im stuck in between a choice of my own and all the people around me

im stuck,i cant move and i cant think...
i cant relax,i got like all the time in the world and i cant make a decision..

my feelings are afraid and confuse..
i know this isnt something i should be thinking now but its like rewinding in my head over and over again..
it doesnt make me sad but it makes me stupidly thinking....

ever try to plant a seed,nuture it with all ur heart,watering it everyday,hoping it would bloom into something beautiful..
but suddenly a storm came,the wind was so strong that the leaves of the plant u cared so much,torn leaf by leaf by ur very own eyes that instantly it died...
after a series of hard time u were left with nothing..
people tease u that u werent smart enough to create a shelter for it..
u did not tend to protect that all u were trying to is make things grow out instead of fixing the obvious problem eventhough uve been told forth and back yet ure unable to realise...
months later u got another seed...
u were hoping to give it another try however due to past experience u were confuse..
the question u ask is 'should i??,whether u wan it or not??'..
and all this questions make u hesitate and put a hold to taking any action hoping time would solve the ridle for u...
yet day after another day passes by..
u still hope that time would take away the pain of yesterday and solve ur ridle..
as time flies by,the seed eventually died..
u regret..u were thinking of all the beautiful things could happen instead of death..
as one door closes another opens up,yet an other seed appears before ur very eyes for u..
however u are afraid again..
people around u were so different in opinion..
one side of the hand said that give it another try so that u will learn..
the other side of the hand said to not give it a try because u yet no learn to take care and had cause two death...
in such a big turn ure back to square one..
right at where u started..
ure stuck..

what can u all give me as an advice??..
i wanna like her and get to know her..
yet people around are so different in their opinion..
im holding back my feelings..
some people are claiming that i am being unloyal..
said that i could love a girl this moment and moments later its another one..
friends say that happiness is searched not through other's mouth..
some people said that she aint a decent girl,aint simple as i think she is..
friends say get to know her urself...judge her from what u know bout her urself..

things are not spoken unless something more or less did happen..
what am i to do??.
hurrrrrm..
stuck..and everytime im at it..i run by playing..
hoping time passby so i wont need to think of it..
but every night as i go to sleep..
the question pops!!back to square one..
i do not know if i will and can get her..
but not trying seem dumb of me..
trying would also seem foolish of me..

shall i or shall i not???..
ahhh...play dota(will lose eventually)..

not really such a happy day..

im not happy today..
now that i realise that friends arent friends..
that even among friends,we spilt up into different variety of groups just because disagreement of judgement and thought..

sometimes im left to wonder all alone if it was really a bad choice or not..
was it something i said that sound so immature??.
i thought if u treat someone good eventually they will treat u back..
but however it seems no matter how u treat that someone good,a grudge is a grudge,a scar is a scar,that they wont change their perception anymore bout u..
if they think ure immature thn u are from the start till the end of the friendship..

i feel that these people are so cold hearted and are so full of themselves..
giving people a chance and changing ur thoughts about him/her defines that ur giving urself another chance too..

i maybe foolish to not know what im saying half the time....
but i do know this that as much i am not good in words,i had nvr betray or backstab a fren whom i call him/her friend..

it takes a lot of guts to betray someone and it takes a lot of thought to say one and do another..
sometimes to think back,im really through with friendships..
if u wanna talk to me thn u talk..i dont wan to bother to ask or talk much about anything..
its this feeling of the more u talk the more mistakes u made..
having to think back i do talk too much..
i have problems shutting my mouth..
i have problems voicing unnecessary stuff..

i really should have kept my distance as even making friends is a task..
actually there is so much to talk bout friends..
i could type a million words but none can reach anyone as it really takes one to notice another..

why are we so weird??

A GIRL..
what is the first thing that passes through ur mind when u come across the word a girl..
polite,decent,pretty,demanding,pious and so on...
however nowadays it's not the same anymore..

the other day i was walking the 'pasar malam',i saw a girl who was quite nicely dress and had quite a gorgeous look..
but as i observe closely,she was holding a cigratte..
i mean its not that im a sexist that guys smoking are normal and girls shouldn't..
no,its just that WHY??...

knowing its not a healthy habit,knowing its hazardous towards urself,ur friends,and everyone else around u??
smokers are selfish...

please,reasons to smoke like releasing stress or temptation even being brave to try it are sooo nvr to why u should pick up this habit...
u wanna release stress??..
eat something nice..play..jump..shout...talk...roll around...punch..kick...chop...
so many other methods than smoking..
being brave??ur just being dumb...
temptation??..cant u control urself??..

my reaction was ok,not a good person..
i mean ur selfish,u smoke and u dont care bout health or other people around..
what if ur pregnant??ur still tempted to smoke,u cant resist,and thn poof,u smoke..
damaging and killing an innocent foetus...
because of smoking u born a mentally retarded child who was damage by the drugs in the smoke..
u make him/her hate themselves just because they were born into the world unperfectly where u can prevent all these from happening if u could resist and nvr lose to smoking..

life is cruel and sad the way u think they are...
learning how to cope and overcome ur troubles is the best way to turn out to be someone normal..

why am i so afraid of trying anymore??..

gutless and cocky was my style once...
i could say what i thought i want and do what i say..
i always told myself to talk the talk and walk the walk..

this verse taught me 2 things to bear in mind..
1 is to tell the truth at whatever situation being question..because honesty is nvr in all man's heart and the trust given by people can't be bought instead it's earned,yet lies can take all the earning away..

2 is to be true to urself about what u can do and can't do..no point in telling other people what u can dream to do..prove urself worthy is always better...

however my mum the other day told me i was being too frickle minded..
i do admit it..
i think too much...
is this the reason to why i am so afraid to try???..
it was two dissapointment for last year..
a fail relationship and a very devastating result...

i tend to think i have so much responsibility at times..
to care for this and to care for that..
some ppl whom i lived with,could live without caring bout others..
they even told me that in life,selfish is the one thing that keeps ur survival in the real world...
i agree however i cant be that selfish..
sometimes it is not bout the benefits i get from people however its that one thing i do for them to just see a smile makes my heart feel so comfortable..
living life was just more than one person..
i feel that life has to have various choices...

somehow i feel like losing isnt something i want anymore..
i wanna build a relationship with a girl which is stable and firm..
i wanna be more expose to knowledge..
i wanna be better in my languages..
i dont wanna be a weakling...
i wanna rise again so i can look up and walk again..
sometimes i feel so disgraceful just looking at my exam slip..

i feel so ashamed of myself..
i felt like i dont even stand a chance to be called an adversary in other people's eyes...
i wanna tell other people im more than just my mouth..
i will remember those who step on and laugh at my results..
its a personal vendetta..
but chillax,im not gonna kill them or what..
im just gonna put in my effort,rise again,make them change their minds bout me..

to lift myself where fallen,to pick up my guts and to strive on..
i do not want to struggle in the sand but i want to be a memory ,a image,an example...
what didnt kill me,only makes me stronger....

ns fella...

there goes again friends who are leaving..
good friends and close friends whom i wont be able to chat with for quite some time..

though part of me really felt uneasy cause 3months change alot of things,i do not wanna say goodbye or send them off..

i do not wan to see them cry or myself cry as well..
plus,goodbye are for ppl who are leaving u for good..
nope,its just three months..
but here i wish through this blog to all those whom i did not say anything or replied their msg..
good luck,have fun and take care...
hygiene must be taken first in order..

and when u do meet friends,dont forget ur old ones..
and for one special friend who has always been there for my troubles,i will wait for u to return and yes i intentionally do not want to sent u away because i will feel very sad cause i have no one to tell me troubles at..
pls pls take care of urself....

work in His mysterious ways..

spm results were out..
my results were a big disappointment...
i thought i was good enough..
however it stroke me from behind,without notice..
i was stun to look at my results..
speechless and couldn't accept my results...
reluctant to think other than that they had made a mistake..

i got a b4 for my english..

He was the one whom i ask for courage..
He was also the one who took away my courage..

at 1st i was so frustrated..
i couldn't accept the fact that its a b4..
i could ensure i wasn't that weak..
but even through twisting and turning the paper back and forth..
none of the printed words and figure change on that slip..
shame..i felt such shame in me..
it was a blow so hard that it left me in tears..

i wasn't crying for the fact i agree that i was weak..
but i cried because i've proven myself repeatedly times that i would not get such a result..
this damage is permanent..
each tear rolls down my cheek with full disappointment..
suddenly i felt that i was the laughing stock among my parent's colleague...

a person who speaks in english,talks in it,studied in it could get such a result..

i once heard a phrase,why do we fall??...so that we learn to pick ourselves up..
(i think from batman)
another one was god can setup success and so can he tear down the empire given to u..
my point is i hear them,i feel them,but this heart of mine couldn't let go..
i feel so heavy,such shame and pain..
i laugh when people ask me whats ur results like??..
i don't want sympathy..
neither i don't want advices...
i wanted time alone..

then came grandma's phone call..
she smile when i said i got only 2A...
she said it was already good enough..

all my parents could say is that i didnt give my effort...
i didnt do good enough..
at the very moment i was down,they step on me..

what i hope was tht nothing change..

all tht is running through my mine is i fail to pass the obstacle set by Him..