she made it worse..

hey hey..sry for the late update bout my blog..so sry tht i kept u guys waiting..
today today today is so not a good day for me..
i brought my handphone to school and got taken away by teacher..
i know some might say deserve u right but hear me say before u condemn me the death penalty..
i brought my phone to contact my parents whether thy are to fetch me from home or they dont have too..
yeah some might say 1)use the public phone=its NVR functional when u need them
2)go home and or go to ur frens house thn make the phone call=if i had thought so u think i would bring my phone and pay 50 bucks to get back my damn phone???....plus i wanna inform my dad whether to pick me up before he makes a decision to leave work early??..

so i really dont like the idea of paying 50 bucks just to get back the phone..
if u are ought to take it away and charge STUDENTS 50 might as well u ask them to get strip naked to pay for the bloody price..
this is very lunatic act for the school to do so..
it practically corruption..
its like we're going into a bank to get rob...and robbers are teachers..
shit..students are fools without them..
damn man..

so back to my title..i went like a mad bull and walk all the way to jusco furiously and i was very very pissed..i tired to control myself using the same method as i always do PUNCH WALLS!!!but it didnt help me anyway...so i went to my hosuing area to meet up with my frens to have a drink..
and there she was..sitting at a table right in front of me with her mum and sister...
i was blank and i was caught by suprise and i said hi..
her face was like (oh my god its him again!!,ill just look away)..
after so much and plus her reaction to tht..
now thts what i called adding salt into injury..
it sucks!!!!..
i thought mayb she could say hello and just continue with her life.
so after the flames in me was add on with crude oil..it was blastly like a bomb...
i was really angry this time so i went walking in big steps..
i meet my fren and i started to scold my fren...
thn whn i realise tht she was unhappy ,the bloody flames in me turn iced cold..
damn man..what kind concept in this..
u tell me...
i just wanna be friends with her and it tht so hard??..whats wrong having someone liking u as ur fren??.
its not like im gonna send her message or beg on the floor asking her to be my girl??.
its so unpredictable of her..
oh girll....just what is on ur mind at tht very moment??..
cant u understand i just wanna have a nice chat with u??..
by ur reaction i felt pain in my heart...and anger drove me out blindly...huhhh...
god have mercy on my mere poverty powerless soul and stop playing my life..
give me see the chances to go on this life although the falls are deep and wounds are innerly done...
girl i believe the damage done to u wasnt as bad as ive done to u..
so willingly am i to be blindly hurted by u..
to go on..i saw on tv bout victoria's secret bout sexy..
boy oh boy ... do i like the lips part..
they say for a guy to look sexy is to shut up and dont do say anything..
i was like facing the mirror and ask myself=sexy??..
hahaha..oh well i dont have thick lips so it doesnt kill...
hahaha....i wish to have lips like dane cook..=he's got jessica alba's attention..
yeah..im kinda like OH MY GOD ITS JESSICA ALBA...she is a major hottie...
but then she is a mother to a son i think...well god bless her....
so i guess this is it...my eyes are killing and its beginning to put on weights...
tata for now..take care ppl..outta here..

today i miss u more thn ever??...

tralalala...today was kind of good..
wasnt tht bad..
playing bball was quite tiring...
woke up at 7 this morning,was kinda blur...
get out of the house at 7.30...
reached the court but none of my friends arrive..and i was kinda bored there..
but thn after thewy come came the fun part..shoot and shoot..pass and pass..alley-oops...
wow...tiring...just like 2 weeks didnt play tht im oredi grasping for air..
haha..consider myself not fit..
so after as usual went for breakfast/lunch and then went for a chit chat with chee hou..
bloody fella with his usual topic..
had to make me remember about her..
damn it man..
so i was thinking of her all day...thn my phone rang her up..
she answered but i didnt say anything..
i really wanted to ask her can we start of being frens and how is she nowadays...
hah...but usual me..took back one step and shut the conversation..
i know im useless and tht fat fella chee hou has to remind me of tht statement..
actually what is on her mind anyways??..
just like the song by archuleta...
do you think of me??..
awww...sucks tht i nvr know...haha
so later on we went to play bball again but plus this girl..
so i was fooled by them..
teasing me and the girl and the pathetic me just tag along..
haha..i know im childish but u know the best part??..
nobody can do a damn bout it..
but the more thy tease the more i think of her..
i dowan her to be off my mind..
god help me...
haha..
thn later as we approach the canteen i slip and fell..
it kind hurt though..
and a small cut in finger...what lah..
haha...
so later i went home..i msg her..
damn...couldnt resist??.
i miss her a lot..
wuuuu...
the msg contains my good luck for her exams..
and thn she did reply anyways..
same thing..
my god..happy me for tht instand moment..
thn i slept..was too tired...oh well...maths..i will do my very best to not lose to her..but i hope she do her best to beat me..
i wan her to be competitive..ahahaha..
i just miss her so much..can i chat to u someday??..can we really be together mah??..
oh well..i know the chances are slimmer thn slim..
but i hope my sincerity will make her understand she wasnt loved by me for fun..
=.=..right u guys dont wanna know right..haha..
so i guess i will end now....

tired day..

wow.today was supremely a tired day..
i went to school to sit for the english paper..
it wasnt tht tough but i had no time to write finish my 2nd essay..
i breached the 2nd page and was going on to my 3rd paper but time was up..
oh well...guess too much chef spoils the soup..
i wonder how did she do??..its gonna be maths exam and i hope she will strive her best to get the best results...
oh yeah..back to my topic..
so after the exams me and my buddies went to kim gary in jusco to have our lunch..
boy oh boy..i order a prok chop and it wasnt anything special..but it turn out okay anyway..
so we had a long chat among ourselves...i had so much to talk about but i didnt talk much bout her..
i guess she was always on my mind but ihad to kept strong though..
so after tht we went home..i went to my frens hse..
at there i view profiles,watch youtube,listen to songs..and hey i listen to this great song sang by david archuleta..
i read the lyrics and i so wanted to present to her the song..
i dunno but the songs i heard on tv and radio just so seem to be on my side...
i really wan to tell her how much i felt for her and its all written in the song..
but unfortunately,she will not care bout me..
she will nvr know tht im just blindly waiting..
love can make a man blind...
aww...darn im going against my topic againn..
apology...
so i stood a the comp for 2 hours...
my bump was already aching and its going square...
and later thn at 7 i had 3 hours of tuiton..
my bump looks like a frying pan..=.=..
i miss her so much.....
can anyone tell me how to send her the song?...david archuleta-crush..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
haha...well...its 12 and i should get to bed..
ttfn(tata for now)...

tired day..

examination...

tomorrow will be our bi paper..
today was our bm paper..
i was straining my brains out for this bm paper..
i dunno how bad did i did but i sure hope i can survive..
life is gonna hard during this period..
but somewhere in the bottom of my heart,i miss her so much..
i kept praying tht she'll be blessed for her exams..
oh well..i guess she wont know did she...
so as i flip through the script of the examination i was thinking and thinking of ideas..
but everytime i took a deep breathe i think of her..
i just keep telling myself..in order for her to be happy why dont u concentrate on ur exam..
suffering as it is..i still go on..
i wonder how much pressure can i take..
i will try my very best effort to get her back and score well in my examination..
but still too bad she ignores my effort..
haha...its like an open wound was splashed with salt..
yet i still wanna smile..
haha..dad bought mum a new phone today...
mum smiled but i wasnt impressed by the phone as it was just ordinary....
it wasnt eye attractive but i think mum should be happy..
anyways for those out there sitting for their exam..do accept my apologise(i think its spelled this way) for not wishing u all..
tata...gotta study for now..
wish her good luck and u all best of luck...

examination...

she is gone...

hey all...how's everybody doing??..
so here's to say bout my title..
guess she is gone..
darn man..she really did hurt me damn badly...
i use to smile to frens no matter in what position i am in but it seem she stole tht smile away...
i guess im just a body who lost its soul..
i sms her the other day..
i wanted to talk to her as we had not chat in a few days..
so i send to her saying tht she mayb too busy or just im boring to chat with..
i quickly ended the conversation as i knew she was hurting badly the other side..
i knew the reasons to why she did not sms me or she was always busy..
its already hard for her to face me plus with contact now it must be driving her nuts..
i know tht im the cause of her pain..i just thought mayb hanging on or clinging on might just get me one last chance..
so after tht day on friday(the day i sent the sms),the next day she replied to me and told me to not waste time on her..she said its unworthy..
so i told her...whats worthy or not ,its up to me to decide..she can dont care bout me but she cant stop me from liking her..
my reply included tht i would nvr bother her again..
for one moment i thought mayb if i just cut off our communication it might hurt her less..
i really thought at then if she is begging me to let her go,it might have took her a lot of pain to reach there...
so i did what she asked..i said i wouldnt bother her as so she would have a happier or merrier life..
but is she??..
when i came to think tht she is crying for a nuisane who she claims the term 'boyfriend' ...
i just kinda feel tht im very frustrated..
i mean why in hell cry for someone who doesnt even care bout u??..
whn u know its hurting enough thn u dont wanna let go??..
what is on her mind??..
yet i can feel how much pain she is in..
i really wanna tell her..whats worthy?
to cry for someone who dont care for u is worthy??..
and a guy who tries to give u everything is unworthy??..
i held my phone to my palms..
thn i slapped myself..
i said to myself..darn,im so selfish..
how could not know tht she is already sad tht her bf doesnt care much..
i shouldnt have add slat into the wound..
so i lay down my phone and kept it away from me..
but thn i kinda lost the happiness in me..
i was moodless..i went to school and i just couldnt help but to think of her..
but i try to be tough..i still put on smile..
i watch comedy movies just to cheer myself up...
but what i really wan now is....HOW IS SHE DOING??IS SHE SAD??..WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HER BF DOESNT TALK TO HER AGAIN??..
well i guess its over...
she is gone...
but down this endless road..mayb i will still wait but i wouldnt wanna tell her..
haha...everytime i say ill wait,i feel like a fool..
how many times u wait for a girl tht the girl will really choose u back??..
so now i will try my best to go on with life..
still everytime i pray tht she will be happy..she will smile..and she could get all the happiness in the world..
i hope she nvr get sad..i hope she will get a good life..i pray she gets good results..
i just keep praying...
let god hear my prayers...
but thy shall never know as thy shall nvr read this blog...(thy not=thy,thy means she)....
so im holding back my tears and ill wait...

stupid me..

hey all of u out there..how's life??..
aha..tell u something stupid i did today..
i did not go to school today..
i was chatting with my frens tht today i will go to their school to play basketball..
at 1st i was just going there for the sake of going..
but thn whn my fren says tht she is also having her sports lesson nearby the basketball court,i was pretty damn excited...i couldnt sleep at night and i was kinda happy...
till this morning whn i reach the gate of my frens school,the discipline teacher did not allow me to enter..
i was sad and quite dissapointed tht i didnt get to see her..
actually i really wanted to rush in and talk to her but somehow i didnt..
however god did do smth good to me..she pass by...
i dont know if she saw me but i was happy tht i get to see her..
but it was just a mere spilt second of her face..
thn i went home with dissapointment..
soon i got a call from my budd..we went out to have a drink..and there she was,eating with her sister and mum...
wow...i really felt good thn..like it was so fixed..i wanted to say hi but i did not wan her to be confuse so i didnt..
i when to have a drink like i did mention bout it..
so as we finish out drinks ,we started walking back to the school..
there she was again on the road with her sister waiting for her mother's car...
so i went to poke the 100 plus tin she was drinking and smiled to her..
quite shy in a way..i bet she felt awkward too..
thn i stayed at my frens house to have a chit chat..
and then came the bad news...
i was told by my frens tht she went to her musci lesson to see her boy.
at the moment i was told i was kinda down..but to think back and look at her picture which was her smiling..i told myself..okay...as long as she is happy..
stupid right??..
i mean this is really what goes around comes around..
but the blame is on me..
i sure hope god will put all her unlucky things onto me and pray tht she is lucky and happy always..
i dowan to see her or read her blog tht she cried..
i dowan to her to feel the pain..
i rather have myself take it...
haha..sometimes i do laugh at myself..
why am i so naive and hpoing tht one day she'll come and pick me as her bf..
but i just dowan to give up..
well just as to say as long as she is happy..
i can wait.....hehe...

family..

So,here comes another at school..
its was nth special however just wanna write in here..
as just to share..
so,i was going to school,mother threw her temper at(as usual) early in the morning..
i was kinda angry back at her but thn i just dont wan to make things worse..i really am very bored of my own family..
whatever happen in the family,they are always pointing fingers at me..
truely thy dont know tht this is the main reason im angry at home..
eveybody makes mistake,yet somehow u gotta give them a chance to change for the better good..
i know sometimes i myself could be quite ignorant but what if i think im right??..
shouting at me telling me tht thy are my parents and thy do not do the wrong decision for me..
well to me,it doesnt matter whether its wrong or right,i do what i feel right..
let me learn from my mistakes and not point me to the way they want..
its not freedom i request from but its the understanding i need from them..
truely i call this my ego..
come on,im the elder son,let me have some pride in doing my stuff..
nobody likes their stuff being nose picked in..
its annoying yet disturbing..
i really wanna get out of my hse..
its truely like hell..
well,still i nvr wan to do so as i didnt want to hurt my parents..
is it so hard for parents to understand their own son??..
im a human and im not someone who can take fingers pointing at my face..
it really does stuck up to my neck...
dad always thinks he buys me stuff and thts what makes him a great dad..
but whn comes to an argument daddy is always a buyer..
mum is always looking out for my mistakes..yeah she pays and scolds for my own good but its getting over..
given an example,if i got a gf,mum will running around the whole neighbourhood telling tht im naive and having an irresponsible life because i dont know what im doing myself,however whn my smaller bro has a gf,she just nods her head..where is the justice in this??..so she is telling i should nvr get married and be single till the day she finally opens her big eyes...sucks..
sister is always the boss around..i truely hated her once..everytime i see her now makes me even sick of her..she is the eldest but she has no sense of responsibility..i as the 2nd son is always there to side her and support her..she on the other hand always thinks she can do whatever she wans..
last but not least my lil brother...can anyone tell me which elder brother does not loves his smaller brother..yeah he is smart but genius are always lack of the effort...so whats wrong in pushing him to go for studies instead of games??..if i got his brains i would study my ass up to get a remarkable result..yet he chooses DOTA and gf over his own brother's advice...whats worse of him,he treats his family like frens but treats his frens like family..soon he'll learn tht his sorts of frens are just crap trying to corrupt him...
im tired of looking out for them..can i just walk away from them??..
dad is always not in the best health..sooner i as the eldest will have to take care of the family..
im just afraid i cant do tht..
thts why im always trying my very best to be the best out of myself..
not for myself but for my family..
but thy look at it as im being selfish..
huhhh...i tried explaining myself..
i tried and tried...ending up more miserable moments..
well.i think i should just go on without caring bout them...
thts the least i can do to protect my feelings...

School today..

Tuition 2/9/2008

Hey,how's everybody doing??..
hope its all a fine day..
wanna share with ya all smth..
im down and depress..
ive always made choices i regret..
like just today,i went for tuition..
at first i went home,i was super tired,both legs were cramping ,not allowing me to walk even properly..
i was like a big fat duck..
oh yeah,u dont wanna know what to my leg..
thn i didnt wanted to go tuition..
my legs are injured and all im thinking of is her..
i was afraid she might not wanna see me coze i just confess to her yesterday??..
although she has her bf,i still hold on..
so,i was kinda scared tht i might confuse her more..i was busy thinking while sewing back my bag which snap into two this morning..
i was busy thinking till i forgot what the time it was...
somehow whn i look out my house i wonder,if i went there she runs,what am i to do??..
i dont wan the person whom i love runs away from me..
thinking and thinking..suddenly the thunders roar among the skies..
without hesitation i grab my bag and ran for tuition..
i was jerking my legs off,ignoring the pain because i really wanted to see her..
as i reach there,THERE SHE WAS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME..
i swear to god she saw me but she ignored me..kinda felt like my heart was hammered till a million pieces..
so i didnt say hito her,i went to pay my fees...then came she again..walking near me but was paying for the 2 chocolate sticks..for a second there i thought mayb she wanted to say hi..thn again im invisible..i really wanted to slap myself..y come to tuiton to make her unhappy??..
damn man,my fault..
but eventually i did say hi to her..she smile but it was fake..saw it through her eyes..
damn again..i wondered how much does it take for a person to just hid their feelings??..
damn man,damn!!..
i wanted to run off..i didnt wan to see her in tht situation..
whats worse..i tried walking normally in front of her..i tried so hard i was sweating,my heart was beeping..
so whats the point of me going for tuition anymore??..
in god's name,show me a sign,tell me what to do??..
am i to stop tuition so tht she would be free??.
or am i to hold on and see her so??..i wanna love her but i love her by she being happy...
now i keep thinking if i could really hold my feelings down and show her tht im just being myself..
well..i know she wouldnt care much..theme for the day -tuition today.....

my words for u...

girls,ur like sunshine..with u around i tend to be merrier..
without u,im down depressed..
i know its hard to give me another chance but like i told u,im willing to wait..
even the slimmest chance i shall and will hold on becoze i dont wanna lose u again..
i was foolish,stupid and dumb...
but let me show u how much u mean to me now..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i dont wanna walk outside knowing i can nvr bang to u..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i dont wan u to suffer!!...
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i wan to contact u..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i need to know ur safety..
girl!!!u mean so much to me in life...
i read ur blog..i cannot understand why u still wan him??..
u deserve so much better,
i gave u my promise and i die doing so..
without u around is really a little bit more than i can stand..
yp....i wanna know whats on ur mind,whether ur happy or not,are u hungry,are u feeling stressful,are u nervous,are u feeling well...
all these question keep rumbling in my head..
but i know i cant nvr compare to his msg..
i understand y u dont sms me..
i understand why u dont talk to me..
but give a bit light,give me just one hope for me to breathe girl...
ur like the knife in my hand..its u tht kills me...
im half the man i am since the day i met u..
how could u ever stay on my mind always while i nvr knew tht ive fallen for u..
most of all,y did u give up on me??..
if u were to read this what would u feel??..my hearts is killing coze i only wanna tell u all these..
yp,i really do love u,cant u see??..cant u feel it??..
i read ur blog,u said u cried,do u know how much it hurts my heart??..
i nvr said it out in front of my frens coze thy dont realise how much u meant to me..
i sat down in one corner,i keep blaming myself,i could have given u so much more...
hah...its okay..i will love u always...reminding me how much of a beauty u are...