to her yesterday??..
although she has her bf,i still hold on..
so,i was kinda scared tht i might confuse her more..i was busy thinking while sewing back my bag which snap into two this morning..
i was busy thinking till i forgot what the time it was...
somehow whn i look out my house i wonder,if i went there she runs,what am i to do??..
i dont wan the person whom i love runs away from me..
thinking and thinking..suddenly the thunders roar among the skies..
without hesitation i grab my bag and ran for tuition..
i was jerking my legs off,ignoring the pain because i really wanted to see her..
as i reach there,THERE SHE WAS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME..
i swear to god she saw me but she ignored me..kinda felt like my heart was hammered till a million pieces..
so i didnt say hito her,i went to pay my fees...then came she again..walking near me but was paying for the 2 chocolate sticks..for a second there i thought mayb she wanted to say hi..thn again im invisible..i really wanted to slap myself..y come to tuiton to make her unhappy??..
damn man,my fault..
but eventually i did say hi to her..she smile but it was fake..saw it through her eyes..
damn again..i wondered how much does it take for a person to just hid their feelings??..
damn man,damn!!..
i wanted to run off..i didnt wan to see her in tht situation..
whats worse..i tried walking normally in front of her..i tried so hard i was sweating,my heart was beeping..
so whats the point of me going for tuition anymore??..
in god's name,show me a sign,tell me what to do??..
am i to stop tuition so tht she would be free??.
or am i to hold on and see her so??..i wanna love her but i love her by she being happy...
now i keep thinking if i could really hold my feelings down and show her tht im just being myself..
well..i know she wouldnt care much..theme for the day -tuition today.....

my words for u...

girls,ur like sunshine..with u around i tend to be merrier..
without u,im down depressed..
i know its hard to give me another chance but like i told u,im willing to wait..
even the slimmest chance i shall and will hold on becoze i dont wanna lose u again..
i was foolish,stupid and dumb...
but let me show u how much u mean to me now..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i dont wanna walk outside knowing i can nvr bang to u..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i dont wan u to suffer!!...
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i wan to contact u..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i need to know ur safety..
girl!!!u mean so much to me in life...
i read ur blog..i cannot understand why u still wan him??..
u deserve so much better,
i gave u my promise and i die doing so..
without u around is really a little bit more than i can stand..
yp....i wanna know whats on ur mind,whether ur happy or not,are u hungry,are u feeling stressful,are u nervous,are u feeling well...
all these question keep rumbling in my head..
but i know i cant nvr compare to his msg..
i understand y u dont sms me..
i understand why u dont talk to me..
but give a bit light,give me just one hope for me to breathe girl...
ur like the knife in my hand..its u tht kills me...
im half the man i am since the day i met u..
how could u ever stay on my mind always while i nvr knew tht ive fallen for u..
most of all,y did u give up on me??..
if u were to read this what would u feel??..my hearts is killing coze i only wanna tell u all these..
yp,i really do love u,cant u see??..cant u feel it??..
i read ur blog,u said u cried,do u know how much it hurts my heart??..
i nvr said it out in front of my frens coze thy dont realise how much u meant to me..
i sat down in one corner,i keep blaming myself,i could have given u so much more...
hah...its okay..i will love u always...reminding me how much of a beauty u are...