love comes free

sometimes i ask myself am i that irritating or is it just that people seem to dislike me..
though i cannot find the answers to my questions..
as the answer is always different for each person..

but as for the moment what calm this heart of mine is that they love me not..
its not hard to see that sometimes love could get sick of..
people say its what u do and speak that matters, so does that define that my action has always been wrong and irritating?
for all the thing ive done wrong there must be something right,right??

i dont know what made me now but for who i am , i am not satisfy..
im stuck and still finding who i am really..
why and why??..sometimes question keeps on popping and running through my head..
from friends,who really does care about what i feel??
testing who is my friends is a low move but by not testing how would you know??
some say give faith??.but is faith a false hope??
i see faces everyday that i don't even know what to say to them..
just by their looks ,i don't even know if i can trust...
they scare me but as of always im up to the challenge..
i measure and plot my words around..
is this what a friend should feel??
some people be urself and naturally friends will come up..
be myself as in how sometimes i could count more enemies than friends??..
sometimes when i think back of the innocent minds and faces being pollute by the very scum idea of many people is correct, i feel pity..
pity because they could not make a choice to stand up for what is right or wrong..
sometimes majority does not rule..
even the minor yet standing one shall shine and rise above all else...
no one is said to all right or all wrong..
i believe equilibrium in this world..
where one is wrong while he is still right and right while he is still wrong..
being reasonable isn't a daily lesson in our life..
many things are taken into consideration before are being called reasonable..

fuh,sometimes i think im too complicated..
measure and plot??.
am i too defensive??
or am i too aggressive..
but of all things i believe in love comes free...
not a single thing is more valuable than love when it comes free...
right now as of this moment, i cried out another problem that i had troubles finding way to put into words..
right now,ive one less problem and im happy about it..
and i know it sounds very emotional in here..
are my blog isn't very subjective to whom im talking about but for those who felt shall realize that they've manage to influence me so much that i can write a whole blog about them..
they are not people i hate but somehow people i care...

emo emo emo..

blast,it seems that ive really lost the mood to blog..
its boring here..
i still don't have a clue how to get a chat box and it feels like nobody cares about my blog..
feels like no reason to blog..

but then,its a responsibility since i've open an account..
so i dealing with it..

y does it seems that everyone is having more fun than i do??.
am i still stuck on the question, am i not sociable enough?..
hm..why why why..

men can never understand woman..
how far do i agree with that??..
100%..
for example everything went smooth today then suddenly after dinner mum gets pissed of at me..
special day of the month??..
can never understand woman...

come and u go as u may

months just trying so hard to be accepted by them
but frankly at this moment i don't want to try anymore..
as if anything i do will make them treat me as their friend anymore..

though ive gotta be frank that it still bitters this heart of mine..
it wasn't really bout what i do or did to think back..
it was all about them accepting me as a friend..
from conversation to sharing out secrets to hanging out at which place.
all their lies and action have leave behind a scar that deep that it hurts everytime just thinking about it.

i've understand the point that everybody have secret..
and they may choose who they shall share it with..
but sticking around as a gang that it seems that what one knows i dont know..
what are they currently feel i could not ever understand
they made us feel like two worlds apart...

i tried and tried asking myself if it was what i did but it was them all along
so come and u go as u may for this heart of mine will no longer grow fond or bitter of the absence of u friends....

it comes and it goes..does it feel like crap when it stays??

one moment i could all furious about the world being unfair to me..
another moment, i couldnt stop blaming myself fall all that ive not done well..

ahhh...wish i could sleep right now..
these eyes of mine shut and the problems pop's out..
one night i sleep early thn all comes crashing down..
=.=..sometimes i ask myself why does god create a sleeping period for human when error could occur just by sleeping early or fall asleep..

it's like MATH exam is coming up then tomolo is presentation and saturday another presentation and on saturday itself i have competition which im afraid it would clash..

to add salt to the wound, the only time that my brain could secrete endorphin for my brain to relax had been ruin because she didnt reply me in facebok and she isnt online..

suddenly all things seem to bang each other like the theory of collision..
soon im gonna a breakdown where i will throw everything aside and fall sick..
i soooo wish i could have a break where no exam are coming up..

huh.....BUT i know life aint made easy so ive gotta bring my butt up and start working like a mad cow again...
i havent been working hard for some years and have been depending on my frens to help me..
but i will pick up my butt and go to war again..
wish me lah people...

desperate

love someone u shouldnt have...
i keep on thinking if i should continue keeping the current condition with this girl..
see she is older than me, a cheerful friendly beauty nice sweet and naughty girl..
she is everything i yearn for in a girl..
from the way she chats to the way she smile and the way she acts dumb when she sees me..
everything she does is attracting me closer but it still doesn't move any closer...

she's become my obsession..
i kept telling myself that i will keep my distance so that i could pull out whenever i want..
but this other side of me keeps telling me to not let the chance of getting her..
she is the type where u lose that one chance thn its gone forever..

she's not rejecting but she is not accepting..
she chats but she's not revealing anything bout what she feels..

i feel that i can see right through her act of dumbness however im not sure of the answer myself..
i try to keep her out of my mind,try to relax but every time i close my eyes, the image of her pop's out...

have i fallen so deep??..
i doubt so but i think so..
i know that the chances are low but heck there's nothing to lose just trying...
but by trying will i ever get to pull myself out..

all this darn question keeps popping out..
she is like a princess from one side and another rocker's daughter on the other side..
how bad is she is what made her so damn attractive...

she ask questions that i need to cast my ego aside and reveal my true intention...
says who ladies are weak??..

psfff...can i ever let go??......

being brave isnt stupid and blind

Some people say 'wah, u are very brave', u must be crazy...
Then people expect that u will do any thing that seems crazy to them which eventually they will ask u do it for them..

HEAR ME SAY THIS ONCE..
i cannot stand any bullshit that goes like u are more brave and i am not brave..
its not that i am more brave and u dont have guts, its whether are u willing to throw the dice and see what number u might get..its bout whether u can lose or u cant give it up..
yes,to me things that might seem difficult is more challenging and hence i will take the risk..
in fact, at times i am reckless and hurtful..
i dont do things with thinking too much..
to me by the time u are done thinking the challenge is all over..
and no i am not stupid..risk brings a meaning that there is a probability of failing and succeeding...
and u wont know..yes,it might end up failing, but at least i tried...

i often hear people around me say i am scared so jit lun why dont u do it for me??..
or jit lun go do it for me please,u are more brave than i am...
or even, u are brave without using brains so why dont u do it..
as if im the one with brains but im not using them..

actually i get very piss off with these verses...
if u are afraid defines that u are weak but u still can do something bout it.
u can take the risk ahead, play with it..
for every stone u throw, the chance of hitting the jackpot is much closer...
u learn from every time u fail and feel glad everytime u succeed...

but if u tell me that u wanna stay weak then go ahead..
to me,people who use that verse are just synonym to rubbish...

to might actually hear someone say that they rather stay weak then take risk is just a waste of breath talking to them..
at least u do everything u can and there are no regrets of not trying hard enough..

SO FOR THE LAST TIME dont tell me u are afraid and u wont try..
i am so done and over such nonsense....
im moving on....
people think that brave people don't have feelings hence they ask whatever nonsense and say thing as they please...
let me tell u that,yes in hell we have feelings, even brave people are scared..
but we held up our guts, live up to the challenge and take risks...
that is what made us people brave and not weak...
don't get the wrong concept that brave is an inheritance because it is born within everyone's blood and it's only how one find the way to search for this braveness....