woot...half a year since my last post...

wow...so long since my last post...can actually say that ive forgot my password and i didnt bother bout my blog for almost a year..
so wassup people??..how's everything??.
i kinda miss chatting with someone..
as of now, i dont think i can find anyone to chat with any worries..
i dont know if it's me or is it just i dont find it simple to trust anyone anymore..

mayb its the reason why i dont have anyone to talk to right now..
i understand that im a big jerk or something like that but who wans to be so right?..
i choose to be so i will bear the responsibilities..

life just seem so meaningless nowadays..
i still cant open my heart to let go of her...
im still learning how to get back on the right track..
i still need so much guidance from someone but i cant find anyone..

college life isnt as happy as i thought it would be..
friends just aint that much of a friend..
they are so fake when it comes to their smiles.
we all know how it looks like right??.
i mean why is it so hard to just be a good friend and not a bad friend?..
i understand girls have pms and guys have tempers..
but this is not what kills a friendship right??.
and this is why the say choose wisely..
sigh...so much for a life without worries..what am i gonna be??

a man...

they say a man's shoulder bear much responsibility..
but how much can my shoulder bear??..

what is this character that i play that i played it so well till i dont know who i am myself anymore??..
i am so tired....
arent i suppose to be satisfied since i found someone that i like??
i understand that i shouldn't mixed up all the feelings together..
there is anger,confusion,disappointment and happiness..

how am i to suppress this feeling??in a moment i wanna be happy but there im afraid that i may make someone unhappy..im confused what my parents are thinking of??.i need her by myside right now but why does she run??..

this shoulder of mine suddenly just do not want to bear these responsibilities anymore..
i really feel like giving up at this time..no support from both friend wise and loveone wise...

family gathering..i understand how important this word is but asking me to throw away all other things is just not fair..
what choice is the right one??..friends family studies??...choose one among them??..why force me to answer this question??.
love me thn let me stay here and study,let me at least have a last breathe to fight to the finals..
i told u that i wanna study but that doesnt make u happy..
u see me not studying ur are also not happy..
what do u wan me to do??..i give but u dont take..what u ask is just something i just cant give..
and u say that the whole family dislike me..
answer me this,have u thought of what i feel when u say that??
am i a person without feelings or u words are just meant to hurt me that bad??..
how hard this heart of mine could bear is just by the limit...
when im angry,u say im rude..
when i nice to u all, u say things to hurt me..
what is this ??..a trick??..
im so tired...whenever is this gonna end??..
when will u see that im not just being selfish..im being protective..
i dont wanna be hurt but the more i protect the stronger ur words get..
what weight more can my shoulders bear??

Angry angry..

cannot withstand my temper..
im losing my control over my anger again..
sometimes it feels so not good to hold my temper back..

some people dont use their dumb brain to talk..
just thinking back just awfully makes u sick to the gut about the words they say..
dont in hell think that u know more than anyone or u are smarter yet cooler than anyone..
remember that u are no one to tell me how to dress and style..
just because some people afford to buy the clothes that ur eyes look nice THAT nvr ever means that i can afford..
so what if im broke??..and i dont dress cool like u think..
its my style and live with it..
i dont need ur brainless and foolish words to tell me that it's not nice..
im just entertaining ur words like im entertaining a dog..
i like what im wearing..
it makes me feel comfortable and it's enough..
yes,im not wearng anything branded or does it look cool for u..
but i LIKE IT..here,maybe a verse could give u a piece of my mind,DAMN U,MY STYLE..

and please dont tell me that im hard headed..
why in hell would u like to take any action for me??.
its my decision to make, not urs..
u got nth better to than to control my life??.
here, another verse, to HELL WITH U??...

tired,stressed out,nightmares are coming more often..
i dont even feel like talking nowadays..
so tired of having the same treatment..
u dont wan to treat me as a fren thn stop it..
im fined with it..
i can bare the truth all friends are born with lies..
dont tell me that ure there for me cause only i said that and will do it..
i may not be the best of friends but i give my heart to treat a friend..
yeah,im not amused by ur jokes and to many people im very uneducated..
i live with all these insults in my life..
in case u had no idea what i really went through,im a great actor..
i hide all my emotions away so none of u idiotic brainless fools can guess me..
DONT TELL ME U KNOW WHAT IM GONNA NEXT..
cause i know what im capable of...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH..
THIS NIGHT SEEMS SO FULL OF ANGER...
I DOWAN TO LISTEN TALK AND EVEN THINK OF WHAT A IDIOTIC PERSON SAID..
sick to the gut...

COnfession..

its 12.20 midnight and im feeling sexy..lol
i feel like i wanna dance around my house without my clothes on..
lol...
always felt like i was born for the lesser-clothes types..
but oh well,everyone thinks it's gay and crazy,so what can i do??..
find another thing which could stimulate me..

stuck up,weeeeeeeeeeee....my brain could only think of work work work,study study and study,basketball basketball more basketball..
what to do??..no money means cannot study, no studies mean i can't have a better work, and no basketball would mean im a workaholic and nerd..
but my body can't take so much work at once..
dunno what should i supply my body with to stay active for longer period of time..
eat also need money!!!!!!!

dont wanna be all that ppl said i am to be..

i really am aroused that the fact of people hate being controlled but they like controlling people..
some people like to tell other that they should do this and that..
harsh as the fact is,I'm part of them..

sometimes i wonder if i had too much fun till there is no restrictions toward my saying and action..
though it often brings unfortunate endings, i cant help but to go down that road again..
it's like I'm running from my responsibility..
am i??..hmm..
cant stop thinking bout this fact..

u know that people often say that a man can bear much responsibility on their shoulders but i guess I'm not that man most people are hoping for..
sometimes i hinder away from troubles..
I'm afraid..
I'm afraid not because i know im right,im afraid to that my action are wrong..
ppl say that im rude..
but the fact is that u dont even know me, then dont start critisizing bout me..
not one thing u understand bout where i come from and how can i stand being so rude..
if in reality check up,given a choice,would u think i wanna be rude??.
u really do feel that i love being acting so selfishly,saying words that could hurt everybody..
or maybe u dont get the point that its not the nature of me being polite..

knowing that im a rude and full of rage, i know i cant stay in a normal friendship, relationship without hurting them..
so in my position i would think that i could tell all the people in the world about my bad side, and let the people find the good side of me..
although im not much of a good person as my bad attributes over lapse my good atrributes, but its doesnt mean i dont have one..
im just living on the survivor law..what u can win, u join em..
u blend into what u cant overcome..
i can't overcome how i rude ive been,so i blend by mixing with people who are willing to accept me..

tequila night..

so today is just not the ordinary Sunday...
see today dad brought us to sky bar..
and i had what I've always wish for,TEQUILA..
haha..
i know i sound like an alcoholic but hey,everyone got his/her own interest..
don't stop me..

well,at the first sip,the tequila tasted like oh shit,so not nice..
but as your taste bud feeds on the taste,slowly it becomes an addiction..
u could feel every sip brings such excitement to ur body..
making it hot..
with sky bar's view and such dimly lighted bar,the mood is just so soothing n relaxing..
thinking back is just such a place to go back again..

but all things have two side..
now im having allergies against the high does of tequila..
im itching throughout my whole body..
some parts where they are swelled up..
thought it does bring discomfort to me but well,i guess it's all worth it..
cause i've tried something i've been longing to try...haha..

oh yeah,the name of the tequila i drank was deluxe Margarita..
ahaha...itchy itchy..haha..there are some pictures of it but im sooo lazy to update it..
haha...maybe someday later...

the world stops at this moment

its almost 1...
its dark and the sky are no longer the blue ones..
it's one of the longest moment in my life again..
yet ive done so much thinking again..
still after so much thinking and nothing have been done or said..
it's such a sad moment cause im all alone with nobody to chat with right now..
people whom i thought was my friend have become such strangers..

i lay my hand off them and i shall remember why i did it..

i am thinking if ppl see me happy would they be happy??..
is there no anger in me??..why i am feeling like im losing my touch ??..
there's this girl whom i presume i grew fond of...
she asked me to be her 'brother' which actually did make my heart ache..
but what is off this feeling??.
i dont even know if it's here to stay and last??..
i dont want to waste my time chasing ghost again..
i dont want to even give a second to think of starting one if we just have to try??.

what's it like living in a world where everybody likes u??.
and ur life is just so perfect??.
where is the life if people around u are just in disguise??..
the one thing ive always dream of,group of friends hanging having fun,the limit breakers,rule opposer..
seems such a long and bumby glance of it just itches my heart...
huh...

i miss mummy(jenny)

somehow somewhere in this heart, i missed her right now..
lol...spending time with her seems kinda fun or maybe because she is the first person to make me think that my life is not hard at all when it comes to other to compare..
thinking back about the topic we had in mid valley and all the junk food we ate was fun...
haha..
we have something to talk always and something said when nothing is said..
ok lah,missed it but it was all sealed within my memory as of now we are on our own busy road again..
seems like even weekends are so short.
whatever happen to live ur life??..
there's work,study,health,sports...
all do but no talk...
what's life to it??..
it's like we're bounded by shackles...
somehow i gotta find something interests me...
im finding life boring...hah...

thn what bout this feeling i have for this girl??..real??..fake??..or just a passby??..
mostly another passby i guess..
ppl who comes with a fresh feeling thn fades with time..
all seems so short to stay..
when will one come and stay??.
it is too hard to ask for one,who loves unconditonally??..
or am i still sulking and still asking who i am??
being on the road to find who u really are isnt a bright and smooth road but rather a dark road with bumby hills...
ahh,i complain too much dont i..
but if i dont,i can barely think of something to say in here...
hah,am tired already...
update soon i guess..

disguise??..

freaking people have freaking ways to threat their freaking friends..
to think that i was doing the right thing by helping a hand down just to know that its just another person in disguise..
u know there were times where u thought that this is the friend that needs your help...
u don't who is right and who is wrong..
u just want to help..
ur doing ur damn best to do something right for ur friend..

u don't care what the trouble is or what u have to lose to win this battle,all u do is just head straight because ur friend needs ur help..

in the end just to know that it was all just a gimmick that she was just desperate for attention..
im fed up,u know..
it ends that what i did for em doesn't seem to matter to them at all..
the jokes on me..
i did something which i shouldn't even bother..
ya know how depressing it feels when u got to know that ur friends were wearing a mask and u discover the truth by urself and not another friend informing u..
sick and tired of these kind of lies...
yet they turn to me and said 'we're friends'...
to hell with it...

unsociable??..

ok..first of all i do not know if this word exist = unsociable..
hah..ok bout the tittle i address for this post today is because lately ive been thinking..
ive been thinking am i not being friendly enough..

ive noticed that recently my phone hasn't been blinking or making noise which means nobody is contacting me..
have i left out my friends??..or who is my friends anyway??..

seems like everyone have their own friends to hang out,chill out, or even talk to ..
but somehow its been rather lonely these few days..
so ive been looking back and thinking..
have up been so stuck up that i dont socialize anymore??.
hmm..true to say that ive been rather keeping on a low profile...
should i go ahead and get to know some people whom i dont know??.
or should i still keep it on a low profile...

can u blame me for not being loyal??

i always hear people say that 'JIT LUN CHANGE TARGET AGAIN AH?BE LOYAL A BIT LAH'..
aha..but dont matter im over it...
well,truth is that i find it very dumb to stay loyal to someone for a long period of time..
its pointless..
to me is that it's either they love u or u don't..
u nvr get to understand love,agree?
what u will do for love is totally unpredictable..
so i usually ask myself when i wanna change my target..
short pain or long pain??
simple as it sounds,the meaning of it is pretty deep and clear..

nah..im just saying this cause it seems like my crush has a bf already..
so it means that she is my crushed crush so no point of liking her anymore..
lah..she is just so nice and yet not nice now..
reason for that is that she is still nice as i do have a bit of feeling left for her..not nice is that she is owned by another man and im happy for her..
cheers!!

oh yeah,currently working nowadays..
im working in connaught pharmacies..
oh goodie,nice job, low payment,nice knowledge and loads of fun..
been working for the 2nd day as of yesterday and today.
met nice people whom i get to click along with..

yeah,its really educating but im not really free to workout these few days..
i am so itched by just having the thought of playing bball..
miss it so badly..
fuuhh..life only looks good but nvr tasted good...
oh well tired and exhausted..time to watch cartoon!!...
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

holiday!!!

today is a freaking tired day..
not enough sleep..
woke up early..
went spastic at the basketball court..
spend like 8 hours outside..
and cut my hair..


well the best part of the day is definitely cutting my hair today by a hot hot girl..
i'll get to there..

see not enough sleep for jit lun = simply smiling for fun = spastic..
everything i said cannot be taken account for..

kinda rock today cause bball was like 20 to 30 over ppl in the court..
many people = fun = jit lun spastic with them= memalukan

the equation is to help u understand what other people are feeling bout me..

so thn after bball,as usual cc it is...
today is quite fun as nobody disturb what we wanted to play..
so yeah,fun..but sorry hon sim yen chin and adrian that i have to leave u guys alone..
i understand that u guys took the courtesy to come and find me to play bball..
but i still have the responsibility to teman my other friends too..
im so sorry..wish u guys could understand...

then after like 3 hours cc-ing, went to cut hair..

oh yeah..with brother ka hoe and sue yong and mr nice bf chen hoong, oh yeah go cut hair..
though i did like my previous hair before the cut, look so korean my god..
haha...but then now look more of the 'hey, neat hair cut or for me, its sexy!'..(DON'T ASK ME TO DEFINE WHAT IS SEXY TO ME)

but the best part is that my hair was cut by a beautiful jie jie..
haha..me and my jie jie again..
i went to the shop for more than my feet and fingers could sum up but i never know what this jie jie's name is..
well, i dunno if it's her job to ask me question but she did ask me a lot of question but i answer her with a simply 'em,ah,no yes, err,or gah'...
maybe i was shy..
but no lah..
i wasn't..
her boss was there..
how was i gonna flirt with her??..
flirt??(too strong of a word)...
well, jit lun right..
then went to makan at lm..
then went home and eat dinner!!..
full till i feel funny...
well its ok for the day..
but i am damn exhausted...
i can barely lift my leg straight and wave goodbye with my leg...

love comes free

sometimes i ask myself am i that irritating or is it just that people seem to dislike me..
though i cannot find the answers to my questions..
as the answer is always different for each person..

but as for the moment what calm this heart of mine is that they love me not..
its not hard to see that sometimes love could get sick of..
people say its what u do and speak that matters, so does that define that my action has always been wrong and irritating?
for all the thing ive done wrong there must be something right,right??

i dont know what made me now but for who i am , i am not satisfy..
im stuck and still finding who i am really..
why and why??..sometimes question keeps on popping and running through my head..
from friends,who really does care about what i feel??
testing who is my friends is a low move but by not testing how would you know??
some say give faith??.but is faith a false hope??
i see faces everyday that i don't even know what to say to them..
just by their looks ,i don't even know if i can trust...
they scare me but as of always im up to the challenge..
i measure and plot my words around..
is this what a friend should feel??
some people be urself and naturally friends will come up..
be myself as in how sometimes i could count more enemies than friends??..
sometimes when i think back of the innocent minds and faces being pollute by the very scum idea of many people is correct, i feel pity..
pity because they could not make a choice to stand up for what is right or wrong..
sometimes majority does not rule..
even the minor yet standing one shall shine and rise above all else...
no one is said to all right or all wrong..
i believe equilibrium in this world..
where one is wrong while he is still right and right while he is still wrong..
being reasonable isn't a daily lesson in our life..
many things are taken into consideration before are being called reasonable..

fuh,sometimes i think im too complicated..
measure and plot??.
am i too defensive??
or am i too aggressive..
but of all things i believe in love comes free...
not a single thing is more valuable than love when it comes free...
right now as of this moment, i cried out another problem that i had troubles finding way to put into words..
right now,ive one less problem and im happy about it..
and i know it sounds very emotional in here..
are my blog isn't very subjective to whom im talking about but for those who felt shall realize that they've manage to influence me so much that i can write a whole blog about them..
they are not people i hate but somehow people i care...

emo emo emo..

blast,it seems that ive really lost the mood to blog..
its boring here..
i still don't have a clue how to get a chat box and it feels like nobody cares about my blog..
feels like no reason to blog..

but then,its a responsibility since i've open an account..
so i dealing with it..

y does it seems that everyone is having more fun than i do??.
am i still stuck on the question, am i not sociable enough?..
hm..why why why..

men can never understand woman..
how far do i agree with that??..
100%..
for example everything went smooth today then suddenly after dinner mum gets pissed of at me..
special day of the month??..
can never understand woman...

come and u go as u may

months just trying so hard to be accepted by them
but frankly at this moment i don't want to try anymore..
as if anything i do will make them treat me as their friend anymore..

though ive gotta be frank that it still bitters this heart of mine..
it wasn't really bout what i do or did to think back..
it was all about them accepting me as a friend..
from conversation to sharing out secrets to hanging out at which place.
all their lies and action have leave behind a scar that deep that it hurts everytime just thinking about it.

i've understand the point that everybody have secret..
and they may choose who they shall share it with..
but sticking around as a gang that it seems that what one knows i dont know..
what are they currently feel i could not ever understand
they made us feel like two worlds apart...

i tried and tried asking myself if it was what i did but it was them all along
so come and u go as u may for this heart of mine will no longer grow fond or bitter of the absence of u friends....

it comes and it goes..does it feel like crap when it stays??

one moment i could all furious about the world being unfair to me..
another moment, i couldnt stop blaming myself fall all that ive not done well..

ahhh...wish i could sleep right now..
these eyes of mine shut and the problems pop's out..
one night i sleep early thn all comes crashing down..
=.=..sometimes i ask myself why does god create a sleeping period for human when error could occur just by sleeping early or fall asleep..

it's like MATH exam is coming up then tomolo is presentation and saturday another presentation and on saturday itself i have competition which im afraid it would clash..

to add salt to the wound, the only time that my brain could secrete endorphin for my brain to relax had been ruin because she didnt reply me in facebok and she isnt online..

suddenly all things seem to bang each other like the theory of collision..
soon im gonna a breakdown where i will throw everything aside and fall sick..
i soooo wish i could have a break where no exam are coming up..

huh.....BUT i know life aint made easy so ive gotta bring my butt up and start working like a mad cow again...
i havent been working hard for some years and have been depending on my frens to help me..
but i will pick up my butt and go to war again..
wish me lah people...

desperate

love someone u shouldnt have...
i keep on thinking if i should continue keeping the current condition with this girl..
see she is older than me, a cheerful friendly beauty nice sweet and naughty girl..
she is everything i yearn for in a girl..
from the way she chats to the way she smile and the way she acts dumb when she sees me..
everything she does is attracting me closer but it still doesn't move any closer...

she's become my obsession..
i kept telling myself that i will keep my distance so that i could pull out whenever i want..
but this other side of me keeps telling me to not let the chance of getting her..
she is the type where u lose that one chance thn its gone forever..

she's not rejecting but she is not accepting..
she chats but she's not revealing anything bout what she feels..

i feel that i can see right through her act of dumbness however im not sure of the answer myself..
i try to keep her out of my mind,try to relax but every time i close my eyes, the image of her pop's out...

have i fallen so deep??..
i doubt so but i think so..
i know that the chances are low but heck there's nothing to lose just trying...
but by trying will i ever get to pull myself out..

all this darn question keeps popping out..
she is like a princess from one side and another rocker's daughter on the other side..
how bad is she is what made her so damn attractive...

she ask questions that i need to cast my ego aside and reveal my true intention...
says who ladies are weak??..

psfff...can i ever let go??......

being brave isnt stupid and blind

Some people say 'wah, u are very brave', u must be crazy...
Then people expect that u will do any thing that seems crazy to them which eventually they will ask u do it for them..

HEAR ME SAY THIS ONCE..
i cannot stand any bullshit that goes like u are more brave and i am not brave..
its not that i am more brave and u dont have guts, its whether are u willing to throw the dice and see what number u might get..its bout whether u can lose or u cant give it up..
yes,to me things that might seem difficult is more challenging and hence i will take the risk..
in fact, at times i am reckless and hurtful..
i dont do things with thinking too much..
to me by the time u are done thinking the challenge is all over..
and no i am not stupid..risk brings a meaning that there is a probability of failing and succeeding...
and u wont know..yes,it might end up failing, but at least i tried...

i often hear people around me say i am scared so jit lun why dont u do it for me??..
or jit lun go do it for me please,u are more brave than i am...
or even, u are brave without using brains so why dont u do it..
as if im the one with brains but im not using them..

actually i get very piss off with these verses...
if u are afraid defines that u are weak but u still can do something bout it.
u can take the risk ahead, play with it..
for every stone u throw, the chance of hitting the jackpot is much closer...
u learn from every time u fail and feel glad everytime u succeed...

but if u tell me that u wanna stay weak then go ahead..
to me,people who use that verse are just synonym to rubbish...

to might actually hear someone say that they rather stay weak then take risk is just a waste of breath talking to them..
at least u do everything u can and there are no regrets of not trying hard enough..

SO FOR THE LAST TIME dont tell me u are afraid and u wont try..
i am so done and over such nonsense....
im moving on....
people think that brave people don't have feelings hence they ask whatever nonsense and say thing as they please...
let me tell u that,yes in hell we have feelings, even brave people are scared..
but we held up our guts, live up to the challenge and take risks...
that is what made us people brave and not weak...
don't get the wrong concept that brave is an inheritance because it is born within everyone's blood and it's only how one find the way to search for this braveness....

live up to it...

sometimes i know the road down is so hard and difficult..
its narrow, bending and never goes easy...

i do get lost sometimes, afraid, shiver , tremble, and fall...
but what i do know is that, everytime im down ,hurt and fallen..
someone will come and help me...pick me up..
look out for me..
while some don't...

for those who've been there for me are truely my friends and i understand how much u guys and girls care for me..
appreciate it..
but for those who didn't bother to help me..
i still treat u as who u are..
a friend..
i know that it aint easy being a friend and choosing ur friend i important..
and i also know that it is impossible for people to accept every little person in their life..

the truth is that everyone is scared that what they do will inflict pain to other people...
but to me it is that if u don't try thn u wont succeed.....
for everything ur afraid and u try, u gain a success and courage for although just a inch of improvement..
fo this is what i believe and will live up to it..