Must Be With U

woot...half a year since my last post...

2010-07-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

wow...so long since my last post...can actually say that ive forgot my password and i didnt bother bout my blog for almost a year..
so wassup people??..how's everything??.
i kinda miss chatting with someone..
as of now, i dont think i can find anyone to chat with any worries..
i dont know if it's me or is it just i dont find it simple to trust anyone anymore..

mayb its the reason why i dont have anyone to talk to right now..
i understand that im a big jerk or something like that but who wans to be so right?..
i choose to be so i will bear the responsibilities..

life just seem so meaningless nowadays..
i still cant open my heart to let go of her...
im still learning how to get back on the right track..
i still need so much guidance from someone but i cant find anyone..

college life isnt as happy as i thought it would be..
friends just aint that much of a friend..
they are so fake when it comes to their smiles.
we all know how it looks like right??.
i mean why is it so hard to just be a good friend and not a bad friend?..
i understand girls have pms and guys have tempers..
but this is not what kills a friendship right??.
and this is why the say choose wisely..
sigh...so much for a life without worries..what am i gonna be??

a man...

2009-11-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

they say a man's shoulder bear much responsibility..
but how much can my shoulder bear??..

what is this character that i play that i played it so well till i dont know who i am myself anymore??..
i am so tired....
arent i suppose to be satisfied since i found someone that i like??
i understand that i shouldn't mixed up all the feelings together..
there is anger,confusion,disappointment and happiness..

how am i to suppress this feeling??in a moment i wanna be happy but there im afraid that i may make someone unhappy..im confused what my parents are thinking of??.i need her by myside right now but why does she run??..

this shoulder of mine suddenly just do not want to bear these responsibilities anymore..
i really feel like giving up at this time..no support from both friend wise and loveone wise...

family gathering..i understand how important this word is but asking me to throw away all other things is just not fair..
what choice is the right one??..friends family studies??...choose one among them??..why force me to answer this question??.
love me thn let me stay here and study,let me at least have a last breathe to fight to the finals..
i told u that i wanna study but that doesnt make u happy..
u see me not studying ur are also not happy..
what do u wan me to do??..i give but u dont take..what u ask is just something i just cant give..
and u say that the whole family dislike me..
answer me this,have u thought of what i feel when u say that??
am i a person without feelings or u words are just meant to hurt me that bad??..
how hard this heart of mine could bear is just by the limit...
when im angry,u say im rude..
when i nice to u all, u say things to hurt me..
what is this ??..a trick??..
im so tired...whenever is this gonna end??..
when will u see that im not just being selfish..im being protective..
i dont wanna be hurt but the more i protect the stronger ur words get..
what weight more can my shoulders bear??

Angry angry..

2009-10-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

cannot withstand my temper..
im losing my control over my anger again..
sometimes it feels so not good to hold my temper back..

some people dont use their dumb brain to talk..
just thinking back just awfully makes u sick to the gut about the words they say..
dont in hell think that u know more than anyone or u are smarter yet cooler than anyone..
remember that u are no one to tell me how to dress and style..
just because some people afford to buy the clothes that ur eyes look nice THAT nvr ever means that i can afford..
so what if im broke??..and i dont dress cool like u think..
its my style and live with it..
i dont need ur brainless and foolish words to tell me that it's not nice..
im just entertaining ur words like im entertaining a dog..
i like what im wearing..
it makes me feel comfortable and it's enough..
yes,im not wearng anything branded or does it look cool for u..
but i LIKE IT..here,maybe a verse could give u a piece of my mind,DAMN U,MY STYLE..

and please dont tell me that im hard headed..
why in hell would u like to take any action for me??.
its my decision to make, not urs..
u got nth better to than to control my life??.
here, another verse, to HELL WITH U??...

tired,stressed out,nightmares are coming more often..
i dont even feel like talking nowadays..
so tired of having the same treatment..
u dont wan to treat me as a fren thn stop it..
im fined with it..
i can bare the truth all friends are born with lies..
dont tell me that ure there for me cause only i said that and will do it..
i may not be the best of friends but i give my heart to treat a friend..
yeah,im not amused by ur jokes and to many people im very uneducated..
i live with all these insults in my life..
in case u had no idea what i really went through,im a great actor..
i hide all my emotions away so none of u idiotic brainless fools can guess me..
DONT TELL ME U KNOW WHAT IM GONNA NEXT..
cause i know what im capable of...
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH..
THIS NIGHT SEEMS SO FULL OF ANGER...
I DOWAN TO LISTEN TALK AND EVEN THINK OF WHAT A IDIOTIC PERSON SAID..
sick to the gut...

COnfession..

2009-10-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

its 12.20 midnight and im feeling sexy..lol
i feel like i wanna dance around my house without my clothes on..
lol...
always felt like i was born for the lesser-clothes types..
but oh well,everyone thinks it's gay and crazy,so what can i do??..
find another thing which could stimulate me..

stuck up,weeeeeeeeeeee....my brain could only think of work work work,study study and study,basketball basketball more basketball..
what to do??..no money means cannot study, no studies mean i can't have a better work, and no basketball would mean im a workaholic and nerd..
but my body can't take so much work at once..
dunno what should i supply my body with to stay active for longer period of time..
eat also need money!!!!!!!

dont wanna be all that ppl said i am to be..

2009-10-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

i really am aroused that the fact of people hate being controlled but they like controlling people..
some people like to tell other that they should do this and that..
harsh as the fact is,I'm part of them..

sometimes i wonder if i had too much fun till there is no restrictions toward my saying and action..
though it often brings unfortunate endings, i cant help but to go down that road again..
it's like I'm running from my responsibility..
am i??..hmm..
cant stop thinking bout this fact..

u know that people often say that a man can bear much responsibility on their shoulders but i guess I'm not that man most people are hoping for..
sometimes i hinder away from troubles..
I'm afraid..
I'm afraid not because i know im right,im afraid to that my action are wrong..
ppl say that im rude..
but the fact is that u dont even know me, then dont start critisizing bout me..
not one thing u understand bout where i come from and how can i stand being so rude..
if in reality check up,given a choice,would u think i wanna be rude??.
u really do feel that i love being acting so selfishly,saying words that could hurt everybody..
or maybe u dont get the point that its not the nature of me being polite..

knowing that im a rude and full of rage, i know i cant stay in a normal friendship, relationship without hurting them..
so in my position i would think that i could tell all the people in the world about my bad side, and let the people find the good side of me..
although im not much of a good person as my bad attributes over lapse my good atrributes, but its doesnt mean i dont have one..
im just living on the survivor law..what u can win, u join em..
u blend into what u cant overcome..
i can't overcome how i rude ive been,so i blend by mixing with people who are willing to accept me..

tequila night..

2009-09-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

so today is just not the ordinary Sunday...
see today dad brought us to sky bar..
and i had what I've always wish for,TEQUILA..
haha..
i know i sound like an alcoholic but hey,everyone got his/her own interest..
don't stop me..

well,at the first sip,the tequila tasted like oh shit,so not nice..
but as your taste bud feeds on the taste,slowly it becomes an addiction..
u could feel every sip brings such excitement to ur body..
making it hot..
with sky bar's view and such dimly lighted bar,the mood is just so soothing n relaxing..
thinking back is just such a place to go back again..

but all things have two side..
now im having allergies against the high does of tequila..
im itching throughout my whole body..
some parts where they are swelled up..
thought it does bring discomfort to me but well,i guess it's all worth it..
cause i've tried something i've been longing to try...haha..

oh yeah,the name of the tequila i drank was deluxe Margarita..
ahaha...itchy itchy..haha..there are some pictures of it but im sooo lazy to update it..
haha...maybe someday later...

the world stops at this moment

2009-09-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

its almost 1...
its dark and the sky are no longer the blue ones..
it's one of the longest moment in my life again..
yet ive done so much thinking again..
still after so much thinking and nothing have been done or said..
it's such a sad moment cause im all alone with nobody to chat with right now..
people whom i thought was my friend have become such strangers..

i lay my hand off them and i shall remember why i did it..

i am thinking if ppl see me happy would they be happy??..
is there no anger in me??..why i am feeling like im losing my touch ??..
there's this girl whom i presume i grew fond of...
she asked me to be her 'brother' which actually did make my heart ache..
but what is off this feeling??.
i dont even know if it's here to stay and last??..
i dont want to waste my time chasing ghost again..
i dont want to even give a second to think of starting one if we just have to try??.

what's it like living in a world where everybody likes u??.
and ur life is just so perfect??.
where is the life if people around u are just in disguise??..
the one thing ive always dream of,group of friends hanging having fun,the limit breakers,rule opposer..
seems such a long and bumby glance of it just itches my heart...
huh...

i miss mummy(jenny)

2009-09-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

somehow somewhere in this heart, i missed her right now..
lol...spending time with her seems kinda fun or maybe because she is the first person to make me think that my life is not hard at all when it comes to other to compare..
thinking back about the topic we had in mid valley and all the junk food we ate was fun...
haha..
we have something to talk always and something said when nothing is said..
ok lah,missed it but it was all sealed within my memory as of now we are on our own busy road again..
seems like even weekends are so short.
whatever happen to live ur life??..
there's work,study,health,sports...
all do but no talk...
what's life to it??..
it's like we're bounded by shackles...
somehow i gotta find something interests me...
im finding life boring...hah...

thn what bout this feeling i have for this girl??..real??..fake??..or just a passby??..
mostly another passby i guess..
ppl who comes with a fresh feeling thn fades with time..
all seems so short to stay..
when will one come and stay??.
it is too hard to ask for one,who loves unconditonally??..
or am i still sulking and still asking who i am??
being on the road to find who u really are isnt a bright and smooth road but rather a dark road with bumby hills...
ahh,i complain too much dont i..
but if i dont,i can barely think of something to say in here...
hah,am tired already...
update soon i guess..

disguise??..

2009-09-03T03:57:00.000-07:00

freaking people have freaking ways to threat their freaking friends..
to think that i was doing the right thing by helping a hand down just to know that its just another person in disguise..
u know there were times where u thought that this is the friend that needs your help...
u don't who is right and who is wrong..
u just want to help..
ur doing ur damn best to do something right for ur friend..

u don't care what the trouble is or what u have to lose to win this battle,all u do is just head straight because ur friend needs ur help..

in the end just to know that it was all just a gimmick that she was just desperate for attention..
im fed up,u know..
it ends that what i did for em doesn't seem to matter to them at all..
the jokes on me..
i did something which i shouldn't even bother..
ya know how depressing it feels when u got to know that ur friends were wearing a mask and u discover the truth by urself and not another friend informing u..
sick and tired of these kind of lies...
yet they turn to me and said 'we're friends'...
to hell with it...

unsociable??..

2009-08-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

ok..first of all i do not know if this word exist = unsociable..
hah..ok bout the tittle i address for this post today is because lately ive been thinking..
ive been thinking am i not being friendly enough..

ive noticed that recently my phone hasn't been blinking or making noise which means nobody is contacting me..
have i left out my friends??..or who is my friends anyway??..

seems like everyone have their own friends to hang out,chill out, or even talk to ..
but somehow its been rather lonely these few days..
so ive been looking back and thinking..
have up been so stuck up that i dont socialize anymore??.
hmm..true to say that ive been rather keeping on a low profile...
should i go ahead and get to know some people whom i dont know??.
or should i still keep it on a low profile...

can u blame me for not being loyal??

2009-08-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

i always hear people say that 'JIT LUN CHANGE TARGET AGAIN AH?BE LOYAL A BIT LAH'..
aha..but dont matter im over it...
well,truth is that i find it very dumb to stay loyal to someone for a long period of time..
its pointless..
to me is that it's either they love u or u don't..
u nvr get to understand love,agree?
what u will do for love is totally unpredictable..
so i usually ask myself when i wanna change my target..
short pain or long pain??
simple as it sounds,the meaning of it is pretty deep and clear..

nah..im just saying this cause it seems like my crush has a bf already..
so it means that she is my crushed crush so no point of liking her anymore..
lah..she is just so nice and yet not nice now..
reason for that is that she is still nice as i do have a bit of feeling left for her..not nice is that she is owned by another man and im happy for her..
cheers!!

oh yeah,currently working nowadays..
im working in connaught pharmacies..
oh goodie,nice job, low payment,nice knowledge and loads of fun..
been working for the 2nd day as of yesterday and today.
met nice people whom i get to click along with..

yeah,its really educating but im not really free to workout these few days..
i am so itched by just having the thought of playing bball..
miss it so badly..
fuuhh..life only looks good but nvr tasted good...
oh well tired and exhausted..time to watch cartoon!!...
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

holiday!!!

2009-08-16T05:32:00.001-07:00

today is a freaking tired day..
not enough sleep..
woke up early..
went spastic at the basketball court..
spend like 8 hours outside..
and cut my hair..

well the best part of the day is definitely cutting my hair today by a hot hot girl..
i'll get to there..

see not enough sleep for jit lun = simply smiling for fun = spastic..
everything i said cannot be taken account for..

kinda rock today cause bball was like 20 to 30 over ppl in the court..
many people = fun = jit lun spastic with them= memalukan

the equation is to help u understand what other people are feeling bout me..

so thn after bball,as usual cc it is...
today is quite fun as nobody disturb what we wanted to play..
so yeah,fun..but sorry hon sim yen chin and adrian that i have to leave u guys alone..
i understand that u guys took the courtesy to come and find me to play bball..
but i still have the responsibility to teman my other friends too..
im so sorry..wish u guys could understand...

then after like 3 hours cc-ing, went to cut hair..

oh yeah..with brother ka hoe and sue yong and mr nice bf chen hoong, oh yeah go cut hair..
though i did like my previous hair before the cut, look so korean my god..
haha...but then now look more of the 'hey, neat hair cut or for me, its sexy!'..(DON'T ASK ME TO DEFINE WHAT IS SEXY TO ME)

but the best part is that my hair was cut by a beautiful jie jie..
haha..me and my jie jie again..
i went to the shop for more than my feet and fingers could sum up but i never know what this jie jie's name is..
well, i dunno if it's her job to ask me question but she did ask me a lot of question but i answer her with a simply 'em,ah,no yes, err,or gah'...
maybe i was shy..
but no lah..
i wasn't..
her boss was there..
how was i gonna flirt with her??..
flirt??(too strong of a word)...
well, jit lun right..
then went to makan at lm..
then went home and eat dinner!!..
full till i feel funny...
well its ok for the day..
but i am damn exhausted...
i can barely lift my leg straight and wave goodbye with my leg...

love comes free

2009-08-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

sometimes i ask myself am i that irritating or is it just that people seem to dislike me..
though i cannot find the answers to my questions..
as the answer is always different for each person..

but as for the moment what calm this heart of mine is that they love me not..
its not hard to see that sometimes love could get sick of..
people say its what u do and speak that matters, so does that define that my action has always been wrong and irritating?
for all the thing ive done wrong there must be something right,right??

i dont know what made me now but for who i am , i am not satisfy..
im stuck and still finding who i am really..
why and why??..sometimes question keeps on popping and running through my head..
from friends,who really does care about what i feel??
testing who is my friends is a low move but by not testing how would you know??
some say give faith??.but is faith a false hope??
i see faces everyday that i don't even know what to say to them..
just by their looks ,i don't even know if i can trust...
they scare me but as of always im up to the challenge..
i measure and plot my words around..
is this what a friend should feel??
some people be urself and naturally friends will come up..
be myself as in how sometimes i could count more enemies than friends??..
sometimes when i think back of the innocent minds and faces being pollute by the very scum idea of many people is correct, i feel pity..
pity because they could not make a choice to stand up for what is right or wrong..
sometimes majority does not rule..
even the minor yet standing one shall shine and rise above all else...
no one is said to all right or all wrong..
i believe equilibrium in this world..
where one is wrong while he is still right and right while he is still wrong..
being reasonable isn't a daily lesson in our life..
many things are taken into consideration before are being called reasonable..

fuh,sometimes i think im too complicated..
measure and plot??.
am i too defensive??
or am i too aggressive..
but of all things i believe in love comes free...
not a single thing is more valuable than love when it comes free...
right now as of this moment, i cried out another problem that i had troubles finding way to put into words..
right now,ive one less problem and im happy about it..
and i know it sounds very emotional in here..
are my blog isn't very subjective to whom im talking about but for those who felt shall realize that they've manage to influence me so much that i can write a whole blog about them..
they are not people i hate but somehow people i care...

emo emo emo..

2009-08-04T08:14:00.001-07:00

blast,it seems that ive really lost the mood to blog..
its boring here..
i still don't have a clue how to get a chat box and it feels like nobody cares about my blog..
feels like no reason to blog..

but then,its a responsibility since i've open an account..
so i dealing with it..

y does it seems that everyone is having more fun than i do??.
am i still stuck on the question, am i not sociable enough?..
hm..why why why..

men can never understand woman..
how far do i agree with that??..
100%..
for example everything went smooth today then suddenly after dinner mum gets pissed of at me..
special day of the month??..
can never understand woman...

come and u go as u may

2009-07-25T22:27:00.000-07:00

months just trying so hard to be accepted by them
but frankly at this moment i don't want to try anymore..
as if anything i do will make them treat me as their friend anymore..

though ive gotta be frank that it still bitters this heart of mine..
it wasn't really bout what i do or did to think back..
it was all about them accepting me as a friend..
from conversation to sharing out secrets to hanging out at which place.
all their lies and action have leave behind a scar that deep that it hurts everytime just thinking about it.

i've understand the point that everybody have secret..
and they may choose who they shall share it with..
but sticking around as a gang that it seems that what one knows i dont know..
what are they currently feel i could not ever understand
they made us feel like two worlds apart...

i tried and tried asking myself if it was what i did but it was them all along
so come and u go as u may for this heart of mine will no longer grow fond or bitter of the absence of u friends....

it comes and it goes..does it feel like crap when it stays??

2009-07-08T06:58:00.000-07:00

one moment i could all furious about the world being unfair to me..
another moment, i couldnt stop blaming myself fall all that ive not done well..

ahhh...wish i could sleep right now..
these eyes of mine shut and the problems pop's out..
one night i sleep early thn all comes crashing down..
=.=..sometimes i ask myself why does god create a sleeping period for human when error could occur just by sleeping early or fall asleep..

it's like MATH exam is coming up then tomolo is presentation and saturday another presentation and on saturday itself i have competition which im afraid it would clash..

to add salt to the wound, the only time that my brain could secrete endorphin for my brain to relax had been ruin because she didnt reply me in facebok and she isnt online..

suddenly all things seem to bang each other like the theory of collision..
soon im gonna a breakdown where i will throw everything aside and fall sick..
i soooo wish i could have a break where no exam are coming up..

huh.....BUT i know life aint made easy so ive gotta bring my butt up and start working like a mad cow again...
i havent been working hard for some years and have been depending on my frens to help me..
but i will pick up my butt and go to war again..
wish me lah people...

desperate

2009-07-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

love someone u shouldnt have...
i keep on thinking if i should continue keeping the current condition with this girl..
see she is older than me, a cheerful friendly beauty nice sweet and naughty girl..
she is everything i yearn for in a girl..
from the way she chats to the way she smile and the way she acts dumb when she sees me..
everything she does is attracting me closer but it still doesn't move any closer...

she's become my obsession..
i kept telling myself that i will keep my distance so that i could pull out whenever i want..
but this other side of me keeps telling me to not let the chance of getting her..
she is the type where u lose that one chance thn its gone forever..

she's not rejecting but she is not accepting..
she chats but she's not revealing anything bout what she feels..

i feel that i can see right through her act of dumbness however im not sure of the answer myself..
i try to keep her out of my mind,try to relax but every time i close my eyes, the image of her pop's out...

have i fallen so deep??..
i doubt so but i think so..
i know that the chances are low but heck there's nothing to lose just trying...
but by trying will i ever get to pull myself out..

all this darn question keeps popping out..
she is like a princess from one side and another rocker's daughter on the other side..
how bad is she is what made her so damn attractive...

she ask questions that i need to cast my ego aside and reveal my true intention...
says who ladies are weak??..

psfff...can i ever let go??......

2009-07-02T08:26:00.000-07:00

being brave isnt stupid and blind

2009-07-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

Some people say 'wah, u are very brave', u must be crazy...
Then people expect that u will do any thing that seems crazy to them which eventually they will ask u do it for them..

HEAR ME SAY THIS ONCE..
i cannot stand any bullshit that goes like u are more brave and i am not brave..
its not that i am more brave and u dont have guts, its whether are u willing to throw the dice and see what number u might get..its bout whether u can lose or u cant give it up..
yes,to me things that might seem difficult is more challenging and hence i will take the risk..
in fact, at times i am reckless and hurtful..
i dont do things with thinking too much..
to me by the time u are done thinking the challenge is all over..
and no i am not stupid..risk brings a meaning that there is a probability of failing and succeeding...
and u wont know..yes,it might end up failing, but at least i tried...

i often hear people around me say i am scared so jit lun why dont u do it for me??..
or jit lun go do it for me please,u are more brave than i am...
or even, u are brave without using brains so why dont u do it..
as if im the one with brains but im not using them..

actually i get very piss off with these verses...
if u are afraid defines that u are weak but u still can do something bout it.
u can take the risk ahead, play with it..
for every stone u throw, the chance of hitting the jackpot is much closer...
u learn from every time u fail and feel glad everytime u succeed...

but if u tell me that u wanna stay weak then go ahead..
to me,people who use that verse are just synonym to rubbish...

to might actually hear someone say that they rather stay weak then take risk is just a waste of breath talking to them..
at least u do everything u can and there are no regrets of not trying hard enough..

SO FOR THE LAST TIME dont tell me u are afraid and u wont try..
i am so done and over such nonsense....
im moving on....
people think that brave people don't have feelings hence they ask whatever nonsense and say thing as they please...
let me tell u that,yes in hell we have feelings, even brave people are scared..
but we held up our guts, live up to the challenge and take risks...
that is what made us people brave and not weak...
don't get the wrong concept that brave is an inheritance because it is born within everyone's blood and it's only how one find the way to search for this braveness....

live up to it...

2009-06-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

sometimes i know the road down is so hard and difficult..
its narrow, bending and never goes easy...

i do get lost sometimes, afraid, shiver , tremble, and fall...
but what i do know is that, everytime im down ,hurt and fallen..
someone will come and help me...pick me up..
look out for me..
while some don't...

for those who've been there for me are truely my friends and i understand how much u guys and girls care for me..
appreciate it..
but for those who didn't bother to help me..
i still treat u as who u are..
a friend..
i know that it aint easy being a friend and choosing ur friend i important..
and i also know that it is impossible for people to accept every little person in their life..

the truth is that everyone is scared that what they do will inflict pain to other people...
but to me it is that if u don't try thn u wont succeed.....
for everything ur afraid and u try, u gain a success and courage for although just a inch of improvement..
fo this is what i believe and will live up to it..

A thousand words may not hurt as much as a single word

2009-06-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

U can win but u cant win all...
Ive always thought that i am familiarize with this term..
To be frank,now all that is kept playing in my head was just a verse,no...a word that made me felt sad..
See,having a full intention to play basketball so i headed out and drove there to college..
Put on my shoe,warm up and i am ready to go..
Not showing any expression just being myself as i just wanted to enjoy myself playing basketball..
I did not play well and not play my best at all as i am still not adapted to their gameplay..

I truely admit myself that i do not adapt quickly to things..
i'm rather slow..
So i lost the game a few times..
Couldnt say who to blame as we played as a team..
As just to be happy i play basketball..was that so much to ask for to be happy??..

So we did lost one game where this nigerian was a bit self centered and did not want to pass the ball..
So i voice out for myself to hear just to get rid of the frustration...
Then this guy ask me whom was i referring to?..
And he add that he thinks that the Nigerian was better than i am..

the way his tone was define something very different..
it wasnt just his thought by that word BETTER...
i know it is foolish to be sad or depress over such trivial things..
but from his tone and word he makes me feel that i think that i can win all in the court...

the fact is that i dislike that people who don't me addresses me something whom im not...
but the fact is still that i can't change or make people think the way i want them to be..

im stuck in a world that shall i insist on ignoring bout people's comment bout me as it isnt true or am to listen and adapt for better??..
neither way makes it hard as the road ahead is blurry and full of unexpected pop ups...
but for now a thousand words may not hurt as much as a single word...

weird...

2009-06-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

i cant seem to stop and wonder if posting picture in ur blog makes ur blog looks more interesting..
well...i dont take pictures that often as no one really wants to take picture with me..
i nvr stay quiet and still ,so no wonder and uploading pictures of myself and looking back at my own blog looks lame..

some guy wrote to another person saying this 'i thing u can do that'..
lmao!!...
well,i ain't such a position to be laughing at people but i can barely resist it..
i mean think and thing sounds alike but WAY different meaning..
if u aint sure,go check a dictionary...

well,haha...
ok...over with it..
so whats nxt??..ermm...
new songs are out...but apparently i haven't got the time to track them down and right now i am unable to watch my favorite tv programme HOUSE...
sis and bro are watching and i miss the opening...
so i guess my bedtime for today is 2...

and wow..lakes won today in the final..
proud proud..
there was this part where the emcee said that kobe didnt wanted an ice pack cause he wanted to feel the pain..
lol..sometimes i wonder what other man thinks..pain = inspiration for win..
and basically todays game was a blast..
dwight howard was silent by gasol throughout the game and odom was just astonishing..
kobe as usual,the best there is..and fisher made a great contribution to the team..
and as a result..2009 nba champions...
yeah..lakers rocks...

i want a girl to be my side but is it a pretty one or the one i love

2009-06-05T08:38:00.001-07:00

ive always wonder if i want a girl that is pretty or the girl that i love..
ive had friends who told me that choose the one u love instead of the pretty ones..
i know that but can i do that??.

i know it might sound wrong but its true bout me..
who doesnt get distracted by pretty things???
apparently everyone does..
should be the one that fascinates my eyes or the one that adores my heart??..
if she is someone i can't stand seeing how am i to love her??..
but if she is someone that everyone loves seeing how secure is her love for me??..

u are planning to spend time with the person u wanna be with..
but which should be the right one??
the one that wears a dress to a beach or the one who wears jeans to a prom night??..
the one who looks pretty but dumb or the one who looks dumb but clever??..
but with all these to request,do people have the same request as i do??..

confusing..people say slowly find and u dont know who u might end up with..
im afraid that i will nvr find that very person and by so im taking all chances..
but am i doing right??..
if not taking all chances then wait for someone??
its not easy waiting for an answer which keeps u awake at night,wondering and mesmerizing..
hmm...
amazed as i read through my own blog...
its all bout words and its all bout question with no answer..
ask me if i am yearning for a girl...
noooooo....
ask me if i am wanting to be alone for this while...
nooooo.....

even myself do not know myself..
i want to love but not to love??..
hate my mum when she is right..
she says that i think too much...
well,guess somehow she knows that best things in life comes free..
my mum always ask me to have fun...
yet i find no joy nowadays that life seems a bit dull already..
im beginning to stress out on my studies..
yet i do find the time to listen to songs like mario u should let me love u pr mayb hinder without u....

best things in life come free..

2009-06-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

disappointed..

2009-05-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

today went out with a girl to watch the movie night at the museum 2..
the show was hilarious and nice,overall its was worth watching..

so i went to lm at like 11.30..
went to a n w for breakfast then head off to popular to read my favorite magazine..
the men's magazine..
so written in there were basically men's stuff..
and there this section called the sex bulletin if i was not mistaken,wrote there bout girls commenting how to be called a sexy guy..
so there written bout guy's blog shouldn't be bout the depressive stuff instead should be something a guy's desire....

so i apparently disagree..
though i do wanna thought as a sexy man..
but i find the comfort to write bout my depressive stuff in here..

i seriously don't understand her..
does she have feelings or does she not??.
she spends time with me but she keeps her distance..
she gives me a feeling that i wan u but i dowan u..

seriously i do not know what is my next move towards her..
though sometimes i feel like msging her or even calling her out..
but she seems all busy..
she makes it sound all nice to call me out for lunch or to spend time with her but in the end she keeps her distance..

i dont know how long can i survive in this situation..
to be frank,my feelings for her had not fade..
it was always there but i kept it within me cause back then she had another man's heart..
but now she is single..
she cheers for single but is that what she wants??..
or am i just giving myself too much hope??.
mom is always nagging bout me thinking too much when things are made easy..

so i wanted to ask her does she still likes me??..
though i admitted that im not convince to be in a relationship now but i do want a woman to change my thought of so..
i don't want to be a wanderer,always finding and not having someone to lay back on..

i always envy the moments where the guys get to lay back and have some alone time with the one they love..
well,i admit i think too much..
but just to be clear,i do still like her and the feelings aint something that is fading soon..
i guess its here to stay..

so another disappointing thing would be my performance for the basketball training..
i do not know why i had tremendously retard of my stamina..
mayb i cant focus on the game..
i dont know..
something is bothering me..
and thanks to all that wished me on my bday..
i do appreciate it a lot..

happy bday.....

2009-05-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

its 12.32 in the middle of the night and its my bday...
im waiting for her msg just to wish me..

its nothing much and its doesn't mean anything much but right for the moment i yearn for it..
every minute i see it pass...
every msg i tend to be wondering who is it..
well its okay.........its not the first year...

im 18...lol..
legally 18....
and regarding bout the request of having a comment box or chat box...
i dont know how to include into my blog....
so find someone to teach me??..

im so beautiful,so damn beautiful

2009-05-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

so basically ive fallen for the beautiful by akon..
ive been setting it as my ringtone,singing it day and night..
well its truely one awesome song...

so damn beautiful...

ok..so here i am,publishing a new post since the last 2 day i was too tired to post any..
life's been great!!!!..
i cannot believe two great things happen on me just between 2 days..

ok...so here's the first thing..it was 2 days ago that i stayed back in college just to slack and chat with my weird fren,sin yee..
it was 5 we started chatting..
then around 6 plus,a couple of seniors,a girl and a boy, came to us and ask me if i would like to compete for prom king..
EYE OPEN,ROUNDS AS A COIN,SURPRISED,SPEECHLESS was my reaction to their question..
i was shy OF COURSE..so i giggle(like a man)..i was like hooooly shit..me??..prom king??..unimaginable..definitely not me...
then my fren sin yee..convince me to join and said it would be fun..
and the seniors were like u met with our criteria..
and i was quite happy when they say so..
means im not that bad after all..
since then i loved facing myself in the mirror..vain right??!!..i agree...though i have these two pimples on the bottom of my jaw both side to side..
yeah...life's good..
so vote for me if i passed my audition......
im so beautiful!!!..so damn beautiful..

haha...then it was just yesterday that i had a friendly match with a us team..
boy they were good..
they had this player who was a nba draft player..i guess it should be put in this way..
he was like dwayne wade...he scored 10 points in 30 seconds!!!!!..
and coach put me on the game to mark him..
what a joy to mark him though i couldnt do it..

im recognise by my blue nike shoe..i loved this picture so much..like i was a nba player..
beautiful and remarkable skills by wilson the photographer~!!!!!...
i love it...muah!!!!!see how tall that white guy is??..at least a head or more..

i only had 1 assist but no points score for 4minutes in the game..its an achievement cause im the 1st rookie coach put in the main team..im proud..but i will work harder..
i love it i love it i love it..hey,told u 30 minutes of gay time...

ok...the next thing would be in my post would be the mini i phone that i would be selling..

it would be the size of ur palm..suitable for girls...for guys it would be slim and nice to hold

its still wrap and new...

sry,the headset is mine...this is just to show how it looks like..

it could support up to 16gb not 8gb...

iPHONE...

please tell me if u are interested...
ispring_143@hotmail.com is my msn address....
add it,tell me ur name,ur price,...

well..i did fulfill my frens request..update my blog,put some pictures in it..
so what else do u all dearful friends would like me to do in my blog??..

failed my driving test..lol..

2009-05-18T09:06:00.001-07:00

so today i went for my driving car test..
woke up at 7..
reached there at 9..
waited till 10 just to fail my slope..
and then waited till 2 just to pass my on the road..
so basically i was quite happy..

and i did notice one thing that when people are getting nervous,its always easier to get to know them at that particular moment.
mayb they needed someone to chat with..
or they were just shaking and needed some comfort..

so i got to know a few people there..
a girl who her name was cheryl..
well..she is a chinese..
talkative..
and she likes to describe me looking alike as her fren..
by that she meant my expressions and my eyes..
so in conclusion she is friendly..

then what a joy..
i met the plum plum chicken wing flabby arms janice lee ci en and fierce and all nice subashini along my day at the driving test..
and when i failed my slope..
they joined me!!..
good frens..
hard to find..
appreciate what u girls did for me!!..
and when uncle droves us back in his kancil..
his air cond broke down AGAIN??..
so i stood my head out of the scrolled down window and now i understand why dogs love doing that..super relaxing...and uncle was going only at 60km per hour..
i will remember to adapt myself to the car nxt time..
i will not fail again..
oh well..

so nowadays if i had the time i would do some 30 minutes gay time aka blogging..
well my fren were asking me update it so i was like,yeah y not??..
although i dont think she will read..
but oh well,friends request,y reject??..

then i was thinking bout finding a gf today..
i was thinking hey,i think im financially good and my lifestyle is quite stable so maybe i should find one now??..
but then i came to think back bout these few days im pretty hot tempered and ive been in quite a mood swing..so better not..
wouldnt wan my soon to find and be 4th gf running away crying in ters due to my mood swings..

so basically no..
no to relationships..
but yes to more friendships..
i think im chatting more these few days.,
though time goes slowly for me but im enjoying it..'
sometimes im facing some challenges and sometimes im just plain ordinary happy me..
so college life did cheer me up..
compare to sticking myself out for my 'brothers' and college life??.
COLLEGE LIFE..
happier merrier and i think i will start cam whoring...seems fun..

failed my driving test..lol..

2009-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

frens dont last cause they aint true??..

2009-05-16T05:31:00.001-07:00

pffff!!...screw the word fren..
im so angry over a minor thing which i should had been over it.....
i should be spending my time doing my assignment instead of blogging over such minor things..
but it keeps bothering me..

so its just a simple friend and friend argument..

i dunno whether i did mention in my other post bout him??..
well he is an awfully rude person..
i cant understand why i even became close with this kind of friend..

he is like a flirty jerk,as long as that girl is pretty he wants to know..
its okay,cause if u don't find then u won't find em..
BUT..he doesn't dare to make a move on to get the know the girl..
and then he would force his friends to 'HELP' him..
eventually his friend,apparently would be me at most times=.=...
will let him get his softer side and eventually i will 'HELP' him..

to think back,i was very very dumb...
he was only taking advantage of my soft side..
to him,my actions and move is kiddy or they would use they word IMMATURE..

so just to let u all know if u think that i am immature that u can take advantage of my softer side,u can go fuck yourself and bang ur dear freaking balloony head on the wall..
i learned and won't let it happen again..

okay..the next issue would be his way of answering people..
visualize this,that u with the intention of sending a simple message just to ask if he wanted to play basketball and his reply is fuck u..
just two words,fuck u..
how unbearable rudeness of him..
u could say that this is minor cause foul words are common among our gangs..
BUT not to me..
in our gang we are all assholes when it comes to calling people or msging to come play for basketball..
we rather not call or msg..
so I'm doing the job that nobody wants to do..
I'm doing with no hope of u paying me back my phone bill..
and just he replies fuck u..
AND NO MATTER WHAT FUCKING EXCUSES U MAKE TO ME,I AM IGNORANT..

such low standards...
such a gap difference between our educational level to our morality level(dunno how to express in words)..

YES..I AGREE ITS KINDA IMMATURE OF ME TO BE MAD OVER SUCH SMALL AND MINOR SHIT CRAP LOAD OF BULLSHIT THINGS BUT..
i am very disappointed of why i helped in the first place..
i didn't wan to listen to what others said bout him..
i was ignorant cause i thought as long as i am a true friend to him so he will as well..

but all that sincerity just to recognize myself as a doll and toy for him to walk all over..
all the while i was treating him with respect and loyalty as a friend..
but he was just taking advantage of me..
i fucking hate these kind of people..
they ain't sincere..
so this is what u get of being nice and sincere to someone??..
so i practically can say THIS IS WHY I AM SO ANTI SOCIAL WITH GUYS..
i am a guy and i understand what we are going true..
but why am i the one always being the fool..
i could understand if the girls treat me this way because its the difference of our sex..
but guys..same species...
i was kinda happy so far..
very satisfying with my life so far till this incident..
again repeating history itself...

u must be crazy my friend..

2009-05-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

tired tired tired...
this word has been repeating itself in my head and it has kept rewinding..
and everytime i i think of this word i fell asleep..

and this is how i miss my g.chem class today!!!..
ta de mother(ur mother)..i was awake at 4.30 but i was hit back asleep with a headache just when i wake up..
so basically im lazy...

i did stop a while for b logging..
because i felt like blogging is such a gay move by a guy..
its like u read a blog that writes "hey,im soooooo happy today that i bought a new jeans,etc"...just to know what it was written by a guy..
i mean yeah it is expression but i felt it was a bit gay..
but hey,gay is like common among ppl??.
so whats wrong bout me being a gay for what?..30 minutes of my day

actually i wanna admit something that i am comp dumb and blog dumb..
as u can see that my blog is dull..
boring,full with words??..
it is not because i dowan to learn how to improve my blog, its just that i dont know where the heck to fancified my blog..

i too wanted ppl to look at my blog and say wow,colourful!!..
retard me..

2nd thing i wanna admit is that after so many years i came to know that im a shy guy..
haha..
i turn my back when some girl that i dont know talked to me..
haha..
even a she has the guts to approach me but the one with the balls turns away...
lah..regret man i tell u..
dont do that for u guys out there..
im so anti social and i dont know why..
i try to friendly but i guess i wasnt trying hard enough...

but all i do know is that i irritate people easily..
so let me know if i irritated u..
i guess i will try to stop being so irritative??..

i guess im kinda still influence by people around me who hates me..
so i guess i should say fuck off??...
i mean in the ass i should care bout them..
yes ive been telling myself this but still so i couldnt ignore them..
i must try hard..
i must be confident that i could one day laugh at those who look down on me..

ok..enough bout me..
i think i did get to know a new friend..
she is 20..
ermm..not slim...friendly..
willingly to learn..
study type..
laughs at my cold jokes..
right..
the best of all is that she dont mind mixing around a kid like me..
see.........im friendly..
oh yeah nowadays i enjoy self praising..
ok..enough bout me..
thn she is like practically the same class in all classes as i am..
well as long she is neutral thn im fine..

ehhhhh...im selling a iphone mini..
i try to upload some pictures into the blog later whn i get my hands on it..
its iphone but mini type..
its a china phone and LEGAL AND WONT EXPLODE...
gee cant understand ppl..china phone will explode!!!the the how can china reach the population of 1 billion eh??..
there wont be peace at china lah..so many explosions happen...
if so thn 1 million ppl is also an unreacheable dream lah..
funny ppl..
lol..

well..i guess im tired AGAIN!!...

college life starts now..

2009-04-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

well..orientation just came and pass..
it wasnt that fun because i pretty much didnt socialize which i pretty much regret it alot..
actually this orientation made me realise something that im just soooo alike the ordinary expectation of people..
mum always said that malaysian's student are most not outspoken..
apparently that is true..
i mean to be able to speak in front of a crowd to make urself clear and to make a good first impression and to not make a fool of urself isnt really something easy..
though some seniors did make a very good example..
in fact a few were quite remarkable the way they handle the situation...

the crowd was very down and gloomy that it makes me wanna stand up and shout 'fuck,this shit is boring'...
well,couldnt find the balls to do so..
well college had many pretty girls and some hot guys even the hibrids were there too..
so many things and so many stuff which i havent explore bout college..
guess i shall have fun there...

oh yeah...just so some people know..
i really dont care bout ur opinion towards me anymore..
u can call me immature or talkative or whatever it is..
the fact is that i wanna have fun..
if being naive i could have fun learning..
i would!!..
if being talkative i can get more friends...
i would!!..
if shouting enables me to express my feelings..
i would!!..
if my immature thoughts can make me a friendly person or someone easy to bullied and mix around..
i would!!...

i hate and sick of this boredom concept call being mature..
im 18...
the freaking big round dunno how many kilometres round shape star we lived is such a big place to be but how many times can we be immature and have fun..

some people think i smile because im lost in my own world..
but nope..i smile because its just the way i am..
if frowning is better than a smile thn sry lah..not my punya style...
punani of some people thinks that they are sooooo mature...
well..go gather ur hormone and fur and that mature thinking of urs and keep aside..
LG=life's good...

i dont and wan to fall for you again..

2009-04-06T06:39:00.000-07:00

ever loved someone whom u rejected??..
ever felt desperate for u to talk to her?..
its like a torment just to talk her...u want to talk to her but u dowan too..
u wan to hold back ur feelings..
u know it aint right for u to like her again but yet u wan it...
u yearn for her to care for u but u show nothing,no expression when does care for u..
u hope for a chance to be with her again for u left tht choice due to ur foolishness and selfishness...
u wan to have the distance but u dowan to be too far away..
ur stuck here thinking whether is it u she wants to talk or it is just all in ur mind..
u pick up ur phone and all u ever wanna text is her...

for why in the hell u know ur not gonna be worthy for her and for all that uve done u hope for another chance??..
u tried so hard to pull out of liking her but just her appearance for tht very 5 seconds and all effort to put the distance is thrown away??washed up??..
u know ur all out of love..
u only wan someone to love u but why her??..
y??..
all is happening again..like a spoilt tape that keeps rewinding and rewinding..
u wanna stop the tape..but for somehow tht very spot that keeps rewinding make u happy.
though ive found someone new that i thought i would like but it seems its all a lie..
u wanna stop everything inculding conversation with everyone else just so u could focus on her..
its dumb and yet u know it..
nothing bout what u do for her is gonna make her to give u another chance..
she probably just laugh at it thinking that ure just a mere boy doing unnecessary things...
to her ur nothing..
but to u,she's like a poison..
every step u take make u deeper and the pain gets more real....
i dont but i wan to fall for u again..

im stuck in between a choice of my own and all the people around me

2009-03-27T03:06:00.000-07:00

im stuck,i cant move and i cant think...
i cant relax,i got like all the time in the world and i cant make a decision..

my feelings are afraid and confuse..
i know this isnt something i should be thinking now but its like rewinding in my head over and over again..
it doesnt make me sad but it makes me stupidly thinking....

ever try to plant a seed,nuture it with all ur heart,watering it everyday,hoping it would bloom into something beautiful..
but suddenly a storm came,the wind was so strong that the leaves of the plant u cared so much,torn leaf by leaf by ur very own eyes that instantly it died...
after a series of hard time u were left with nothing..
people tease u that u werent smart enough to create a shelter for it..
u did not tend to protect that all u were trying to is make things grow out instead of fixing the obvious problem eventhough uve been told forth and back yet ure unable to realise...
months later u got another seed...
u were hoping to give it another try however due to past experience u were confuse..
the question u ask is 'should i??,whether u wan it or not??'..
and all this questions make u hesitate and put a hold to taking any action hoping time would solve the ridle for u...
yet day after another day passes by..
u still hope that time would take away the pain of yesterday and solve ur ridle..
as time flies by,the seed eventually died..
u regret..u were thinking of all the beautiful things could happen instead of death..
as one door closes another opens up,yet an other seed appears before ur very eyes for u..
however u are afraid again..
people around u were so different in opinion..
one side of the hand said that give it another try so that u will learn..
the other side of the hand said to not give it a try because u yet no learn to take care and had cause two death...
in such a big turn ure back to square one..
right at where u started..
ure stuck..

what can u all give me as an advice??..
i wanna like her and get to know her..
yet people around are so different in their opinion..
im holding back my feelings..
some people are claiming that i am being unloyal..
said that i could love a girl this moment and moments later its another one..
friends say that happiness is searched not through other's mouth..
some people said that she aint a decent girl,aint simple as i think she is..
friends say get to know her urself...judge her from what u know bout her urself..

things are not spoken unless something more or less did happen..
what am i to do??.
hurrrrrm..
stuck..and everytime im at it..i run by playing..
hoping time passby so i wont need to think of it..
but every night as i go to sleep..
the question pops!!back to square one..
i do not know if i will and can get her..
but not trying seem dumb of me..
trying would also seem foolish of me..

shall i or shall i not???..
ahhh...play dota(will lose eventually)..

not really such a happy day..

2009-03-24T05:39:00.000-07:00

im not happy today..
now that i realise that friends arent friends..
that even among friends,we spilt up into different variety of groups just because disagreement of judgement and thought..

sometimes im left to wonder all alone if it was really a bad choice or not..
was it something i said that sound so immature??.
i thought if u treat someone good eventually they will treat u back..
but however it seems no matter how u treat that someone good,a grudge is a grudge,a scar is a scar,that they wont change their perception anymore bout u..
if they think ure immature thn u are from the start till the end of the friendship..

i feel that these people are so cold hearted and are so full of themselves..
giving people a chance and changing ur thoughts about him/her defines that ur giving urself another chance too..

i maybe foolish to not know what im saying half the time....
but i do know this that as much i am not good in words,i had nvr betray or backstab a fren whom i call him/her friend..

it takes a lot of guts to betray someone and it takes a lot of thought to say one and do another..
sometimes to think back,im really through with friendships..
if u wanna talk to me thn u talk..i dont wan to bother to ask or talk much about anything..
its this feeling of the more u talk the more mistakes u made..
having to think back i do talk too much..
i have problems shutting my mouth..
i have problems voicing unnecessary stuff..

i really should have kept my distance as even making friends is a task..
actually there is so much to talk bout friends..
i could type a million words but none can reach anyone as it really takes one to notice another..

why are we so weird??

2009-03-22T04:21:00.000-07:00

A GIRL..
what is the first thing that passes through ur mind when u come across the word a girl..
polite,decent,pretty,demanding,pious and so on...
however nowadays it's not the same anymore..

the other day i was walking the 'pasar malam',i saw a girl who was quite nicely dress and had quite a gorgeous look..
but as i observe closely,she was holding a cigratte..
i mean its not that im a sexist that guys smoking are normal and girls shouldn't..
no,its just that WHY??...

knowing its not a healthy habit,knowing its hazardous towards urself,ur friends,and everyone else around u??
smokers are selfish...

please,reasons to smoke like releasing stress or temptation even being brave to try it are sooo nvr to why u should pick up this habit...
u wanna release stress??..
eat something nice..play..jump..shout...talk...roll around...punch..kick...chop...
so many other methods than smoking..
being brave??ur just being dumb...
temptation??..cant u control urself??..

my reaction was ok,not a good person..
i mean ur selfish,u smoke and u dont care bout health or other people around..
what if ur pregnant??ur still tempted to smoke,u cant resist,and thn poof,u smoke..
damaging and killing an innocent foetus...
because of smoking u born a mentally retarded child who was damage by the drugs in the smoke..
u make him/her hate themselves just because they were born into the world unperfectly where u can prevent all these from happening if u could resist and nvr lose to smoking..

life is cruel and sad the way u think they are...
learning how to cope and overcome ur troubles is the best way to turn out to be someone normal..

why am i so afraid of trying anymore??..

2009-03-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

gutless and cocky was my style once...
i could say what i thought i want and do what i say..
i always told myself to talk the talk and walk the walk..

this verse taught me 2 things to bear in mind..
1 is to tell the truth at whatever situation being question..because honesty is nvr in all man's heart and the trust given by people can't be bought instead it's earned,yet lies can take all the earning away..

2 is to be true to urself about what u can do and can't do..no point in telling other people what u can dream to do..prove urself worthy is always better...

however my mum the other day told me i was being too frickle minded..
i do admit it..
i think too much...
is this the reason to why i am so afraid to try???..
it was two dissapointment for last year..
a fail relationship and a very devastating result...

i tend to think i have so much responsibility at times..
to care for this and to care for that..
some ppl whom i lived with,could live without caring bout others..
they even told me that in life,selfish is the one thing that keeps ur survival in the real world...
i agree however i cant be that selfish..
sometimes it is not bout the benefits i get from people however its that one thing i do for them to just see a smile makes my heart feel so comfortable..
living life was just more than one person..
i feel that life has to have various choices...

somehow i feel like losing isnt something i want anymore..
i wanna build a relationship with a girl which is stable and firm..
i wanna be more expose to knowledge..
i wanna be better in my languages..
i dont wanna be a weakling...
i wanna rise again so i can look up and walk again..
sometimes i feel so disgraceful just looking at my exam slip..

i feel so ashamed of myself..
i felt like i dont even stand a chance to be called an adversary in other people's eyes...
i wanna tell other people im more than just my mouth..
i will remember those who step on and laugh at my results..
its a personal vendetta..
but chillax,im not gonna kill them or what..
im just gonna put in my effort,rise again,make them change their minds bout me..

to lift myself where fallen,to pick up my guts and to strive on..
i do not want to struggle in the sand but i want to be a memory ,a image,an example...
what didnt kill me,only makes me stronger....

ns fella...

2009-03-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

there goes again friends who are leaving..
good friends and close friends whom i wont be able to chat with for quite some time..

though part of me really felt uneasy cause 3months change alot of things,i do not wanna say goodbye or send them off..

i do not wan to see them cry or myself cry as well..
plus,goodbye are for ppl who are leaving u for good..
nope,its just three months..
but here i wish through this blog to all those whom i did not say anything or replied their msg..
good luck,have fun and take care...
hygiene must be taken first in order..

and when u do meet friends,dont forget ur old ones..
and for one special friend who has always been there for my troubles,i will wait for u to return and yes i intentionally do not want to sent u away because i will feel very sad cause i have no one to tell me troubles at..
pls pls take care of urself....

work in His mysterious ways..

2009-03-13T04:32:00.000-07:00

spm results were out..
my results were a big disappointment...
i thought i was good enough..
however it stroke me from behind,without notice..
i was stun to look at my results..
speechless and couldn't accept my results...
reluctant to think other than that they had made a mistake..

i got a b4 for my english..

He was the one whom i ask for courage..
He was also the one who took away my courage..

at 1st i was so frustrated..
i couldn't accept the fact that its a b4..
i could ensure i wasn't that weak..
but even through twisting and turning the paper back and forth..
none of the printed words and figure change on that slip..
shame..i felt such shame in me..
it was a blow so hard that it left me in tears..

i wasn't crying for the fact i agree that i was weak..
but i cried because i've proven myself repeatedly times that i would not get such a result..
this damage is permanent..
each tear rolls down my cheek with full disappointment..
suddenly i felt that i was the laughing stock among my parent's colleague...

a person who speaks in english,talks in it,studied in it could get such a result..

i once heard a phrase,why do we fall??...so that we learn to pick ourselves up..
(i think from batman)
another one was god can setup success and so can he tear down the empire given to u..
my point is i hear them,i feel them,but this heart of mine couldn't let go..
i feel so heavy,such shame and pain..
i laugh when people ask me whats ur results like??..
i don't want sympathy..
neither i don't want advices...
i wanted time alone..

then came grandma's phone call..
she smile when i said i got only 2A...
she said it was already good enough..

all my parents could say is that i didnt give my effort...
i didnt do good enough..
at the very moment i was down,they step on me..

what i hope was tht nothing change..

all tht is running through my mine is i fail to pass the obstacle set by Him..

another year has passed so quickly..

2009-02-11T07:41:00.001-08:00

wow...in a blink of an eye im back to the day where everything meets the wrong turn..
the day ive started making a decision where i regreted for a series of time..

though time clicks and past,the solitary moments ,the worse and the very intense moments of life has just pass in a blink of an eye..

one year back,i was still wondering what will this year be??..
one year from back then ,im wondering what could ive done better last year for this year..

funny though,how life parts at every turn..
in just a year u change to learn more and spread out like a drop of an ink into a glass full of milk..
suddenly another year will pass and soon u will find tht people change so much..
some maybe good some maybe bad..
however u may find urself still stuck being the same old u..
wondering and ponder if u ever did change from this very point..

i dont know bout others,but i always look back onto myself and ask if ive grown from yesterday and the day before..
am i a better person or am still a bewilderment child trying to figure out who am i..
though i do not know the answer but i tend to give out an effort to try to stay in line..

i believe tht as long as u dont give up being the good guy,u will bloom eventually into a normal person..
i believe tht holding on to ur belief is what most important to be a better person..
so,mayb this year my moto will be 'nvr be tired being the good guy'...
i hope i can live up my moto..
i will work hard to live up to tht..
so may every obstacle i face,i face with bravery and patiently..
for every fall,i shall pick myself up and look up again..
for every success,mayb i not be cocky and to be more mature...

i feel guilty

2009-02-03T05:37:00.000-08:00

today was the day 1 and the last day of my first job..
this morning at 7.00 i woke up to get ready for my job..
iron my clothes ,took a bath,wax my hair tidily..
headed off to kl to had breakfast with my parents..
this tht thn tht this..
thn reach MEGAN AVENUE.
went up to the office with my dad..
talk to the in-charge person there...
and there i met christina..

at 1st i thought she was a rather quite person..
nth much to talk about and rather the cool type person..

later she prepared some notes for me..
taught a lot of stuff bout retail sales..
she wasnt really someone who could crack a joke out suddenly..
she was rather trying to maintain cool..

so after she brief me on the retail sales thingy,she asked me to go for my lunch and bloody,my lunch itself cost me rm12..
sheesh..city life..
thn after lunch i went back up to the office to wait for her to bring me to sg wang,my work place..
and then,........while waiting for her,i was reading my notes and not long after tht i went twinkle twinkle little star..
i slept for like half an hour and god knows who heard my snoring..
i was tired!!..
damn it..

so after tht she drove me off to pavilion,the 2nd branch shop..
not bad u know for a small shop in pavilion but such an outstanding decoration..
i went there like twice and i still felt like 'hey,this is comfortable..'
so she introduce to my sheila a staff there..
thn she ask a bit bla and bla thn she drove me to sg wang..

now,one thing bout her is tht her driving skills are excellent..
she did turnings my mum nvr can attempt..
though i nearly pee in my pants but somehow it makes her look cool..
right..

thn at sg wang she brought to the work place..
i quickly adapt myself to the enviroment as the staff there were very friendly..
i felt close there..
i learn to memorize the items there..
i learn to key in the money..
how to do this and tht..
so basically i learn a lot during the 1st day..

thn...i went to take a monorail to my mum's office..
on my way home thn i decided to refuse to work due to personal reasons..
so,i really owe a big thanks to christina...
i really appreaciate what she's done for me..
and a big sry for dissapointing u...
but i hope someday i will get to used what u had taught me..

i feel like running away from them.

2009-01-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

sometimes we get so furious over things..
despite its small or big,we throw our temper..
see i was throwing around my temper with one of brother ka hoe lah..

he is the laziest guy i've ever known but he's got the weirdest way to make someone realise and the best advice from the bad situations..
he pops out something like 'wow,u' re really having a bad time,having so much troubles,so much to think.'..
i was spreading my words with temper all over his face without noticing it..
but when he pops that verse,he really make me felt bad..
he made me feel like im someone who can keep his troubles to himself and every little single thing that i don't like, i just voice it out like i' m some kind of nuisance...
maybe to others it may seem that its a simple verse or maybe that i'm thinking too much..
but for me just something so simple means so much to me..

yeah truely nowadays without study life is boring and its a pressure to not study too...
im afraid that i would settle down and wouldn't want to do anything..
im left with so many question and a very unsatisfied heart..
am i a person who cant handle my own problem??.
will i ever learn how to shut up that action speaks louder than words??..
i wanna walk the walk and not talk the walk..
i wanna be someone who is wise but i tend to spill whatever i know..
maybe im not a responsible person..
im not responsible to make myself to be more mature..
maybe im not learning enough..
what am i doing nowadays??
am i spending my time living it worth or am i just stuck in the same spot??
who am i??..will i ever be part of peoples who move mountains with just a word??
or am i a burden to the society??
wow...a simple verse made me think so much..
mayb a little too much..
but i would like his advise..
i would prefer to tell me where im weak so i can learn and keep pushing forward ahead of life..
anyway i owe him a big thanks,thanks my brother..
although ure the laziest prick ive known but somehow u make me realise something..

huh,im enjoying the song far away by nickelback..
brings back so much memories..
one mistake from one wrong choice change my life..
so meaningful man this song..
shucks,time's up..peace to the world..and happy moments to everyone..
night...

gee..life without a girl..

2009-01-22T07:08:00.000-08:00

well well..today was a pretty insulting day..
as a matter of fact truely insulting for any guy..
ever went out and meet ur ex's friends and u all sit down to chat about..
well,my advice is dont..

NON DIFFERENCE IN SEX OR GENDER
for a person to forget bout their loved ones is truely a hard thing to do..
it can bring back all sort of memories u had with him/her either bad nor good..
second of all,u will feel so awkward being in that situation..
u don't know what to say and do what to make a good impression that the past relationship was put to the past..

ok..so why do i felt insulted...so u see my ex's friend are my younger brother's friend..
they came over to my house..
so as usually i dont wanna talk so much..
ok..based on their age i shouldn't be pissed at what they say,as a matter of fact i don't need to react at all to their words..
but u know thy suddenly pop out a question when they open my wallet..
its goes like 'oh gosh,u dont have money??..thtz right u dont have a girl'..
insulting??..
do u know guys care for their pride a lot??..

NO OFFENSE TO THE GIRLS..
for a guy who has a girl..
its bout the kisses and hugs and sex and whatever is in a guy's mind..
and for a guy who dont have a girl they imagine what its like to have a girl..
so for girl pls do not look too high upon urself..
if u dowan a guy so can a guy dowan u..
we dont say tht we cant live without u..
we only say to we can barely live without sex..
so dont think too high upon urself..
dont make us sound desperate..
in fact the love we're trying to find is being close to someone and we are trying to find someone to cared about..
we arent desperate,so quit ur 'oh i think this guy is after me but i dont wish tht i will let him f**k me'..

i hear my ex's friends say things like 'wow this guy is sooooo cute' or 'wow,he is super f**king hot' and 'tht guy is sooo ugly and ewww gross' even 'he is ugly tht no girls wan him even i dont wana know him'..

do u know how bitchy u girls sound when u say tht??..
i mean who are u to judge another mother's son??..

BITCHES REMAINS AS BITCHES..
they came to my house..
finished my biscuits(i wanted to eat them,=.=)
started flushing out foul words..
started going through my privacy stuff..
started teasing and humiliating me..
started gaving comments bout my pictures..(obviously it aint good..)
started hitting my brother..
started raising their voice in my living hall..
started to be rude to me..

ok..im supposed to tell them off but i didnt..
ive manage to suppress my anger right??..
but telling me tht i cant live without their friend as my girl..
girl,ure a bitch..
so for u guys out there dont and dont ever go out hanging out with ur ex's friends..

doggy ahhh doggy..;.

2009-01-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

I DETEST AND I REPEAT MYSELF HERE..
I DETEST PEOPLE ORDERING ME TO DO STUFF...

spoils my day when people do so..
other than my family members,i say no one and no one should even have the guts to order me around..

well..since id make it clear..
if u done something wrong to someone dont use other people to help u..
u know how tht way is just so low class tht it makes me frustrated..
fool me once the shame is on me..
fool me twice the shame is on u..

nope..i dont and i wont hesitate to reject,decline and shove a rude answer up ur face...
im not ur same blood brother or anything, we're just friends..so best u dont cross tht line..

gee...ive passed my 'undang' exam..
wow..44 is a good number too...
studied it at the last hour during red alert and still ive manage to did it..
haha..genius..haha..
wee...

well..3 days ive been going down to times square and sungei wang...
wow..one word =BOOOOOOORINNNNNGGGG...
but there are some happy moments to it too..
gee..today's post is lack of some great vocab,im losing out..

but u know the good times dont stay long..
time for the normal life again..
and to know tht chinese new year is around the corner..
oooo...IM 18 AND IM LEGAL ON ALCOHOL..
muahaha,..cant wait to get my hands on it...
oh wel..till the next post..
bye...

to hell with people who cant be reson with..

2009-01-13T07:18:00.000-08:00

im a very sensitive guy who can be easily offended by facial expression...
im a guy who expects good manners when i approach u in a respected way..
im a guy who can be reason with but not to be deny and throw words upon...

basically i hate people who are rude and thinks too highly of themselves...
to me...everyone in this world is equal..
nobody is said to be too high or too famous upon..
i would prefer the word humble..
i hate and detest and most of all am disgust by stuck up facial expressions..

i mean..who in hell are u??..
who are u to think tht u are better thn anyone??..
firstly think of who u are??
what makes u special tht u seem to be different or more highly placed among everyone..
to me..its bullshit..
dont give reasons like beauty or being rich...
without it u still have to go on with life...

just so u know..ive just quarrel with my family members just 10 minutes ago..
wanna know why??..
im am absolutely gonna describe in full details what happened..
see...after the computer was left empty i went to MY room to turn it on..
ok..after tht i log into my msn account and went to surf friendster...
after finish surfing..i turn on some music..
im bored...whole day the comp was used by my dad..like morning till 9 at night..
ok...thn i went down to do my daily routine....
my exercise..today's exercise was the abs..
while doing it,i knew tht my sister went to my room and used the computer..
i know...
thn after finishing it..i had to take my bath..
as i was walking my up the stairs to grab my clothes..
i saw my sis turn off MY MSN AND SWITCH ON HERS..
at the very moment i was angry..
i kept quiet and i presume she knew tht i was unhappy tht she did so..
so i went to take my bath hoping she would leave the comp alone after im done..
she didnt..
so i still held my anger to myself..
and went to wipe the dinner table which i havent wipe it yet..
i was still hoping tht she would leave it alone..
SHE DIDNT..
u ask any other people to withstand this..
i believe tht what ive done is consider at my maximum ability..
even so..after cleaning the table i went to tell her to get out of my room...
its normal right?!!..
what else do u think was coming out of my mouth?..
get out of my room,PLEASE??
UNLESS I DONT HAVE MY PENIS OR MY TESTICLE ATTACH TO MY BODY THN ONLY WOULD I SAY THT..
I AINT SUCH A SISSY ASS AND A SOFT PERSON..
so i wouldnt consider it very rude of me to tell so..
she kept quite..
again i presume she caught the message..
but noooo!!!!..
she always has her damn reason..
and everytime she says her reason its like god's words..
well to hell or to god i DONT GIVE A DAMN..
the truth is tht she was being rude at the 1st place..
like iit or not ur wrong..
am i not wrong??..
thn she went calling my mum..
ahh..and then came big boosy mum..
she came into my room and without asking why she assume and made a decision tht i was wrong..
she ask me to leave her alone..
why MUST I??..
WHY IN GODDAMN HELL SHOULD I??..
ITS MY ROOM AND IVE GOT THE RIGHTS TO CALL HER TO GET LOST OUT OF MY ROOM..
AND HER SIMPLE REASON THT SHE WANTS TO DO HER PROJECT..
WHAT IN HELL DOES SWITCHING ON HER MSN HAVE TO DO WITH HER PROJECTS??..
DONT TELL ME SHE HAS TO CHAT WITH HER FRIENDS TO GET INFORMATION..
AND THT WOULD BE CALLED COPYING A PROJECT NOT DOING A PROJECT..

and u know what..after a few words my mum called my dad who was sleeping..
oh and dad came in with tht same old boring shit headed speech..
u got no manners..
get it right..who in hell dont have manners here??..
me or her??..
can u see why im so pissed??..
why am i so desperate to throw my fist at my family??...
if she wants to do her project she could have asked!!!..
although we aint talking to each other which bascially i dont give a damn bout her anymore..
she could have ask and not sit her ass down do whatever she likes.

mum could only say tht im being hard headed and im always like tht,..
and when i explain she could only say ur sis is correct!!..leave her alone..
and to hell do i care..
u know what..i really dont give a damn whether she is my mum or not..
i slam 'shut up' to her face..
even a judge wont discriminate a beggar and wouldnt say tht he is wrong..
can u feel the injustice here??..
all i wanted was her to ask me and i did not ask her to slice herself..
she still insist tht im being rude..
go to hell!!..
do u know how bored i am??.
being pinalise tht im wrong even without asking what happen??..
not able to explain what had happen..
its just a simple damn question..
i quit being a nice guy..
i give up being sweet and all..
i rather be rude and nasty thn to explain anything at all..
its shit...practically its all bullshit whatever my mum says bout me and my sis's reason are.

am i just a hard headed boy or am i just being ignorant

2009-01-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

there's a saying tht ignorance is a bliss..

people are like so different from one to another..
each individual has their own style and there pro and cons to them..

for this very moment,im having self doubts...
what kind of doubts??..
im asking myself..
everytime someone orders me around i tend to dislike it..
i detest in everyway..
in fact i love doing my way cause i do not see the reason why i cant do it my way..
sounds hard headed???..

sry but i disagree...
to me...who are u to direct me to do stuff..
unless i am willingly to do so..
its a goal...we are different individual..
i do not insist to do it my way or neither should u insist me to do it ur way...
and please do not feel mad cause i do not go ur way..
its very childlish..
in life we are often to meet up with disagreement..
i learn to accept the better to evade the worse...
like i said,different individual...
im willingly to hear ur reason..
but..
why are people always trying to push me around??..
i take it as though they are trying to bully me..
i do not like it..
i seriously do not like it at all..

ever went into a situation when everybody seems to have an opinion but its just they dont respect ur opinion??..
tht kind of humiliation should exist in friendships...
i do not understand why must we fear someone if tht very person is merely just another homo sapien?..
u know..people tend to think they are great..
even i cant deny tht i once and still felt tht i was born for greater things..
but dont get obsess with tht feeling or its called proud..

every person falls..
pride is always high before fall..
so why?..
why wanna show and tell how great u are and demand respect from other people..
yes...i cant deny tht i love talking bout great things ive been through but its not boast..
its my experience of life..
if a simple experience conversation become a tease topic for someone thn i truely lost the mood to talk or even to trust a friend..
do u know how hurt it is?..
tht when u share something and just because someone thinks tht ur trying to prove tht ur better than him..
thy say something mean..
1st of all..i do not have to prove myself worthy of a friend..
2nd of all...in a friendship who cares who's the better one??..

ok..confession tht i felt tht im smarter at times in my gang..
i dont put this gap into mind cause everyone is equally no matter how good we are..
once my post topic was benefits kills the moral of everyone..
i still felt this during hanging out with my buddies...
i can still felt disrespect from them towards me...
yet i couldnt find the courage to voice out..

if u can prove tht im wrong thn prove it..
i rather be wrong thn to think im right..
i rather not have friends who wouldnt tell me tht im wrong and would only tease of my mistakes..
in addition..if u dun like talking to me and felt tht im a threat to ur popularity...
voice it out..
i dont mind..
like i said..if popularity is what u want..
i rather give it to anyone..
cause it nvr last..
u might be great among the greatest..
but one day..time will take it all away...

i ermm..kinda have self doubt though..
am i not fierce enough or am i just being too hard headed to accept tht things change according to situations??..
do i not have a point in my opinion??..
do i not use my brain to before i talk??..
why does it seem tht every word i speak of seems to be a heart ache to u??...
if its until tht extend thn there goes our friendship..
cause i no longer felt anymore to be said..
i rather not know u so i couldnt hurt u anymore...

so..basically ppl say,'wah so busy ah??'..
actually im not busy..
rather i know tht im lonely cause i darent not voice out my feelings..
my blog is truely one place where i show my soft side..
no matter how hard i am on the outside life..
i do cry and i do bleed as same as anyone..
and my feelings are just as fragile as glass..
im not different in this aspect..
and pls for what ive blog do not ask or question..
its like an insult to my post..

am i just hard headed??..
ive always been responsible for my own things..
ive nvr ask anyone to pick up my troubles..
what ive done is what ill get..
the good or the bad is what i should i get..
i nvr open up myself to anyone cause no one ever ask..
i know the reason why they nvr ask..
everytime someone gets too close..
i stay away...
i cant stand being close with someone..
yet somehow and somewhere so deep inside my heart,yearns for the feeling of being close to someone..
someone i could talk what i feel and could advice me in everyway without getting tired...
someone actually for the 1st time in my life..i could depend on..
yet so long and dont know when will be the right time i find tht very person..

and friends are ppl who dont care how high or how low u are..
even if ur the idiot of the century but u treat everyone equally as u do..
ur a friend..
i do not understand what is there to be proud of having a model or a superstar or a country player or a nominated star...
u know what...i dont care..
to hell to what u are..
i will treat u as a normal friend..
nothing more...nobody deserve to be treat better because he is filthy rich and popular..
nobody deserves to be look down or to be left alone because thy are not good enough..
we are equal...

Frustration is something i cant always control

2009-01-01T04:43:00.000-08:00

PISSED...
today's word of my day is PISSED...
just to know i seldom let my temper control me...
the last time i ever let it control me,got me ended up in a police station..
but truely this time ive let it control me again..
however i do not feel tht im in a wrong position..
i have asked myself what had i done wrong for so many times and yet i do not seem to find any mistakes in my doing today..

WHAT HAPPEN THT MADE ME PISSED??...
today,me and my frens were playing bball as usual..
there was a selected country player who joined us today..
now,let's list why he is called a 'SELECTED COUNTRY PLAYER'..
thy are ppl who trained their ass out to achieve certain limit..
thy are better and brighter at stamina,skills,shooting,lay ups even at jumping heights..

HIM
my team were the one's facing the country player..
i know it's hard for my teammate to try to mark him down..
i understand..
but DO notice tht ive injured my back and i cant play like i usually do..
there's this teammate who likes to enter ball..
he is the fella marking the s.c.p(selected country player)..
he is crazy demanding balls..
he is fast and he is a quite a outstanding shooter..

REASONS TO WHY I'M PISSED
i play the same position as he does..
i DO NOT THINK THT IM WEAKER THN HIM IN ANY ASPECTS..
yet he looks down on me..
basically he looks down on most ppl..
he demands the ball from all three of us..
he wants to play a fast game..
is he crazy or is he dumb??..
we are just average players..
we are fighting against a s.c.p..
he is a trained to perform without getting tired but we aint..
playing a fast ball had caused us our stamina..
we are not stable and we couldnt breathe...
we are puking blood but the s.c.p is just smiling..
cant he read the signs??..
ok...next thing is tht he gets block just because he wans to be fast..
HELLO??..
being fast also means u have to stable..
being blocked means there is something wrong with ur tactics..
AGAIN...IS HE BLIND??..
following up...i know and i understand everybody is tired due to the 'FAST GAME'..
he wants the ball,i understand..but HELL YEAH U SHOULD TRY ASKING IT BY WALKING TO A DISTANCE WHERE I CAN PASS...NOT BEING BLOCKED BY SOMEONE AND STILL STOOD THERE LIKE FREAKING A DONKEY...
and he still claims tht im being slow and i like doing tricks..
elo..im not allen iverson or jason williams or whatever NBA stars u wanna think i am..
im just an average player..
if i can see u thn i will pass to u..
if i can shoot why dont i??...
if i can cut why dont i??..
but all in his mind is 'I NEED THE BALL AND I SHOOT..IF I DONT ENTER MY TEAMMATES MUST REBOUND AND GIVE ME BACK THE BALL TO SHOOT!!"..
this is tottally ridicolous..
even kobe bryant learns how to assist..
even the great kobe bryant the fella who scored 81pts,2nd highest point scoring in nba all time,learns the meaning of teamwork..

THTS WHY I SAY UNEDUCATED PPL ARE UNEDUCATED PPL...
after ive quarrel a bit with him which i simply just complain tht i cant pass to him..
he WALKS OUT OF THE COURT...where in hell is his SPORTSMANSHIP..
WHO DOES HE THINKS HE IS??..WALKING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME??..
IF I WERE ANY FUTHER MAD I WOULD KNOCK THE LIGHTS OUT OF HIM...
ok...get done with tht which i manage to suppress my temper..
he has to make the final blow to leak my anger out..
after the game..i said sry to him..ME SAYING SRY TO HIM EVENTHOUGH I KNOW THT I AINT WRONG..
he tells me..DONT TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW..
EVEN A FREAKING BLIND AND HANDICAPPED PERSON KNOWS THT IVE PUT ASIDE MY PRIDE TO TELL U SRY..
U TELL ME THT U CANT SAY SOMETHING OTHER THAN 'dont talk to me right now!'..
my god..who does he really think he is..
what a pain in the ass tht son of bitch is..
either he is stupid blind and dumb or he looks too high upon himself..
in what ways always i cant stand the way he poke his fingers and steps onto my pride...
IN ANOTHER WAY...HE LOOKS DOWN ON ME...
what an uneducated son of bitch..
wasted his stupid time in school....
learned nth...
tell and advice me HOW TO SUPPRESS THIS HUMILIATION..
dont tell me to let it be cause i dont know how..
if worst come to worst i will and SURE DAMN HELL I WILL get into a fight with him..
ask him to messed with a 2nd DAN black belt holder in taekwondo and see lah what can happen to him....
AND NO...I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING IVE SAID HERE...

im kinda depressed...KINDA ONLY...

2008-12-29T05:49:00.000-08:00

she rejected me tht i asked her out on a date..
lol..
ouch??..
oh well..
whn i was in hong kong all i could think of is buying presents for her..
trying to msg whenever there's a line through..
but since i was back from hong kong..
i realise she doesnt pay much attention as i was hoping for...
kinda sad though..
but i think ill live..
the feeling is still there but it aint strong no more..
its so insecure being around her...
one moment she's turn on to chatting to me..
another moment she seems busy and all those stuff..
i just wanna be with her..
but if she's making it hard for me to be just around her..
i dunno how long am i to survive this torment..

oh well...kinda nice though after coming back from hong kong..
girls there are stupendously beautiful....
and coming back from hong kong made me a branded crazy fella..
ive got a head to bottom original parts from different brands..(expect my pants and jeans)
oh wel.. i will update one later..
a longer one..kinda lame with this post..

what must i do nxt??..more bout me..

2008-12-19T02:50:00.000-08:00

ngah..she ran out of credit..
not chatting with her is like suffocating for air..
no air and no energy to keep the pursue...
oh well..guess ill have to wait..
what ill wait?..
of course a miracle to happen between us..
kinda foolish though,don't u agree??..
waiting for something but i dare not take any action..
yeap..i'm afraid...
still how i still hope she is different..

i never could get it when people say i flirt..
could anyone possibly explain whats flirt??..
if ur saying that i know too many girls,thts false..
yes i do know girls but what's it gotta do with flirt??..
other than tht,if ur claiming im being too close with girls instead of guys..
my answer,what's wrong having a best friend from the opposite sex??..
and if ur saying tht i spend my cash on girls and sweet talk to girls..
my answer,its my cash,i spend on who and what,does it bother u??.
sweet talk?..hey,mayb its just my style..
oh come on..name a possible living human guy tht doesnt wanna know any girls??..
a guy doesnt chat with the opposite sex??..
a guy who dont spend their cash on girls??..
i used be quickly angry if i was thrown on words to my face like 'ur flirting,stop flirting,are u trying to flirt with me??'
now i ermm..wouldnt be angry coze i rather tell myself tht mayb u dont understand me well or u just couldnt accept my way..
ok..a few things i do admit..
1)true ive fallen for a lot of girls but tht doesnt make me a guy who is flirting,this is lame..
2)yeah..i tried liking two girls at once..nth to explain here,my bad..
3)no deny tht i do get pretty close with girls eventhough ive just known them..im more open-minded??..
4)NO,i dont flirt to get myself satisfy,only to the one's i love..
5)NO ,ive nvr tried having two girlfriends at once,i see myself as being more loyal...
6)yeah..i do treat girls better thn guys..dont every guy do??..
7)no..ive nvr tried courting a girl with a bf..i stay away from these stuff,they get complicated..
8)NO..ive nvr use songs to make girls happy..

im not the most modest guy or held the highest pride guy but i do know where i stand and i know when i have crossed the line...
so quit it..i dont always flirt..replace the word with socialise..
it seems to be more appropriate..
and yeah,ive change to be more shy because of this issue..

so u see,i do not hope tht the person i like felt tht i love to flirt...
it hurts...
ngah...i hope she isnt..
u know..every 5minutes i think of her once..
i dunno what to think but just her..
its like she's stuck in my mind..appearing over and over again..
lol..
i dunno..
she's adorable and fierce..
she makes me happy eventhough she keeps up her attitude..
she's kinda the person tht keeps up her smile eventhough she has her troubles..
she's tough..
i dunno..it kinda gives me the feel tht she is hot and sexy...
yeah..i admit she is pretty..
but to me..whats most important,i felt tht she is nice to talk with..
ok..i think thts enough of her..wouldnt wan her to be shock if she read's my blog.
and yeah..i do wan her to view my blog to know..

life is always upon lies therefore stay put and listen to ur heart

2008-12-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

close ur eyes in ur own room alone..
listen to ur own heartbeat...
ever listen to words from ur heart??..
u make the best decision while ur calm and ready..
its because u dont haste to make a decision..agree??..
so words from another person's mouth are just basically temptation which u nvr know whether is it just mere lies or a misunderstanding or it's the truth..
so ive answered myself with this verse tht is 'trust ur own heart'..
neither wrong or right the choice was made by ur own..
no one to blame other thn urself..
agree??..
so time proven one thing to me..
even the greater and the mightier falls upon their own words..
what do i mean?..
it means tht no one is far too good to fall..
no one is as good as nearly to pure..
so i realise this tht even the greater men and women falls to hold strong to their own words..
this is one thing i thought only im the fool to do this mistake again and again..
no..im not saying tht im mightier or greater..
im saying tht im a person who always tried to work hard for the things i said..
sometimes i dissappoint them..
i really hate the looks of dissappointment..

wei i do have some picture i really wan to post it here..

cant stand her,princess fiona..

still cant stand u princess fiona..

this picture rocks ok??..although we are posing but its nice..

1,2,3 and i felt asleep...

big head god..please let my head grow bigger...

geez..i hope my love fortune just come back..
its like im serious for this girl but i dont dare to..
ive got no confident..
and ive been finding her a lot recently although she was in camp..

and if she knew,i really would tell her..
id rather spend bad times with u thn spend good times with other people..
i couldnt bare to live seeing u not being with me..
id regret if i dont tell u now..
i really do love u..

but..i dont think i would find the guts to tell her this..
im leaving for hong kong for a week..
i dont know how to tell her and how to communicate with her there..
and plus after christmas is over she would be starting school and ive gotta work..
im planning and planning just to see how i can see her more other thn at tkd lessons..
so the chances are fading and im losing my confidence..
in addition,after the previous relationship..
i wouldnt dare too..
i know its not fair to bring whats previous upon to the present.
but it haunts me to be felt being left alone once again..
i dont know much bout what she went through but pretty much as im afraid i dunno what will be on the coming days..
haihz..i wish to talk to her now but i dont know if she is resting or she just dont wan to talk to me..
im a pretty selfish person..
i know tht..
i don give much cause im afraid of losing..
so im listening to my heart...

benefit kills the morals of anyone..

2008-12-13T07:51:00.001-08:00

well ermm..recently was in pangkor with my buddies..
sure there is a lot of pictures..
there was tons of fun..
and ermm..a lot of happy moments..
u know this is the real 1st time i head out on my own with my fren to someplace where technology isnt at its cutting edge and computers werent famous yet..
i think i kinda manage to keep myself and uphold my manners while i was in some other people's place..
we went cycling to having time in the sea and beach..
although thy werent any pretty girls to gaze at but the view itself took away the breathe of mine..
gorgeous...
its was peaceful there..
we could gamble and sit on motorcycle's without the police interfering..
we set off as a gang to eat with reasonable prices tht u couldnt have found it in kl..
things were so much different from the city..
u could just sit back relax and have a laugh with ur frens...
life like this just make things so quite..
but truely money was really a factor to enjoyment..
every part of the world was about the green notes..
anyways..im gonna updated the picture in my next blog..
the ermm..pictures arent in my hands yet..

so back to my topic..
ive always told myself tht frens cannot be fully depend on..
well,it has proven itself once again..
nobody can survive with keep losing..
nobody dislike benefits..
even from one fren to another fren.
its the benefits tht count..
disagree??..
let me list..
if ure fren is ugly and lame..
if a person is handicap
if a person is just disturbing
if ure fren is rather retard..

do u think tht u dont mind??..
or would rather choose those of

popular rich handsome pretty tall muscular the wise..
people lose their moral to achieve these stuff..
but i sincerely feel tht its not worth it..
in fact if anyone were to tell this to my face..
i feel tht im a disgrace to the human being..
we arent any different from the looks to the inner organ..
u think tht brad pitt or britney has beautiful organ or blue bloods..
no..we are all red..
so why lose our morals to these shit stuff??..
it aint important..
what is important is the heart..
i dont know and i rather be fooled with treating a person with a sincere heart rather thn a faking heart..
u know tht it hurts to be holding a double edged sword with a fren,nvr knowing whn it will stab u back..

men's magazine..

2008-12-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

its been a few days since my last post AGAIN..
well,as u all do notice tht the big examination is over and most people are half way out of their mind celebrating while im stuck with medication instead..
true..ive been sick for a few days...
i had this viral infection which is situated in my throat..
basically its swelling up and its giving a severe headache..
in addition to some body ache and ermm..flu..
i was even told tht i was suspected for DENGGI..
lol..

i dont mind being sick bcoze u can sleep all day and no one blames u..
but its the medicine tht sucks..
i vomitted yesterday morning due to consuming the pills with an empty stomach..
doctor said tht my immune system was down due to examination stress
well..today is the third day im on medication..
and im feeling much better..
even went for basketball today..

talking bout today's basketball..
totally humiliating..
i was kinda pissed again..
it wasnt my teammates fault to blame but its the mouth and words tht was like a blade stab onto ur chest..
i really let it get off my chest here..
there's this guy and i been fren for quite some time..
as a matter of fact its been almost 4 years since ive known him..
thought i pretty am sure im not the type of fren whom is suitable to mix with him but i do treat him as a brother and i do pretty much look upon him..
he is tall and dark and he is always like a someone to chase up to in bball..
but he is a very funny weirdo..
i do not wish to describe his bad things but he likes to tease me..
as much as he thinks tht im an immature person and doesnt respect my decisions..
i still do not get pissed at him..
however i can say today he kinda said something i didnt really liked..
actually i really didnt appreciate his words at all..
we were in a game for like a few rounds already and i know we all are tired..
he was busy shooting the 3 pointers showing off as usual..
everyone is tired..
even me..
and he suddenly slams the words down..
'DO U WANA PLAY OR NOT??'
IF U DOWAN THN U GET OUT OF THE COURT'..

dont u think i dowan to give it my best if he gets all the ball and shoots all the ball??.
hell cares if it enters or not..
im not the tallesst or the strongest..
how do u expect to shine if he is getting all the ball??.
basically its rude of him to say so..
secondly,why blame me tht i dont wan to play??..
i was a free man but he insist of shooting the ball..
what can i do??.
show him a middle finger??..

im not angry bcoze he shoots all the ball..
im angry coze he takes me for granted..
i do not like being teased at whn we are in a inappropriate situation like this morning..
u know..it sounds like ure the big show,hell yeah everybody focus on u..
and whn he doesnt enter..find me,slap the shit out of me for not helping him to enter the ball..
it frus me..
i do not want to reply him with anything since he thinks he is right..
i mean everybody has their own story to tell..
if i tell it out at then he might find other people to support him and tease me again..
sometimes he is too arrogant..
sometimes he thinks he is the show..
its all bout him..
but u know sometimes it just aint...
ur good and there is no doubt bout it..
but u aint the only fish in the whole pond..
some mayb do have stronger attraction of pattern..
it just boreds me tht he does things tht is all bout him..

oh well..regarding my topic..
men's magazine..
hell yeah..there's a lot of information in this books..
i can tell u tht its basically the best thing tht u can give something to a guy..
from exercise to food qualities to tackling and understanding girls...
sex to comfort,safety,ermm..so much to describe bout the book..
i seriously find it interesting to read..
who knew tofu could lead to losing memories for men in the age of fifties??..
and sperm produciton denatured whn sit on a hot chair??..
wow..
the best thing is tht this book teaches u what dad wouldnt like to teach u..
oh well..basically im used up my time and its time for me to rest again..
till then..

why this move whn u know it shouldnt be done..

2008-12-03T05:02:00.000-08:00

i cannot stand something thtz been in my chest for too long..
i gotta find a way to let it all out..
and i tend to share it with people,frens,parents or anyone tht seem close to me..

ever have self doubt whether who u r siding is in a wrong position??..
whatcha next move??..
i spend 3 hours alone thinking bout this question..
i couldnt gave me a good answer but at least i came up with something..
i said to myself,change sides..
let the cards play itself..
but thn i think again..
what happens if the card u flip was a better thn the one u used to side??..
another mistake pops up??..

u know,its like a maze with one start and a few dead end..
how do u know tht ur choice is the right one??..
how determine are u??..

i cannot bare myself to take the blame coze im afraid tht it might hurt someone or many ones..
i erm..couldnt stand the thought of everyone pointing their fingers at me..

even sometimes u couldnt possibly execute the right move just becoze its not the right time..
yeah..i mean we are born to be unperfect but which is the right decision??..
how can predict tht it might go wrong but somehow u still go for it??
why wanna take the wrong foot and fall??
why wanna be in pain whn u could have hold on and dont move..
aikz..somehow i still cannot answer myself..

i suck managing my own stuff..

2008-11-30T05:30:00.000-08:00

I have a facebook and friendster account..
I have a closet full of my clothes,messed up..
I have tones of books which are ready to meet the dump...
I have tones of discs waiting for me to reinsert them into their own personal slots...

so much stuff to do yet i love spending time on the computer and the ps3..
i rather spend time doing things which are not necessary..
but i do find my messy closet look like a boy's closet..
im a teenager with the testerone in my body..whatcha think??..

oh yeah..few events occur since the last time i posted my blog..
firstly was SPM examinations are over..
ive conquer them well but not well enough..
2nd,were to be my time spend at times square with my school buddies..
we went there early in the morning to greenbox..
had a hell of time singing high pitched songs..
sry i screamed at the mic..
though it was ears piercing but nvm..once in a life time experience...
thn we head to the cinema for the movie twilight..
ok,here's what the movie isnt nice..
for me..its rather too slow..too not interesting and it was rather cutted..
i mean the background music made the show so predictable and the scenes were just cut too much..
u know whn they cut it..
i am so so bored if aint for spending time with my frens...
i made hell of a noise inside the cinema..
love it or hate it..
thn,we head forth the gasoline restaurant in times square..
i can tell u tht the service there is very very bad..
we were in there for like 10 minutes still the table wasnt cleaned and there is no one to take our order down..
after so,we left..
we headed for the kfc..
and thn slower we disperse...
quite amusing though tht i love a picture tht was taken by cheah...

can u read the signs??..
its a couple dresscode..
oh brother zhen yao..love the t-shirt ur wearing...
suits me so much..haha..

love me or love things??..why what and how come??..

2008-11-23T08:50:00.000-08:00

relationship require both party..
so at our age,we're are often so naive ,so immature, so eager to know more bout love..
or mayb even throwing the dice and betting our luck to see what its like to be in a relationship with someone..
nowadays u cant put a relationship tht it requires a male and female..
its absurd tht even same sexes can be in a relastionship..
no offence but this has been once a very uncomfortable issue for me..
so ive basically manage to be in a relationship twice and for me,its complicated.,
i ermm..couldnt say there wasnt any happy memories or sad memories because there is..
actually after in a relationship i starting back as a single,i tend to think more before going the flow or ride again..
i tend to think its the looks,body or labels,things,possesion or money or attitude tht matters to a person who wants to be in a relationship..
and some say without money u cant have happiness coze the world is about money..
cars,clothes,shoes,acceseries,even the cinema tickets and food are all about money..
however i mean u can still live without those and come to the point of looks body and attitude..
does the looks of one is important to another person or the figure of the body matters??..
what kind of attitude would be appropriate in a relationship..
so many questions without answer..
so i start to find them starting by asking myself..
i care bout looks..
i care bout body..
i mind about attitude..
i also love to have money..
but am i looking for the same person who have the same desire as i am??.
or am i to find someone who is contra against my thoughts..
based on my knowledge,sometiems finding someone tht doesnt seems to suit u,suits u!..
i mean there is the joy of ermm..playing and disagrement and u know the ups and down..
so love me or love things??.
if love me,why??..
love things,what??..
and how come im afraid to be in a relationship..
i become less social.
tend to be more self reliant..
and even sometimes i feel kinda alone is better..
so needless i am confessing tht my preious relationship has broken my confident to start a new one..
but i all im good at failing relastionships makes even tend to more careful to move on..
so why what and how come in order to start a realstionship??..

what u dont ask me to do...

2008-11-17T04:23:00.000-08:00

see its basically respect when u ask a guy for his help..
u dont wanna fool him with ur tiny winy stuff..
cause it will and definitely will be a volcano erupt..

today..i woke at home..
i tried to study but i didnt want to..
so i waited till afternoon..
till my fren call me out for bball..
to know tht i went there to not find the person whom called me there,but
as well as i play for 5 to 10 minutes of lame ass ball..
here's the thing..
if u call someone to meet u,make bloody hell sure u will be there before him..
do not ask me to hurried my ass out and to find tht ur not there..
it pisses me..
i am not ur subordinate..
i do not take orders from u assholes..
2nd,when u ask someone to meet u make sure its important and it goes on for a certain period of time..
i do not wanna grab my stuff and rush out of the house to be home 10 minutes later..
im not ur standby doggy..
i do not come to u when u snap ur fingers..
3rd,when u ask me to come,make sure u wanna chat with me and its not because ure bored and phone me to come out to waste time with u..
u have important stuff to do,WELL SO DO I..
4th,when u done something wrong in a group of fren,hell no u should start pointing fingers at whom to blame..
i'll swear to god if u aint close with me i will punch ur bloody teeth out..
i make sure u remember to start pointing at urself before u point at others..
5th,after a mistake do not ask me to forgive u if u do not know ur mistake..
damn hell no u do not learn from ur mistake and u ask me to forgive u..what the hell is tht for??..
6th,here to be clear,i am a fren not ur fucking pussy dog...
i have my own personal stuff to do also..
unless u got a reason to hang out,then might as well u go to hell cause i dont wanna waste time around anyone tht doesnt wanna be with me..
its not ur duty to call me as ur fren..
its a bond and chemistry tht makes u wanna call me as fren..
so ive made my point and i dont ask u guys to say sry to me cause there is no necessary to tht..
like i told everyone,i have a temper but i always keep it low..
i suck at managing my temper..
if u insist to piss me thn go ahead and try me..
this doesnt mean im a show off..
this shows tht u need to respect me as much i respect u..
dont overgo the line..u might just draw the last one...

a fren??..who??

2008-11-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

frens..can anyone define what's a fren for??..
i truely dont look on this word as a important thing in life..
i can dare to say this tht i dont believe in frens..
i made up my mind was bcoze i did get betrayed before so why trust again??.
it was hard enough to be betrayed and to get over it..
truely the incident took place a long time ago but till now it has a big influence on me..
i know its not everyone tht u cant trust but neither does everyone can be trust..
but all these years,ive always wanted a friend neither guy or gal tht truely understands me..
thy will rang me up to just chew to fat on the phone for 1 or 2 hours..
i dont like the assumption ppl make..
true to the fact tht 1st impression is important but it doesn count in how u judge a person..
just bcoze i look rough and weird it doesnt meant im somebody tht is so..
u dont know me so dont judge me..
ppl who do so are just so rash in decision..
high or low ppl deserve u to respect so why look down upon them??..
aint it unfair??
i understand tht even a coin has two side..
u dont know which u will get whn u flip them..
as for me..i truely dont matter which side i get..
its bcoze i equally place everyone the same in my heart thn only i will judge u..
yeah..it might sound fake but i think so..
i dont like being judge by appearance..
judge me by who i am not who i look like..
so what if i look so greatly handsome but im a deaf towrads other's feelings??..
will u admire me after u got hurt by me??..
i havent this person tht will enable me trust again..
so im searching more..
but i detest ppl being cocky..
no ppl is way too high or down too low..
all ppl are equal with their rights..
and dont blame for not talking to u..
its a choice for someone to choose to be a fren with u or not..
but let it be tht ive judge u and ive seen through u tht ur not a good person..
thn only will i no talk to u..
so be someone who is daring to judge and not be shy by other weakness...
so understand me better...

carls junior..

2008-11-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

thralalala...everytime i study i always have the mood to blog..
coze it gives a opportunity to escape..
haha..
so u see today dad and i went to pavilion again to purchase the 2nd controller for ps3..
we thn had lunch at carls junior..
boy,can i tell how big the burger was..
mcdonald's big mac aint no where near the size of the burger there..
plus it super delicious and the fries are even more worth eating as it taste so fresh..
u know whats best in this shop,its got free refill like burger king..
even here thy have appetizers for u to have before meals..
i love pickles..
thy are nice to chew...

see my hand holding it..it aint even close for u to think the size of it..
its even delicious to eat...

the fries were awesome..
hot and not salty..
thick and not mouth drying..
its truely a delight to have it...

thn later,we went to plaza low yat to purchase memory cards for my sis phone and mum's phone..
funny story behind..
ever know the biggest secret to be a good sales girl??..
haha..i so cannot believe tht me and dad felt for this sales girl trick..
u see,dad went to the this shop to ask for the prices of the memory card..
dad ask how much was the price for both 2gb and 4 gb..
she said the 2gb was around 30++ and the other was 85 itself...
i find her very weird..
she was talking in a chickhen voice and it sounded to me like she was faking it..
plus,she kept smiling..
here's where u get very imaginative of the girl's look..
she isnt tht pretty but she is kinda sweet smile girl with a great body(im sry tht i observe)
thn dad request for her to open the box..
and she complain to my dad bout her fingernails tht also broke due to opening the box..
not long after tht dad said 150 for both cards..
thn whats her trick?..
we went up another floor and check the price for the 4 gb..
it was 65 only!!..
see,a couples of smiles and great lies of a women can make men spend their money so blindly?..
i mean for me its so normal but for my father,an old fox felt for the same trick too...
dad was frustrated for a while but to think back,we both laughed..
dad even came up with 'jit lun,nxt time u must check the prices before buying...'

thn came to home..
as usual..sleep , think, play, thn dinner..
thn come the annoying one,my sis..
can u blame someone if u did wrong at 1st??..
see,let me list the few things why i dont one to talk to my sister..
she is the eldest and yet the most arrogant one..
she always advise me to be more like a gentlemen,dont count on everything u do for someone..
she always tease me and look down on me..
she always say to dont do this and dont do tht..
she always complains bout my anger..
u see how much i put in mind of what she said to me??..
2 nights before,she was using the computer which was located in my room till 2 a.m..
if the comp was in her room,i could only stayed till 9 p.m..
later thn tht she would be shouting at me and telling me tht im abusing my rights
thn yesterday night,while i turn to stretch my back..
we accidentally bump into each other and she scold me 'crazy!!'..
is tht so necessary eventhough we're not talking to each other??..
and tonight was even more pissing me off,i was studying as the spm examination is drawing near..
i waited till everyone was asleep thn i started studying and as she comes home she turns on the tv and started watching show like nobody business..
its hard to concentrate whn ure turning on programmes like csi,dr house,nxt top model,music channels,and whose lines is it anyways..
if i were to do tht to her,she would be banging her door,telling her fren how an idiot brother i am..
huh..call me childlish thn what bout her??..
i know im the hot tempered guy in the family but tht doesnt make me wrong in everything i do..
huh...sometimes i wonder,if she could faced herself and ask,does the things she said to me ever had she meant it or was it me taking it too seriously..
oh well...its getting real late.....good night people...

take ur sweet time...

2008-11-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

i really miss being loved,being with someone so unknown,so unpredictable,so much conflict,the smiles,the kisses,the sad times,and most of all the feeling of being taken care of..
for those who are single like me,i bet some of u do miss these tender feeling huh??..
yea..and those can only possibly imagine this feeling..
ive always struggle whether to choose the best among the all..
but to know tht now its not who i choose but to slice a double edged sword,tht ppl dont choose me..
i thought tht everytime i fall,i could just get up and u know mayb go on with life..
but to realise tht its more than that..
if u fall and there are cuts,u dont leave them..
u give them medicine,antiseptic,tender love for tht very wound to heal..
to give it time for the pain to ease..
but because of an itchy hand u scratch it and tht leaves a scar..
and everytime u look back at the scar u think back..
u tend to be sad for tht moment for everything tht had happen..
how come such bad decision were made??..
u just keep telling urself if i can go back in time..
if i could just alter the past,things might turn out better..
its true tht i barely known her..
its true i made a decision tht hurt her and me..
it was a very hasty decision and a selfish decision..
i let my ego had my mind filled with silly thoughts..
i thought if i kept myself feeling guilty tht might just make up for everything ive done...
but now to look back,isnt it a path tht was drawn so clearly tht its time to wake up..
no point of doing anything to change the past because somethings nvr do change..
its true tht im still in love with her..
so i wanted to tell her so much...
"take ur sweet time,im gonna be here when u change ur mind,take ur sweet time'..
i do not tend to bother her because loving someone is not to care for every step thy take,,
but to believe in their choices..
i realise tht im a jerk but hey,give a jerk a chance to learn to not be a jerk..
i wouldnt call my waiting for her as punishment but i would rather named it "a chance"..
a chance for me to realise tht no point in feeling guilty,no point in blaming urself,if there is fate thn let god decide who is best for who..
without her giving me the cold shoulder i could nvr learn to think more further..
to improvise what ive done and to sit down and think..
could say tht she was really giving my life a hard time but as much as it is,these feelings are so hard to get rid off just because so..
she once asked me why do i love her whn we barely known each other??
well..i guess the answer is here...
for all tht she didnt done and she done was the only reason left tht i love her from thn till now..
took me sometime to figure out and to decipher this reason..
i really wish she would see my blog someday but as thin as ice,she wouldnt..
life is so unpredictable,i dunno how long can i wait..
i mean she's got a boy but i dunno how deep are thy..
put it in a nut shell,let fate decide who is best for who...
putting up a fight isnt gonna make things better right??..
im so free and i dont think im sad over the things ive done wrong..
thx to her ive learn so much.....

take ur sweet time as life is unexpectable

2008-11-04T05:41:00.000-08:00

hey hey..today ive got the mood to blog..
the day is sooooo boring..
nth to do..
im just enjoying memorizing the moral values and its definition..
gave me so much time to keep thinking for myself..
i kept thinking of my nxt move for my life..
am i to improve it to just stay put in life..
am i to be wondering in the past over some unsettle things..
i finally got the guts to face myself in the mirror and tell myself tht i know its my mistakes and i try to move on..
i said 'god will show his path but whatever flows into our path let me have the courage to face it and overcome it with calmness with maturity'..
thn its like it keeps hitting me back tht i look back at my parents..
i wonder if thy ever felt tired taking care at us..
dont thy represent god themselves??..
thy take care of us even thy faced their own troubles..
but we are so selfish tht we keep bother them with our minor problems..
am i so sure tht i can repay for all thy've done for me??..
as to giving thought to this statment,suddenly life is so much more worth living for..
its like suffering is gone because its something ive done for someone i appreciate and love..
its no lie tht i do argue with them and there are so much conflict among us..
but we walk through every matter together as a family because its a born bond tht ties us tightly tht friends will nvr come between this bond and tht why we are family...

haha..suddenly it sounds like an essay already..
im so worried for my big examination..
im so lazy but i wanna score high..
i hate laziness and look what its doing to me..
i really hope i can wake up from this dying plague..
its spreading so vast to everyone...
but the cure is only between the soul and the mind to coporate..
ive gotta try hard to change my life..
mayb to aim for the better life is my aim today..
im so full of myself..
all i ever write here is about myself..
does it boreds u guys??..
if u do thn u can refuse to read it,i really dont mind..
im so done explaining myself for the thing i do..
i only wan myself..
and i holding my moto..self praise is the best praise..
do things for myself and for my own satisfaction..
its not selfish and self-minded but who shall i satisfy other thn myself and my family??...
well..hold ur breather till the next blog cause its time for me to go..
c ya guys and gals..god bless...

does techno shake u??..yes for me..

2008-11-01T06:16:00.000-07:00

today was not the best but quite something to talk bout..
like the usual saturday i went to play bball..
less people and was quite boring..
i had to agree tht age is really catching up to me and i dont have the time to condition myself for anything..
im losing my grip and im just being lazy..
there is no inspiration and no desire to be stronger..
ever felt tht competition is not necessary??..
but without it u nvr go no where..
so i truely am losing my touch with my sense..
i truely madly love basketball but i dunno how..
ok moving..after bball went for breakfast thn went home...
hao yu later came to my hse to fetch me out to drink ah kit..
thn we waited for kelvin(stupid guy),come out only start to tease me..
bored with him..
thn we waited for ka hoe and jun yang to go to kelvin's hse to watch ghost clips..
thn i felt asleep..
not scary also!!...
the only thing creepy bout it was tht i was sleeping in some other guy's bed and not mines..
thn i went home after tht..
was very tired but dad ask me to watch the movie wanted with him..
wow...the movie is gross but nice..
imagine a bending bullet..
nice...
actually something tht ive realise tht i find it nice too..
i want to study all time...
im moodless towrads girls..
i wan to spend time with my frens and alone..
i just wanna concentrate on myself..
i dont feel the necessary for another person in my life..
although its kinda lonely but i like the feel of being independent without caring for somone else..
emm..mayb im just not qualified to love someone..
or its just a test for me to learn how to love myself at 1st...
i still hesitate about my maturity and bout my ability to make the right decision..
im still afraid to say the wrong things even among my frens..
oh well..i guess ill take my time..
well...i guess ill stop here...didnt have much time on this post..
i try to spend more on the nxt one..

daddy lil's boy..

2008-10-30T04:20:00.000-07:00

wow wow..ppl..how the heck are u are doing??
today is a wow day with dad..
there is happiness,shocked,disgust,jealous,sleepy,daring(its not in order) moments..
lets start of with sleepy..
ok..see when i woke up i turn on the comp..
i had a few rounds of offline dota..
ermm..basically it was boring cause i lose..
thn thn after tht dad came in to use the comp and kicked me to the main hall..
so,thn i watch CSI miami..
it was as usual HORATIO's cocky attitude..
thn came the part of sleepy...
dad wanted to continue his show so i went up to sleep again..
i was so tired and fatigue due to yesterday's long run day..
so i slept for like an hour thn dad woke me up and told me whether if i wan to go to sg wang..
so bla keep it short i wan to sg wang..
we went there to disc..
we went there and we saw lots of ppl but the shocking part is after we receive tht there were police forces nearby,in a blink of an eye,everybody was gone..
wow...now thts eye fascinatiing..
so nxt we headed to low yat plaza to buy speakers!!..
comp speakers actually..
the 1st shop we're in,almost 4 to 5 speakers were on..
so we asked if we could listen to one..
but the promoter say tht we were being nuts..
how in effiecient he was..
so we didnt like the man and we poof to another shop...
on the second shop..a malay guy introduce us to some speakers..
one of them we're awesome but it cost rm 400..
so we hestitated and did not buy..
so later came another promoter..
this time he was a chinese..
he was a smart guy..
he just introduced one speaker and $$$..

boy boy..i love this speaker!!..
bam bam!!~~

aha..rear speakers..nice..

so i love it so much cause its placed in my room..
im so glad dad bought this speaker..
im can so chill out with it..
i love it..
this was the part of the happiness today..
thn later we went to ts and later to pavilion's harvey norman..
u can really see the difference in standard of wearing among thse few places..
some dress up like wow and some will be like eww and even those tht make man 'omfg' its a slip...
so basically the best was of course pavilion..there was u know some standard..
coming down was ts,nth extraordinary but those normal 'lala girls'...
the next and the bottom will be sg wang..
the way the dress is officially superb..
i will comment on ugly due to my taste for fashion isnt so good..
but im positive to know whats eye-sore
and what makes me jealous??..
couples..
u can really beauty and the beast!!..
what a waste..
so back to pavilion..
we search for a sony shop..
guess what did dad bought??

muahahahahahahaha!!!...
joy!!
hahahahaha...

dad!!!!...hahah..
nola...i dont love him for the gifts he bought he us but this is one of the the 1million reason i do love him sometimes..
haha....
sooooo...ppl..i gotta go,,its time for me to keep enjoying...hehe..
tata for now...

not such a good day..saturday-25/10

2008-10-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

well,ermm..okay..lets start with its not such a good day..
today really really sucked..
i felt tht i wasnt appreciated by my frens today..
as much as this kinda ruin the mood but i wish to express it here..
because u know,thts what a blog is for..
i really wanna know..
feeling left out is something so usual but why do we tend to think so much bout it..
who are ur true frens??.
i know i study in my school but i mix with another school..
my frens are all in the other school..
at 1st,i really really thought i was found..
found by some good frens tht would lead me to joy..
however today prove tht my thoughts were wrong..
i know im not the kinda of mature person or yet the person tht hits with every joke...
but being ignored and being so left out...
whats the point of being frens if so??..
i dont hope to desert myself from them but it seem meaningless..
they ask me to help them and i think i nvr held back with everything i could in my power..
in a u-turn,i felt tht the way i help is a mandatory..
i kept silent and kept thinking..
im a human..
i am not mend to help anyone but only my own desires..
if i were to help u,u are consider lucky because i didnt hope for anything back..
but nvr shall one is born to help anyone..
make this clear tht i have anger and my pride is something u dont wanna challenge..
i not clarifying tht thy are not worthy to be my frens but all i wan is a understanding fren tht nvr makes me felt left out and not only finds me when they need my help..
oh well..i guess tht sucks..
as to move to lead on to my unhappiness..
is tht im single and i like someone whom i know i nvr can get back,keeping silently without a sound..
it gives me the frustration..
i know i not such a good guy but why ppl can turn against their feelings..
dont tht really makes u unhappy..
to know tht doing this will u make u happy but because of one mistake,u rather turn down all chances and chose the path tht u are certain tht ur unhappy..
wow..life is like strangling at the neck with every decision u make..
the consequences are u to suffer..
said who does life is made easy??..
i really wish to find someone tht loves me as much as i love her..
mayb ppl look at me as im very random loving someone..
but feel me whn all i ever love was ppl who kept on hurting me..
i know it sucks but i learn to move on from one to another..
though it mayb quick but this shows how undying my spirit is..
once i fall i stand again..
is tht something someone should take notice and claiming tht i change too fast??..
nvr make urself unhappy but to take notice of good things tht will make urself happy..
this advice was given from one of my frens..
i can give everything for one girl but can she??.
who is tht very person im looking for??..
why is it such a long path finding one??..
im so eager,thrist and sometimes desperate for the answer..
mayb thts why im such a rush in to find tht person..
but blame me for making the wrong decision..
however dont blame me for making the decision as i only wanted someone who loves me...
oh well...guess life goes on..
my moto for now..
see ya and god bless..

why are teenagers so desperate??..

2008-10-20T06:46:00.000-07:00

There is always something bout teenagers..
something to make such a commotion about..
but how do we even know we are classified as teenagers??
we often see people put -im depressed-i love pain-its the end of the world-i wanna kill myself-there is no meaning of life-i rather stab myself-nobody loves me-parents misunderstands me-damn our lives- etc etc...
i mean come on lah as if we have even learn anything bout life yet...
even for adults who work and are under the stress dont surrender to the decision of commiting suicides..
hurting urself because u think ure facing the whole world by urself is such a fool's talk..
we arent even learning how to earn money yet..
its such a nuisance to kill urself..
its very dramatic for the first time u hear..
but its getting lamer and lamer by everytime someone says it..
i do admit myself of having the thought of killing myself sometimes but i dont expect ppl to sympathize me bcoze its a lame and freaking dumb decision..
it gives me a feeling tht u need the attention and ur putting on a show so tht every dumbass tht is hypnotize by ur monkey show will give u the satisfaction of comforting u..
is tht such a necessary??...
do we need to tell the world tht we are incompetence of living a happy life and we are bout to commit suicide??..
i dunno for u guys but this is how i feel..
i really hope i do get some ppl to understand my point here..
we are born with choices..
u choose to be happy or sad..
its not bout how people affects u but its the matter of how u wanna judge and make a decision..
no one is suffering from too much pain or stress tht is unbearable..
so why do all these -imma gonna die soon due to he/she hurting me-
its painful to have someone u love to leave u..
but its not the end of the world..
so much more there is thn love..
i feel tht we are born for greater meaning thn love itself..
what bout accomplishing big deals and being a great contributter to the human society??..
what bout tht??
u spend ur time on helping others and not wasting ur time blaming urself and being depress over such small matters...
wow..i think im going to crap a lot..
haha..well..im out of words..
so peace out people..god bless and live happily..

lame lame lame day day day

2008-10-14T08:38:00.002-07:00

so how's life today with u guys??.
today again i went to balakong to play with my schoolmates and another one of my fren..
it was boring but we did had some laughter anyways..
what made this day boring??.
studies!!..
for the very 1st time tht im ever gonna say tht studies influence me..
i sooooooooo wanted to study but i sooooooo dowan to study meanwhile..
i can open the thick history book and just stare..
i can open my biology notes and glance..
i can open my chemistry exercise book and shout..
i just wanna sleep..
i mean spm aint far and its just down the road..
crap shit if i dont study now..
i feel like im useless and an ignorant fool..
but i need some pressure..
some competition..
ive always fight in my life no matter through whatever shit crap ive face..
but ive had no challenge this time..
will i suffocate and drown to this mere examination of my life or find source of oxygen just laying there for me gasp for it??..
will i succeed like i always do or fail to pick up even a fight??..
well..tht makes this day lame plus bored..
i can sit all day to think but not sit all day to study!!..
ignorant is truely a bliss!!!...

lame lame lame day day day

2008-10-14T08:38:00.001-07:00

whats life without joy and cheerness??..

2008-10-10T00:28:00.000-07:00

hey hey..guys and gals..long time tht i did went blogging..
i kinda miss it and i hope u guys and gals do miss it too..
bless all tht is viewing my blog..
so lets start by talking back where i last stop..
hmm..i guess she did make herself felt happy anyway..
i ask her some questions which she frankly answered me.
duhh..dont have to think twice cause it does sucks..
the way someone rejected u,imagine the pain??..
haha..but i guess i took it damn cool..
i told her tht i was smiling..
but i wonder,does she knows why i smile??..
i should speak it out before putting it back into my past..
the reason??..simple..
smiling at myself for being a fool to not choose her then but to regret now..
awww..guess tht sucks..
she left me like a half man half lost soul..
gee...guess tht really does suck..
ok..over bout girls..talk bout today..
see..today me and brothers(gang of very close and good friends) went to balakong to play basketball..
i was so tired the night before but i couldnt sleep..
wasnt worried bout waking up but the matter was tht i receive a call from my master(taekwondo) telling me tht he is gonna bring me for audition for a comercial..
wow..imagine me on tv,damn how to sleep after receiving such news??..
however,i was awaken by dad at 6 in the morning..
he said time to go school already..and i roll around before telling tht i self declare holiday..
hahaha..
f.y.i school sucks...
thn we breached the court at 8 and settle to get a game started..
it was fun i guess..
opponents didnt came too strong and bascially we ruled..
there was nice teamworks and passing..thx brothers..i enjoyed myself..
soooo...thn when we were about to leave,came this bloody midget who thinks tht he was too good for us,entered the game we were playing in..
he gave us tht frustrating look trying to tell us tht if u come at me im gonna spank u..
guess what happen next??..
he was defeated without entering any balls AT ALL..
loser!!...haha
even after the games we werent very heart satisfying as because he was too darn cocky and whats with the attitude??..
come on,its just a game..
so thn,i rushed home because i thought i was late for the audition..
bloody mother god,was i in a rush hour..i was running,taking the express bath..eating without chewing(a bit of chewing lah)..
AND JUST TO FIND OUT THT THE AUDITION IS TOMORROW!!..
DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!!!!...
huhhhh...damn tired..what a day..
ahaha..well okay..its here for now..
chat with all u rockers of life nxt time..

she made it worse..

2008-09-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

hey hey..sry for the late update bout my blog..so sry tht i kept u guys waiting..
today today today is so not a good day for me..
i brought my handphone to school and got taken away by teacher..
i know some might say deserve u right but hear me say before u condemn me the death penalty..
i brought my phone to contact my parents whether thy are to fetch me from home or they dont have too..
yeah some might say 1)use the public phone=its NVR functional when u need them
2)go home and or go to ur frens house thn make the phone call=if i had thought so u think i would bring my phone and pay 50 bucks to get back my damn phone???....plus i wanna inform my dad whether to pick me up before he makes a decision to leave work early??..

so i really dont like the idea of paying 50 bucks just to get back the phone..
if u are ought to take it away and charge STUDENTS 50 might as well u ask them to get strip naked to pay for the bloody price..
this is very lunatic act for the school to do so..
it practically corruption..
its like we're going into a bank to get rob...and robbers are teachers..
shit..students are fools without them..
damn man..

so back to my title..i went like a mad bull and walk all the way to jusco furiously and i was very very pissed..i tired to control myself using the same method as i always do PUNCH WALLS!!!but it didnt help me anyway...so i went to my hosuing area to meet up with my frens to have a drink..
and there she was..sitting at a table right in front of me with her mum and sister...
i was blank and i was caught by suprise and i said hi..
her face was like (oh my god its him again!!,ill just look away)..
after so much and plus her reaction to tht..
now thts what i called adding salt into injury..
it sucks!!!!..
i thought mayb she could say hello and just continue with her life.
so after the flames in me was add on with crude oil..it was blastly like a bomb...
i was really angry this time so i went walking in big steps..
i meet my fren and i started to scold my fren...
thn whn i realise tht she was unhappy ,the bloody flames in me turn iced cold..
damn man..what kind concept in this..
u tell me...
i just wanna be friends with her and it tht so hard??..whats wrong having someone liking u as ur fren??.
its not like im gonna send her message or beg on the floor asking her to be my girl??.
its so unpredictable of her..
oh girll....just what is on ur mind at tht very moment??..
cant u understand i just wanna have a nice chat with u??..
by ur reaction i felt pain in my heart...and anger drove me out blindly...huhhh...
god have mercy on my mere poverty powerless soul and stop playing my life..
give me see the chances to go on this life although the falls are deep and wounds are innerly done...
girl i believe the damage done to u wasnt as bad as ive done to u..
so willingly am i to be blindly hurted by u..
to go on..i saw on tv bout victoria's secret bout sexy..
boy oh boy ... do i like the lips part..
they say for a guy to look sexy is to shut up and dont do say anything..
i was like facing the mirror and ask myself=sexy??..
hahaha..oh well i dont have thick lips so it doesnt kill...
hahaha....i wish to have lips like dane cook..=he's got jessica alba's attention..
yeah..im kinda like OH MY GOD ITS JESSICA ALBA...she is a major hottie...
but then she is a mother to a son i think...well god bless her....
so i guess this is it...my eyes are killing and its beginning to put on weights...
tata for now..take care ppl..outta here..

today i miss u more thn ever??...

2008-09-13T06:18:00.000-07:00

tralalala...today was kind of good..
wasnt tht bad..
playing bball was quite tiring...
woke up at 7 this morning,was kinda blur...
get out of the house at 7.30...
reached the court but none of my friends arrive..and i was kinda bored there..
but thn after thewy come came the fun part..shoot and shoot..pass and pass..alley-oops...
wow...tiring...just like 2 weeks didnt play tht im oredi grasping for air..
haha..consider myself not fit..
so after as usual went for breakfast/lunch and then went for a chit chat with chee hou..
bloody fella with his usual topic..
had to make me remember about her..
damn it man..
so i was thinking of her all day...thn my phone rang her up..
she answered but i didnt say anything..
i really wanted to ask her can we start of being frens and how is she nowadays...
hah...but usual me..took back one step and shut the conversation..
i know im useless and tht fat fella chee hou has to remind me of tht statement..
actually what is on her mind anyways??..
just like the song by archuleta...
do you think of me??..
awww...sucks tht i nvr know...haha
so later on we went to play bball again but plus this girl..
so i was fooled by them..
teasing me and the girl and the pathetic me just tag along..
haha..i know im childish but u know the best part??..
nobody can do a damn bout it..
but the more thy tease the more i think of her..
i dowan her to be off my mind..
god help me...
haha..
thn later as we approach the canteen i slip and fell..
it kind hurt though..
and a small cut in finger...what lah..
haha...
so later i went home..i msg her..
damn...couldnt resist??.
i miss her a lot..
wuuuu...
the msg contains my good luck for her exams..
and thn she did reply anyways..
same thing..
my god..happy me for tht instand moment..
thn i slept..was too tired...oh well...maths..i will do my very best to not lose to her..but i hope she do her best to beat me..
i wan her to be competitive..ahahaha..
i just miss her so much..can i chat to u someday??..can we really be together mah??..
oh well..i know the chances are slimmer thn slim..
but i hope my sincerity will make her understand she wasnt loved by me for fun..
=.=..right u guys dont wanna know right..haha..
so i guess i will end now....

tired day..

2008-09-12T08:31:00.002-07:00

wow.today was supremely a tired day..
i went to school to sit for the english paper..
it wasnt tht tough but i had no time to write finish my 2nd essay..
i breached the 2nd page and was going on to my 3rd paper but time was up..
oh well...guess too much chef spoils the soup..
i wonder how did she do??..its gonna be maths exam and i hope she will strive her best to get the best results...
oh yeah..back to my topic..
so after the exams me and my buddies went to kim gary in jusco to have our lunch..
boy oh boy..i order a prok chop and it wasnt anything special..but it turn out okay anyway..
so we had a long chat among ourselves...i had so much to talk about but i didnt talk much bout her..
i guess she was always on my mind but ihad to kept strong though..
so after tht we went home..i went to my frens hse..
at there i view profiles,watch youtube,listen to songs..and hey i listen to this great song sang by david archuleta..
i read the lyrics and i so wanted to present to her the song..
i dunno but the songs i heard on tv and radio just so seem to be on my side...
i really wan to tell her how much i felt for her and its all written in the song..
but unfortunately,she will not care bout me..
she will nvr know tht im just blindly waiting..
love can make a man blind...
aww...darn im going against my topic againn..
apology...
so i stood a the comp for 2 hours...
my bump was already aching and its going square...
and later thn at 7 i had 3 hours of tuiton..
my bump looks like a frying pan..=.=..
i miss her so much.....
can anyone tell me how to send her the song?...david archuleta-crush..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
haha...well...its 12 and i should get to bed..
ttfn(tata for now)...

tired day..

2008-09-12T08:31:00.001-07:00

examination...

2008-09-11T06:45:00.001-07:00

tomorrow will be our bi paper..
today was our bm paper..
i was straining my brains out for this bm paper..
i dunno how bad did i did but i sure hope i can survive..
life is gonna hard during this period..
but somewhere in the bottom of my heart,i miss her so much..
i kept praying tht she'll be blessed for her exams..
oh well..i guess she wont know did she...
so as i flip through the script of the examination i was thinking and thinking of ideas..
but everytime i took a deep breathe i think of her..
i just keep telling myself..in order for her to be happy why dont u concentrate on ur exam..
suffering as it is..i still go on..
i wonder how much pressure can i take..
i will try my very best effort to get her back and score well in my examination..
but still too bad she ignores my effort..
haha...its like an open wound was splashed with salt..
yet i still wanna smile..
haha..dad bought mum a new phone today...
mum smiled but i wasnt impressed by the phone as it was just ordinary....
it wasnt eye attractive but i think mum should be happy..
anyways for those out there sitting for their exam..do accept my apologise(i think its spelled this way) for not wishing u all..
tata...gotta study for now..
wish her good luck and u all best of luck...

examination...

2008-09-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

she is gone...

2008-09-09T00:53:00.001-07:00

hey all...how's everybody doing??..
so here's to say bout my title..
guess she is gone..
darn man..she really did hurt me damn badly...
i use to smile to frens no matter in what position i am in but it seem she stole tht smile away...
i guess im just a body who lost its soul..
i sms her the other day..
i wanted to talk to her as we had not chat in a few days..
so i send to her saying tht she mayb too busy or just im boring to chat with..
i quickly ended the conversation as i knew she was hurting badly the other side..
i knew the reasons to why she did not sms me or she was always busy..
its already hard for her to face me plus with contact now it must be driving her nuts..
i know tht im the cause of her pain..i just thought mayb hanging on or clinging on might just get me one last chance..
so after tht day on friday(the day i sent the sms),the next day she replied to me and told me to not waste time on her..she said its unworthy..
so i told her...whats worthy or not ,its up to me to decide..she can dont care bout me but she cant stop me from liking her..
my reply included tht i would nvr bother her again..
for one moment i thought mayb if i just cut off our communication it might hurt her less..
i really thought at then if she is begging me to let her go,it might have took her a lot of pain to reach there...
so i did what she asked..i said i wouldnt bother her as so she would have a happier or merrier life..
but is she??..
when i came to think tht she is crying for a nuisane who she claims the term 'boyfriend' ...
i just kinda feel tht im very frustrated..
i mean why in hell cry for someone who doesnt even care bout u??..
whn u know its hurting enough thn u dont wanna let go??..
what is on her mind??..
yet i can feel how much pain she is in..
i really wanna tell her..whats worthy?
to cry for someone who dont care for u is worthy??..
and a guy who tries to give u everything is unworthy??..
i held my phone to my palms..
thn i slapped myself..
i said to myself..darn,im so selfish..
how could not know tht she is already sad tht her bf doesnt care much..
i shouldnt have add slat into the wound..
so i lay down my phone and kept it away from me..
but thn i kinda lost the happiness in me..
i was moodless..i went to school and i just couldnt help but to think of her..
but i try to be tough..i still put on smile..
i watch comedy movies just to cheer myself up...
but what i really wan now is....HOW IS SHE DOING??IS SHE SAD??..WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HER BF DOESNT TALK TO HER AGAIN??..
well i guess its over...
she is gone...
but down this endless road..mayb i will still wait but i wouldnt wanna tell her..
haha...everytime i say ill wait,i feel like a fool..
how many times u wait for a girl tht the girl will really choose u back??..
so now i will try my best to go on with life..
still everytime i pray tht she will be happy..she will smile..and she could get all the happiness in the world..
i hope she nvr get sad..i hope she will get a good life..i pray she gets good results..
i just keep praying...
let god hear my prayers...
but thy shall never know as thy shall nvr read this blog...(thy not=thy,thy means she)....
so im holding back my tears and ill wait...

stupid me..

2008-09-05T02:10:00.000-07:00

hey all of u out there..how's life??..
aha..tell u something stupid i did today..
i did not go to school today..
i was chatting with my frens tht today i will go to their school to play basketball..
at 1st i was just going there for the sake of going..
but thn whn my fren says tht she is also having her sports lesson nearby the basketball court,i was pretty damn excited...i couldnt sleep at night and i was kinda happy...
till this morning whn i reach the gate of my frens school,the discipline teacher did not allow me to enter..
i was sad and quite dissapointed tht i didnt get to see her..
actually i really wanted to rush in and talk to her but somehow i didnt..
however god did do smth good to me..she pass by...
i dont know if she saw me but i was happy tht i get to see her..
but it was just a mere spilt second of her face..
thn i went home with dissapointment..
soon i got a call from my budd..we went out to have a drink..and there she was,eating with her sister and mum...
wow...i really felt good thn..like it was so fixed..i wanted to say hi but i did not wan her to be confuse so i didnt..
i when to have a drink like i did mention bout it..
so as we finish out drinks ,we started walking back to the school..
there she was again on the road with her sister waiting for her mother's car...
so i went to poke the 100 plus tin she was drinking and smiled to her..
quite shy in a way..i bet she felt awkward too..
thn i stayed at my frens house to have a chit chat..
and then came the bad news...
i was told by my frens tht she went to her musci lesson to see her boy.
at the moment i was told i was kinda down..but to think back and look at her picture which was her smiling..i told myself..okay...as long as she is happy..
stupid right??..
i mean this is really what goes around comes around..
but the blame is on me..
i sure hope god will put all her unlucky things onto me and pray tht she is lucky and happy always..
i dowan to see her or read her blog tht she cried..
i dowan to her to feel the pain..
i rather have myself take it...
haha..sometimes i do laugh at myself..
why am i so naive and hpoing tht one day she'll come and pick me as her bf..
but i just dowan to give up..
well just as to say as long as she is happy..
i can wait.....hehe...

family..

2008-09-03T08:48:00.002-07:00

So,here comes another at school..
its was nth special however just wanna write in here..
as just to share..
so,i was going to school,mother threw her temper at(as usual) early in the morning..
i was kinda angry back at her but thn i just dont wan to make things worse..i really am very bored of my own family..
whatever happen in the family,they are always pointing fingers at me..
truely thy dont know tht this is the main reason im angry at home..
eveybody makes mistake,yet somehow u gotta give them a chance to change for the better good..
i know sometimes i myself could be quite ignorant but what if i think im right??..
shouting at me telling me tht thy are my parents and thy do not do the wrong decision for me..
well to me,it doesnt matter whether its wrong or right,i do what i feel right..
let me learn from my mistakes and not point me to the way they want..
its not freedom i request from but its the understanding i need from them..
truely i call this my ego..
come on,im the elder son,let me have some pride in doing my stuff..
nobody likes their stuff being nose picked in..
its annoying yet disturbing..
i really wanna get out of my hse..
its truely like hell..
well,still i nvr wan to do so as i didnt want to hurt my parents..
is it so hard for parents to understand their own son??..
im a human and im not someone who can take fingers pointing at my face..
it really does stuck up to my neck...
dad always thinks he buys me stuff and thts what makes him a great dad..
but whn comes to an argument daddy is always a buyer..
mum is always looking out for my mistakes..yeah she pays and scolds for my own good but its getting over..
given an example,if i got a gf,mum will running around the whole neighbourhood telling tht im naive and having an irresponsible life because i dont know what im doing myself,however whn my smaller bro has a gf,she just nods her head..where is the justice in this??..so she is telling i should nvr get married and be single till the day she finally opens her big eyes...sucks..
sister is always the boss around..i truely hated her once..everytime i see her now makes me even sick of her..she is the eldest but she has no sense of responsibility..i as the 2nd son is always there to side her and support her..she on the other hand always thinks she can do whatever she wans..
last but not least my lil brother...can anyone tell me which elder brother does not loves his smaller brother..yeah he is smart but genius are always lack of the effort...so whats wrong in pushing him to go for studies instead of games??..if i got his brains i would study my ass up to get a remarkable result..yet he chooses DOTA and gf over his own brother's advice...whats worse of him,he treats his family like frens but treats his frens like family..soon he'll learn tht his sorts of frens are just crap trying to corrupt him...
im tired of looking out for them..can i just walk away from them??..
dad is always not in the best health..sooner i as the eldest will have to take care of the family..
im just afraid i cant do tht..
thts why im always trying my very best to be the best out of myself..
not for myself but for my family..
but thy look at it as im being selfish..
huhhh...i tried explaining myself..
i tried and tried...ending up more miserable moments..
well.i think i should just go on without caring bout them...
thts the least i can do to protect my feelings...

School today..

2008-09-03T08:48:00.001-07:00

Tuition 2/9/2008

2008-09-02T23:19:00.001-07:00

Hey,how's everybody doing??..
hope its all a fine day..
wanna share with ya all smth..
im down and depress..
ive always made choices i regret..
like just today,i went for tuition..
at first i went home,i was super tired,both legs were cramping ,not allowing me to walk even properly..
i was like a big fat duck..
oh yeah,u dont wanna know what to my leg..
thn i didnt wanted to go tuition..
my legs are injured and all im thinking of is her..
i was afraid she might not wanna see me coze i just confess to her yesterday??..
although she has her bf,i still hold on..
so,i was kinda scared tht i might confuse her more..i was busy thinking while sewing back my bag which snap into two this morning..
i was busy thinking till i forgot what the time it was...
somehow whn i look out my house i wonder,if i went there she runs,what am i to do??..
i dont wan the person whom i love runs away from me..
thinking and thinking..suddenly the thunders roar among the skies..
without hesitation i grab my bag and ran for tuition..
i was jerking my legs off,ignoring the pain because i really wanted to see her..
as i reach there,THERE SHE WAS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME..
i swear to god she saw me but she ignored me..kinda felt like my heart was hammered till a million pieces..
so i didnt say hito her,i went to pay my fees...then came she again..walking near me but was paying for the 2 chocolate sticks..for a second there i thought mayb she wanted to say hi..thn again im invisible..i really wanted to slap myself..y come to tuiton to make her unhappy??..
damn man,my fault..
but eventually i did say hi to her..she smile but it was fake..saw it through her eyes..
damn again..i wondered how much does it take for a person to just hid their feelings??..
damn man,damn!!..
i wanted to run off..i didnt wan to see her in tht situation..
whats worse..i tried walking normally in front of her..i tried so hard i was sweating,my heart was beeping..
so whats the point of me going for tuition anymore??..
in god's name,show me a sign,tell me what to do??..
am i to stop tuition so tht she would be free??.
or am i to hold on and see her so??..i wanna love her but i love her by she being happy...
now i keep thinking if i could really hold my feelings down and show her tht im just being myself..
well..i know she wouldnt care much..theme for the day -tuition today.....

my words for u...

2008-09-02T23:18:00.001-07:00

girls,ur like sunshine..with u around i tend to be merrier..
without u,im down depressed..
i know its hard to give me another chance but like i told u,im willing to wait..
even the slimmest chance i shall and will hold on becoze i dont wanna lose u again..
i was foolish,stupid and dumb...
but let me show u how much u mean to me now..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i dont wanna walk outside knowing i can nvr bang to u..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i dont wan u to suffer!!...
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i wan to contact u..
i dont wan u to go for ns..bcoze i need to know ur safety..
girl!!!u mean so much to me in life...
i read ur blog..i cannot understand why u still wan him??..
u deserve so much better,
i gave u my promise and i die doing so..
without u around is really a little bit more than i can stand..
yp....i wanna know whats on ur mind,whether ur happy or not,are u hungry,are u feeling stressful,are u nervous,are u feeling well...
all these question keep rumbling in my head..
but i know i cant nvr compare to his msg..
i understand y u dont sms me..
i understand why u dont talk to me..
but give a bit light,give me just one hope for me to breathe girl...
ur like the knife in my hand..its u tht kills me...
im half the man i am since the day i met u..
how could u ever stay on my mind always while i nvr knew tht ive fallen for u..
most of all,y did u give up on me??..
if u were to read this what would u feel??..my hearts is killing coze i only wanna tell u all these..
yp,i really do love u,cant u see??..cant u feel it??..
i read ur blog,u said u cried,do u know how much it hurts my heart??..
i nvr said it out in front of my frens coze thy dont realise how much u meant to me..
i sat down in one corner,i keep blaming myself,i could have given u so much more...
hah...its okay..i will love u always...reminding me how much of a beauty u are...