woot...half a year since my last post...

wow...so long since my last post...can actually say that ive forgot my password and i didnt bother bout my blog for almost a year..
so wassup people??..how's everything??.
i kinda miss chatting with someone..
as of now, i dont think i can find anyone to chat with any worries..
i dont know if it's me or is it just i dont find it simple to trust anyone anymore..

mayb its the reason why i dont have anyone to talk to right now..
i understand that im a big jerk or something like that but who wans to be so right?..
i choose to be so i will bear the responsibilities..

life just seem so meaningless nowadays..
i still cant open my heart to let go of her...
im still learning how to get back on the right track..
i still need so much guidance from someone but i cant find anyone..

college life isnt as happy as i thought it would be..
friends just aint that much of a friend..
they are so fake when it comes to their smiles.
we all know how it looks like right??.
i mean why is it so hard to just be a good friend and not a bad friend?..
i understand girls have pms and guys have tempers..
but this is not what kills a friendship right??.
and this is why the say choose wisely..
sigh...so much for a life without worries..what am i gonna be??

a man...

they say a man's shoulder bear much responsibility..
but how much can my shoulder bear??..

what is this character that i play that i played it so well till i dont know who i am myself anymore??..
i am so tired....
arent i suppose to be satisfied since i found someone that i like??
i understand that i shouldn't mixed up all the feelings together..
there is anger,confusion,disappointment and happiness..

how am i to suppress this feeling??in a moment i wanna be happy but there im afraid that i may make someone unhappy..im confused what my parents are thinking of??.i need her by myside right now but why does she run??..

this shoulder of mine suddenly just do not want to bear these responsibilities anymore..
i really feel like giving up at this time..no support from both friend wise and loveone wise...

family gathering..i understand how important this word is but asking me to throw away all other things is just not fair..
what choice is the right one??..friends family studies??...choose one among them??..why force me to answer this question??.
love me thn let me stay here and study,let me at least have a last breathe to fight to the finals..
i told u that i wanna study but that doesnt make u happy..
u see me not studying ur are also not happy..
what do u wan me to do??..i give but u dont take..what u ask is just something i just cant give..
and u say that the whole family dislike me..
answer me this,have u thought of what i feel when u say that??
am i a person without feelings or u words are just meant to hurt me that bad??..
how hard this heart of mine could bear is just by the limit...
when im angry,u say im rude..
when i nice to u all, u say things to hurt me..
what is this ??..a trick??..
im so tired...whenever is this gonna end??..
when will u see that im not just being selfish..im being protective..
i dont wanna be hurt but the more i protect the stronger ur words get..
what weight more can my shoulders bear??

Angry angry..

cannot withstand my temper..
im losing my control over my anger again..
sometimes it feels so not good to hold my temper back..

some people dont use their dumb brain to talk..
just thinking back just awfully makes u sick to the gut about the words they say..
dont in hell think that u know more than anyone or u are smarter yet cooler than anyone..
remember that u are no one to tell me how to dress and style..
just because some people afford to buy the clothes that ur eyes look nice THAT nvr ever means that i can afford..
so what if im broke??..and i dont dress cool like u think..
its my style and live with it..
i dont need ur brainless and foolish words to tell me that it's not nice..
im just entertaining ur words like im entertaining a dog..
i like what im wearing..
it makes me feel comfortable and it's enough..
yes,im not wearng anything branded or does it look cool for u..
but i LIKE IT..here,maybe a verse could give u a piece of my mind,DAMN U,MY STYLE..

and please dont tell me that im hard headed..
why in hell would u like to take any action for me??.
its my decision to make, not urs..
u got nth better to than to control my life??.
here, another verse, to HELL WITH U??...

tired,stressed out,nightmares are coming more often..
i dont even feel like talking nowadays..
so tired of having the same treatment..
u dont wan to treat me as a fren thn stop it..
im fined with it..
i can bare the truth all friends are born with lies..
dont tell me that ure there for me cause only i said that and will do it..
i may not be the best of friends but i give my heart to treat a friend..
yeah,im not amused by ur jokes and to many people im very uneducated..
i live with all these insults in my life..
in case u had no idea what i really went through,im a great actor..
i hide all my emotions away so none of u idiotic brainless fools can guess me..
DONT TELL ME U KNOW WHAT IM GONNA NEXT..
cause i know what im capable of...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH..
THIS NIGHT SEEMS SO FULL OF ANGER...
I DOWAN TO LISTEN TALK AND EVEN THINK OF WHAT A IDIOTIC PERSON SAID..
sick to the gut...

COnfession..

its 12.20 midnight and im feeling sexy..lol
i feel like i wanna dance around my house without my clothes on..
lol...
always felt like i was born for the lesser-clothes types..
but oh well,everyone thinks it's gay and crazy,so what can i do??..
find another thing which could stimulate me..

stuck up,weeeeeeeeeeee....my brain could only think of work work work,study study and study,basketball basketball more basketball..
what to do??..no money means cannot study, no studies mean i can't have a better work, and no basketball would mean im a workaholic and nerd..
but my body can't take so much work at once..
dunno what should i supply my body with to stay active for longer period of time..
eat also need money!!!!!!!

dont wanna be all that ppl said i am to be..

i really am aroused that the fact of people hate being controlled but they like controlling people..
some people like to tell other that they should do this and that..
harsh as the fact is,I'm part of them..

sometimes i wonder if i had too much fun till there is no restrictions toward my saying and action..
though it often brings unfortunate endings, i cant help but to go down that road again..
it's like I'm running from my responsibility..
am i??..hmm..
cant stop thinking bout this fact..

u know that people often say that a man can bear much responsibility on their shoulders but i guess I'm not that man most people are hoping for..
sometimes i hinder away from troubles..
I'm afraid..
I'm afraid not because i know im right,im afraid to that my action are wrong..
ppl say that im rude..
but the fact is that u dont even know me, then dont start critisizing bout me..
not one thing u understand bout where i come from and how can i stand being so rude..
if in reality check up,given a choice,would u think i wanna be rude??.
u really do feel that i love being acting so selfishly,saying words that could hurt everybody..
or maybe u dont get the point that its not the nature of me being polite..

knowing that im a rude and full of rage, i know i cant stay in a normal friendship, relationship without hurting them..
so in my position i would think that i could tell all the people in the world about my bad side, and let the people find the good side of me..
although im not much of a good person as my bad attributes over lapse my good atrributes, but its doesnt mean i dont have one..
im just living on the survivor law..what u can win, u join em..
u blend into what u cant overcome..
i can't overcome how i rude ive been,so i blend by mixing with people who are willing to accept me..

tequila night..

so today is just not the ordinary Sunday...
see today dad brought us to sky bar..
and i had what I've always wish for,TEQUILA..
haha..
i know i sound like an alcoholic but hey,everyone got his/her own interest..
don't stop me..

well,at the first sip,the tequila tasted like oh shit,so not nice..
but as your taste bud feeds on the taste,slowly it becomes an addiction..
u could feel every sip brings such excitement to ur body..
making it hot..
with sky bar's view and such dimly lighted bar,the mood is just so soothing n relaxing..
thinking back is just such a place to go back again..

but all things have two side..
now im having allergies against the high does of tequila..
im itching throughout my whole body..
some parts where they are swelled up..
thought it does bring discomfort to me but well,i guess it's all worth it..
cause i've tried something i've been longing to try...haha..

oh yeah,the name of the tequila i drank was deluxe Margarita..
ahaha...itchy itchy..haha..there are some pictures of it but im sooo lazy to update it..
haha...maybe someday later...

the world stops at this moment

its almost 1...
its dark and the sky are no longer the blue ones..
it's one of the longest moment in my life again..
yet ive done so much thinking again..
still after so much thinking and nothing have been done or said..
it's such a sad moment cause im all alone with nobody to chat with right now..
people whom i thought was my friend have become such strangers..

i lay my hand off them and i shall remember why i did it..

i am thinking if ppl see me happy would they be happy??..
is there no anger in me??..why i am feeling like im losing my touch ??..
there's this girl whom i presume i grew fond of...
she asked me to be her 'brother' which actually did make my heart ache..
but what is off this feeling??.
i dont even know if it's here to stay and last??..
i dont want to waste my time chasing ghost again..
i dont want to even give a second to think of starting one if we just have to try??.

what's it like living in a world where everybody likes u??.
and ur life is just so perfect??.
where is the life if people around u are just in disguise??..
the one thing ive always dream of,group of friends hanging having fun,the limit breakers,rule opposer..
seems such a long and bumby glance of it just itches my heart...
huh...